Had she been able to see into his mind, to see that she wasn’t who he thought she was, that she was just another disappointment to another friend, a mare who tried so hard to make everyone happy and in the end made no one happy, she might have just lost it. She felt like everything was slipping away from her, like she was dancing into the abyss and no longer had control of what her body was doing. Everybody wanted her to be everything, she was just… nothing. She wanted happiness and steadiness, but those things were not to be hers. She was made of chaos, and her life reflected that.

In many ways, she wanted to blame Father Earth for all that was happening to her. This was his fault, after all- he had dreamed of restoring balance and he had called upon her. She had not dared to say no to him. Before Helovia, she had been nothing. He had given her everything- every ounce of meaning she had in her life, every breath of life that she took, was because of the gods here in this land. So she had submitted to him, yielded to advances that she had not expected, taken life when he had given it to her. But the life that grew inside her was like a parasite, stealing from her body but also her soul. Every relationship affected, every horse she passed giving her sidelong glances as though she had done something wrong. Kaj had even said it. She was acting like a child, she should have said no… should have said… should have done a lot of things. No. Not to Father Earth- she didn’t have the heart to say no. So she had said yes, and it was killing her anyways.

She did not notice anything amiss, there pressed against his chest, where the soft crackle of fur and the crescendo and decrescendo of the earth’s music around her were all she had to listen to. She did not glean that he had been lost in some other worldly thoughts, did not guess that he was listening to owls now, did not care that he was silent. He wasn’t yelling at her… it was a start, and then his head was upon her back, and that was better. His touch pulling her close, keeping her safe, a friend when she needed one, even though she hadn’t been. He was better than her, deserved so much more than her, but she couldn’t be anything else, so she just was. And for this moment, a few passing seconds as the moon began to climb higher in the sky, she felt safe and happy and home.

Except home couldn’t last, because it never lasted, and she never did anything right. She had tried- a gift for him because it was all she knew how to do was make things, and try to cover up feelings with trinkets- but it hadn’t been enough it seemed. He stared at it and said nothing while her heart began to climb higher in her chest. I already have, she wanted to yell at him suddenly, to remind him that he had forgiven her, so what was wrong with this now? Now what had she done? What cosmic force had she upset by making a rock glow, by bringing light to the darkness all around her? Was there some hidden part of his soul, deep in the frozen wasteland that beat in his chest, that hated rocks, or glowing, or light, or gifts? She didn’t know, and she couldn’t know, and she wanted to scream because it was just a second between them, but if felt like an eternity.

She hated eternities. They’d ruined her before. This one was ruining her again.

And then he was crying, head held low, pressed into the crook of her elbow, and the heart in her neck began to beat faster and she started to panic, her tail swishing uncomfortably around her hocks. “Oh gods, I’m sorry,” she spit out first, her own eyes growing moist, because she wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do, or what she had done. And then there was the point that he had his head against her. His horn was dangerously close to being able to eviscerate her, if he wanted, but she didn’t fear that any longer. Rather, it was that he would not be touching her if he was mad at her, she thought, so she didn’t know what to think at all.

“What did I do? I’m sorry,” she repeated again, helplessly, voice telegraphing her confusion and her panic as she tried to stay steady when she really just wanted to run around, or maybe curl into a ball on the ground and scream. Instead, she reached down to grab at his mane, lipping it and pulling at it, trying to distract herself while she fought off the urge to just take off and run out of Helovia. She had tried to leave once before and Kaj had stopped her. He wouldn’t stop her this time, she knew… nobody would, it seemed. Maybe leaving would be the easiest way; she could stop disappointing everyone then.

Kahlua

only light can drive out the darkness