Kaj & Kahlua

It was the frustrations of years between them boiling over as the two yelled back and forth at one another, feelings too hurt on both sides for either of their responses to be rational. She had come to him depressed and frightened, looking for a comforting wing and the gentle words that he always provided to her. She had come to him looking for a friend or a lover, somebody she could bare her heart to without worry that it would be smashed and mutilated. She had come too openly, too brazenly. She had not expected the Stormbringer to create destruction. They were like warriors, evenly matched in their ability to destroy the other, each dealing a deathly blow to the other at the same time. This battle would not have a winner, only two losers, both bleeding out on the ground until they withered and died. Was this what years of flirtation, cautious touches, shy gazes, had come to?

His wings, usually a source of comfort for her, flared from his side and she shied backwards, cautious of the destruction that she knew he could bring if he wanted to. He kept yelling, advancing, and she stumbled over a root as she backed away from him. Did she think he would dare strike out against her in anger? She didn’t know, but she wasn’t going to stand close enough to find out. Her tender heart was torn in two. One half wanted to rush forward anyways, cuddle against him, dare him to stay mad when she was so close. The other half, too hurt to be sensible, fueled her anger and made her feel like she was the one that was right and that he had no right to be yelling at her at all.

His voice escalated still, and before the queen knew it her eyes were filling and running over with tears- tears of anger that she could not stop this runaway train that was barreling out of her control and Kaj’s control, perhaps faster than they had ever meant it to.

For a moment, the queen even tries to see things from his point of view as he lists all the things that he would have done for her- moved the very heaven and earth themselves. She tries to imagine a world where she is bitter because of the gods, a world where she looks down on them for treating the mortals as pawns instead of as their children; however, try as she might, she cannot do it. She had been looking for order and sense in her life when she had stumbled into Helovia. The gods had given her that- they had given her faith and purpose and a reason to make herself better than she had been.

“Is that all you think of me as?” she spat back when he had finished. “A selfish child? Good to know Kaj. Glad you think so highly of me.” And she was hurt, because she had never thought a bad thing about him in all the time she had known him. He had been a friend first, but then something more, and then her king, and then the man that she loved; always, though, he had been good- her source of comfort, her feeling of home, her warmth, her rock, her champion. When she did not know what to do, Kaj could guide her. When she had been shirking responsibilities, Kaj had made her grow, and even though she resented doing more work, she had never blamed it on Kaj. Never.

“We were both doing our part. I was tracking down a killer, to keep everybody safe. I was keeping moral up and promoting inter-herd interactions, but I guess that doesn’t matter to you, because poor Kaj was stuck here in the Edge- where you always want to be anyways.” Huffing, she almost didn’t want to address his next accusations, as the tears continued to roll down her face.

“But I guess no matter what I was doing, I could never live up to the great morals you have. You would have said NO? Perfect. Then I guess it’s just one thing I did wrong- ADD IT TO THE LIST!” She began to shift again, swaying, legs itching to pace or move… to go anywhere but where she was. But, in this moment, perhaps she was too childish for her own good. She just wanted to hit him back. An eye for an eye- she wanted him to hurt. Evangeline’s words that she had heard so long ago were gone, disappeared into eternity. The lesson that she had learned that day (that she would leave the whole world blind) was all but forgotten.

“I DON’T WANT YOU TO SLAUGHTER FOR ME!” She yelled them, chest still heaving, eyes rimmed with what would have been white, if it wasn’t stained red. “I just wanted you to be happy. I love you too- but you can’t be happy with me! I can’t give you foals Kaj! I can’t be the happy, homebody you want me to be. SO I TRIED TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR YOU AND GIVE YOU YOUR SPACE. I tried to do something for you- Sorry that’s so childish of me.” She could have gone on yelling for all of eternity, but there was no more yelling to be had. She was exhausted. Her voice was barely a whisper as she finished.

“I owe the gods everything, Kaj. I was nothing before Helovia.” And though, or perhaps because, he has commanded her not to patronize him, she does so anyways. Slowly, taking every ounce of strength she possessed within her body, the queen began to extend one limb in front of her as her other knee collapsed beneath her. Gracefully, as she had learned so many years ago, she curled her nose around until her neck was shaped in a deep and elegant arch. The weight of her child pressed against her diaphragm, making it difficult to breath, but she stretched ever lower, holding the position as long as she dare.

When she finally rose, her tears had stopped but all of the light had gone out of her blue eyes. “Is there anything else you need me for, my king?