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02-23-2015, 04:16 PM
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My chuckle deepened into something more like laughter, falling gently from me as he offered a wry half-smile at me. I didn’t know it—but my nerves had been frozen and poised, watching him vigilantly, seeing just how badly I had fucked up the peace between us—but he seemed to forgive me, or at least he wasn’t as affected—and I dunno, maybe there was some piece of me that had expected him to vanish the moment I lost contact with him, the very instant something like real life pushed itself into our space, like arctic wind seeping through the cracks of a cave. But there he was. Smiling up at me of all things, offering his own little blip of darkness that resonated far more heavily that it ought’ve. I opened my mouth—and closed it just as quickly. I had no right to his thoughts, or to contradict something he would probably know better about himself (Everything you’ve done so far has been so right, Leos). If it were me laying in the crystal there, I probably would have snorted, or even gotten offended if someone brushed off the darkness in my memories like cobwebs in the corners (you’ve been so good to me). His was a story unknown to me, no matter how painfully I wanted to sit down and read that fucker—and if he says he was stupid, chances are he might’ve been, after all. (I don’t think you’re stupid, Lee) I wasn’t even aware that I had chanced a step toward him; like I said before, my nerves were aching something fierce, and all the fiercer with this renewed distance between us. It was…(shut up). I dunno, man. I can’t ( I wasn’t aware of my movement—that is, until I stopped in my tracks, listening to his words, fearing what they meant (what was Elding? Why did he call me that? Elding, elding, elding--). My breath hitched without my knowing, and my heart began to pound with doubt coursing through me; I bit my lip as I watched him, and I believed my face impassive, but there was probably a glint in my iris that was scared as hell. He was asking it, a thing I had almost blurted in my distress, a thing I wasn’t ready to give up yet. It was so much easier fucking things up when others didn’t know just how catastrophic your fuck ups really are. (...I don’t think I could bear his disappointment too.) *"—ah, fuck it."* And I could breathe again. I didn’t want to keep myself from him. It felt…ugly and wrong for me to do, like it was pushing him away. But it was a catch-22, wasn’t it? Either I keep myself to myself, and it pushes him away—or I tell him, and he leaves anyway, disgusted with this and the tears I had left against him, soaked in his skin. I ended up taking that step, anyway, while I listened to his next question. My lips twisted in thought, thinking back over the experiences of my life. “I…yes, it is,” I decided, wondering why it had been so hard to come to that conclusion; Toto’s death still ripped knives in me, and it was a sadness I had never experienced so hard before. “I was…terrified, though,” I continued, my mind stumped while my lips worked by themselves, obvious geniuses, “I’d been so terrified that it was gonna be my Ma next.” What is it about Leos that made my voice turn so soft? Not just in volume, either. Like…it was the voice of someone humane. “We haven’t been…I haven’t been talking to her,” came the confession, the awful guilt of it spilling out of me before I could stop it, “And I…I just can’t stand to see that look in her eye, y’know? To know that she hates…” my voice failed, and I shook my head. “But I was scared that the next time I saw a body, it would…And I hadn’t even said anything to her for seasons now…” I couldn’t finish the thought. I remembered how the flames of the fire monster had illuminated the outline of her body; I remembered how haggard she had looked the last time we had confronted each other on that mountaintop. It wasn’t something I had to stretch my imagination too long to consider. “…then I ended up losing anyway,” I said, something hoarse and cynical creeping into my teeth. His eyes found me, then, and mine found his (thank you), and something in them reminded me of the sagas within, the glitter of years flickering behind the tousled locks that folded down the length of his nose. “Have you…?” I started to ask, my voice failing from all sorts of things, but my heart pressing the thought out of my throat, “…have you ever lost someone, Lee?” |
