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02-08-2015, 01:50 PM
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Y’know, there’s some fucked up irony somewhere, considering where I ended up running to. Because seasons ago this place would’ve been helpful for a bunch of different reasons—but it wasn’t until now, after I had properly failed, that I actually stumbled across it. I plunged myself into the darkness of the caverns—probably trying to pitch myself into hell, I guess. I’m not sure—I don’t remember what I was thinking at the time. I just remember the feeling of it because it was so bulky and boxy it was scratching me from the inside with its edges and razors ‘n shit. I just ran through the tunnels, the echo of my hoofbeats clanging around me, almost loud enough to drown out the shouting in my head, the roaring and the pounding and the everything. I came to a place where crystals glow, and the light is soft and soothing, and it probably would’ve been bitchin if I had come here with my head. I didn’t know where I left that, though. So there I was; running through crystal, weaving my way around with nothing but the harsh reverb of my heavy, strangled breathing crescendoing around me, suffocating me with my own breath. I paced; I stalked; I ran in circles, something bubbling within that I was trying to escape. But you can’t escape from your own guts and your own heart, because there’s veins there, anchoring you, tying you down to mortality with blood and sinister flesh that you wish you could shred and shrug off and leave the coat for someone else to find. I gasped and tears threatened, but I was fighting them with everything I had in me—and losing, too, losing horribly, because they flooded my lids and were doomed to fall any moment now, but dammit I was still swinging. I had no fucking right to cry; I had no right to this panic that was curdling and frothing inside; I had no right to the sadness that was eating me alive, to the profound sense of catastrophe that churned in my arteries, behind my stupid eyes, my stupid heart, my stupid ass and my stupid, stupid head. Stupid, stupid, stupid. What a waste. What a fucking disappointment you turned out to be. (What an awful daughter.) And so it went. In my head, going around and around in circles with myself, my own voice and Ma’s voice and Pa’s voice and every voice I had known, bunched up and thrown at me in my own mind. Weak. Pathetic. (fault) Disgusting. (your fault) Re-tarded. You could have stopped this. It’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault I didn’t even register that lightning flowed from my horn at all sides, that I was blasting crystals apart as I stumbled about, crushed by the voices (it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault). A glittering cloud of shards was already starting to form around me, and maybe that was a good thing, because at some point maybe one of them would finally strike me in the jugular or maybe I’d breathe some in and it’d shred me to pieces from the inside. I could only hope. (it’s your fault it’s your fault it’s your fault) I moaned something painful and somehow I was leaning against the wall of the cavern, broken pieces of crystal surrounding me as I struggled to contain the thing that was clawing at my throat and trying to leak from my eyes. I squeezed them shut, my jaw clenched and biting as I fought sob after sob trying to escape from my chest, wracking my whole body with the force of it, my breathing ragged and shallow with the exhaustion from my running and destruction and sadness. You have no reason to fucking cry. It’s your fault. |
