.svg/2000px-Google_Chrome_icon_(2011).svg.png){kind=icon}
06-07-2015, 02:20 PM
Snowwy requested a second judging of this spar.
NYX
Realism [3]
"Yet the majority of her opponent's fur is black, and sun is drawn to dark colours" - The sun isn't drawn to anything, it just affects darker colours more.
Perhaps the fact Nyx is living lightning deters the debris from hitting her, or perhaps the god of fortune got laid last night and is in a good mood - either way none of the flecks connect with her, to her relief. EHHHHH. I get that Ampere's attack didn't hit, but I really hated the first part of this response. Saying that perhaps it was something inherent about Nyx which made the attack not hit comes across as really disingenuous, imo. It would have been just as easy to have Nyx think, "pffft. Some rubble? Who cares?" and just charge through it, than make it out to be some supernatural intervening force.
I think there was WAY too much time between when Nyx's horn impacts Ampere in P2-P1, and when Nyx uses her shield. Ampere's bites are meant to occur fairly simultaneously with Nyx's horn attacks - Nyx tries to ram her shoulder and stab Amp's wing - Amp tries to dart right and bite Nyx. They both feint so Ampere misses Nyx's shoulder, but her teeth are still stretched out to bite her. However you write that there's time for Nyx to stop, say sorry, use her magic as a shield, THEN hear Ampere coming to attack.
With a savage growl Dominus throws himself towards Ampere's left side. More specifically, he aims for her folded left wing, the injured one, the smell of blood enticing him as his hindquarters bunch and he lunges up. - This felt unfair to me. You make it sound like Ampere just ran right by the lion - as if she was within a few feet of him. In reality, they've been moving around and it comes across as uncharitiable to just say that the lion is within attacking distance (if all he has to do is 'throw himself towards' her, rather than having to get up and run towards her first, then attack).
She hopes the stones stuck beneath her hoof will create small cuts in the skin, and perhaps pain the mare enough to make her drop her weapons. - I don't know about you, but when my horses get rocks stuck in their hooves they are NOT happy about it. This is creative, it just isn't realistic. You could have saved it, if you had mentioned any sort of discomfort Nyx felt at having stones in her hoof - for instance, saying, "Ampere's little dust-storm had caused a few small pebbles to become lodged in her hoof. Not enough to hurt, but enough to cause discomfort. As she tried to stomp on Ampere's leg, she hoped some of the blue mare's previous ire would come back to bite her." or something.
Why didn't Dominus see the electric lion and let Nyx know it was following Ampere?
The soldier scampers forwards after her attack and the ensuing bucks, which means that Ampere's lashing hindlegs mercifully miss her head - These attacks do not occur at the same time. Ampere flies over Nyx, Nyx stabs Ampere, Ampere defensively bucks, Nyx gets pooped on and screams a bit, THEN she bucks. The timing isn't even close.
She wheels around at the heavy thud that indicates Ampere has landed, tail arching and lashing to dispel the flies that persecute her frothing flanks. Again, this doesn't make sense. Ampere is already on the ground when Nyx bucks three times. I'm not going to keep mentioning it, but the timeline of your closing defense is really off.
Emotion [1]
All in all, you had more 'ha-ha' emotion, rather than real deep-down emotion. You mention Nyx is scared of Ampere's daggers, but that's the extent of it. Nyx wonders why Ampere is suddenly so mad, but doesn't ask why. We know that Ampere is feeding her tired body on her hate, but Nyx seems to keep up just fine. Why? What's keeping her going? At the end when Dominus is injured, I really expected a lot more. You wrote that Nyx cared about him, but I definitely didn't feel like she did.
P1: she also has an irrational fear of being shat on from a great height, because pegasi and pigeons are closely related, right.
P1: After all, an invading enemy isn't likely to say 'don't you worry, it's too hot to attack you today, but you're welcome to come join us for a cocktail and bikini party instead' - HAH.
P2: You write that Nyx is afraid of Ampere's daggers ... and I'm assuming that's why her lion intervenes. You were right up against the word count, so i'm thinking you just didn't have the space to write this part out, but I think you missed a great opportunity to get some emotion here. Why is Nyx afraid of daggers but not magic? Isn't it like fighting another unicorn? If not, why? What makes the lion intervene now? What is he thinking?
P3: Frustrated, flustered and covered in Ampere's last lunch... lololol
Prose [2]
P1: outweights his love of shredding things. : outweighs .
P1: they can dance just out of a horn's reach like feathered trolls: horns reach
P2: Nyx soon has chance to taste disappointment herself : has a chance
P3: Dominus, hissing from his failed attack, returns to all fours, crouched low and dangerous - Tense changes.
P3: but shortlived : short-lived or short lived
P3: phoenixlike: phoeonix-like
P4: sending livid pain through the her abdomen: through her abdomen
P5: to be knocked sparko by the flying crap-dispenser. I don't even know what 'sparko' is supposed to mean.
P5: desperately pedalling limbs smack: pedaling
Readability [1]
There were a couple of places - especially in your first post - that things came across fairly artificially. Unlike the old rubric, we don't have a specific place where we go, "Did they use the terrain well?" "Did they take into account the weather?" "Did they take into account breed differences?" It's much more organic with this new system - and yet you devoted an entire paragraph to ensuring that the judges knew you were mentioning the difference in breeds and what Nyx thought about the terrain. I'm not docking marks, but it's something to consider, because it really interrupted the flow for me. For instance, that Ampere is shorter does not mean Nyx will be stronger. Height isn't the only determining factor when it comes to strength, but because you just wanted to check off the 'mentioned breed differences' box, it came across as really artificial. However there were instances where you did a great job, like this: It's not very often that Nyx fights somebody smaller than herself, so she's damned well going to enjoy all the perks. I would just try and balance it out.
In P2, you respond to something Ampere says in her post - reassuring her about her lion. Had this been an attack (for instance, had you had Nyx avert or use her magic to stop Ampere's initial magical attack of flying debris) I would have dinged you hard. You already wrote Nyx as introducing the lion and then charging. When you go back and add in this dialogue, you're changing events that you already wrote happened. You cannot do this.
It seems her thunder has been well and truly stolen. Pun intended. lol
he hopes this will distract and pain the mare, stop her daggers from pursuing his bonded. - This was awkward to read.
You use the word 'rasp' in every post whenever you describe Nyx's horn use. I don't know that it's entirely correct ... when you rasp something, you're trying to remove something by scrapping it off, especially with something rough. So like .. sandpaper rasps walls to make them smooth. I didn't think Nyx's horn was that rough? Unicorn horns are generally smooth - even if that's the case, when Nyx tries to stab Ampere she isn't rasping at all - she's stabbing. She's trying to puncture, not scrape something off.
I mention it in realism, but there are a number of times where the timing is just off. I had to re-read almost every one of your posts to figure out what was happening in the timeline. It was really confusing.
Finally tally: 48.5 + (7*2) = 62.5HP
AMPERE
Realism [4]
She'd already lost her advantage at keeping the girl close by jerking away so strongly, meaning she'd have to face that horn again if she wanted to fight alongside it, which was the best course of action for limiting the long weapon. - Nicely put.
I'm the most strict when it comes to PP, but I would watch sentences like this, she told herself as she rounded upon Nyx. The best phrasing is going to be as she tried to round upon Nyx. This feels fairly declarative to me, as if Nyx had magic to instantly disappear, Ampere wouldn't have been rounding on anything.
Cool use of her magic with the daggers. As I was reading I was thinking, 'Why did she put them in the sand?' But doing so to attack the opposite side is really interesting!
Stout and well muscled with training, Ampere had enough agility and strength to bridle her attack power and divert it into an evasive maneuver instead; just another benefit of her sweet ass. Nice.
She was mostly going for dramatic flare, one of her finer points, and hopefully it helped hide the lightning lion behind her body until the last moment, so that she might distract her electric foe. - Cool strategy.
YOU TRIED TO POOP ON NYX. AMPERE. HOW COULD YOU.
Needing her shit to hit the mare, Ampere had to get closer for better accuracy, and that landed her right in prime pin-cushion territory. ahaha. Perfect.
Emotion [2]
OH AMPERE.
P1: If her answer was anything but no then they might have to redefine friendly spar. OH AMPERE. I love how IMMEDIATELY she worries about the companion.
P2: Fury burned through her like a high voltage wire, whipping against her bones and igniting her blood. The sensation born of the knowledge that this companion was indeed cast into the fight for blood, made Ampere irrational. Her high wattage emotions on top of an extremely empty stomach made her reactions careless and stupid. Like so many other moments before this, Ampere let herself get swept away in the tide, and in doing so, lost her footing. hnggg
P3: "He is a slave to you, and you have the audacity to think that is a good life?" Ampere sneered, feeling her rage ebb into weariness as her hurt and her hunger caught up with her. Damnit, she wanted to pummel this girl, but she'd be fighting uphill at this rate. "Stay in the shit were you belong, bonded."
With that Ampere turned to stalk off, ready to zap her ass if she tried to pursue.
Prose [4]
A few tense changes - and blood pours between the black and blue of the wind borne limb., and the next sentence, Ampere folded it in.. Other than that, no problem.
Readability [2.5]
They are like an orchestra singing to her with the humming of their energy, and so she plays on their strings, tugging them gently into the song of battle.
Ampere has been stabbed a time or two in her lifetime, and probably will be a couple times more, especially if she wasn't wary enough of them. This was awkward to read. I assume by 'them' you mean ... horns, or unicorns, but you don't mention it. Also the tense was weird.
Finally tally: 46.5 + (12.5*2)= 71.5HP
By my verdict: AMPERE is the winner!
NYX
Realism [3]
Emotion [1]
All in all, you had more 'ha-ha' emotion, rather than real deep-down emotion. You mention Nyx is scared of Ampere's daggers, but that's the extent of it. Nyx wonders why Ampere is suddenly so mad, but doesn't ask why. We know that Ampere is feeding her tired body on her hate, but Nyx seems to keep up just fine. Why? What's keeping her going? At the end when Dominus is injured, I really expected a lot more. You wrote that Nyx cared about him, but I definitely didn't feel like she did.
P1: she also has an irrational fear of being shat on from a great height, because pegasi and pigeons are closely related, right.
P1: After all, an invading enemy isn't likely to say 'don't you worry, it's too hot to attack you today, but you're welcome to come join us for a cocktail and bikini party instead' - HAH.
P2: You write that Nyx is afraid of Ampere's daggers ... and I'm assuming that's why her lion intervenes. You were right up against the word count, so i'm thinking you just didn't have the space to write this part out, but I think you missed a great opportunity to get some emotion here. Why is Nyx afraid of daggers but not magic? Isn't it like fighting another unicorn? If not, why? What makes the lion intervene now? What is he thinking?
P3: Frustrated, flustered and covered in Ampere's last lunch... lololol
Prose [2]
P1: outweights his love of shredding things. : outweighs .
P1: they can dance just out of a horn's reach like feathered trolls: horns reach
P2: Nyx soon has chance to taste disappointment herself : has a chance
P3: Dominus, hissing from his failed attack, returns to all fours, crouched low and dangerous - Tense changes.
P3: but shortlived : short-lived or short lived
P3: phoenixlike: phoeonix-like
P4: sending livid pain through the her abdomen: through her abdomen
P5: to be knocked sparko by the flying crap-dispenser. I don't even know what 'sparko' is supposed to mean.
P5: desperately pedalling limbs smack: pedaling
Readability [1]
There were a couple of places - especially in your first post - that things came across fairly artificially. Unlike the old rubric, we don't have a specific place where we go, "Did they use the terrain well?" "Did they take into account the weather?" "Did they take into account breed differences?" It's much more organic with this new system - and yet you devoted an entire paragraph to ensuring that the judges knew you were mentioning the difference in breeds and what Nyx thought about the terrain. I'm not docking marks, but it's something to consider, because it really interrupted the flow for me. For instance, that Ampere is shorter does not mean Nyx will be stronger. Height isn't the only determining factor when it comes to strength, but because you just wanted to check off the 'mentioned breed differences' box, it came across as really artificial. However there were instances where you did a great job, like this: It's not very often that Nyx fights somebody smaller than herself, so she's damned well going to enjoy all the perks. I would just try and balance it out.
In P2, you respond to something Ampere says in her post - reassuring her about her lion. Had this been an attack (for instance, had you had Nyx avert or use her magic to stop Ampere's initial magical attack of flying debris) I would have dinged you hard. You already wrote Nyx as introducing the lion and then charging. When you go back and add in this dialogue, you're changing events that you already wrote happened. You cannot do this.
It seems her thunder has been well and truly stolen. Pun intended. lol
he hopes this will distract and pain the mare, stop her daggers from pursuing his bonded. - This was awkward to read.
You use the word 'rasp' in every post whenever you describe Nyx's horn use. I don't know that it's entirely correct ... when you rasp something, you're trying to remove something by scrapping it off, especially with something rough. So like .. sandpaper rasps walls to make them smooth. I didn't think Nyx's horn was that rough? Unicorn horns are generally smooth - even if that's the case, when Nyx tries to stab Ampere she isn't rasping at all - she's stabbing. She's trying to puncture, not scrape something off.
I mention it in realism, but there are a number of times where the timing is just off. I had to re-read almost every one of your posts to figure out what was happening in the timeline. It was really confusing.
Finally tally: 48.5 + (7*2) = 62.5HP
*******************************************
AMPERE
Realism [4]
Emotion [2]
OH AMPERE.
P1: If her answer was anything but no then they might have to redefine friendly spar. OH AMPERE. I love how IMMEDIATELY she worries about the companion.
P2: Fury burned through her like a high voltage wire, whipping against her bones and igniting her blood. The sensation born of the knowledge that this companion was indeed cast into the fight for blood, made Ampere irrational. Her high wattage emotions on top of an extremely empty stomach made her reactions careless and stupid. Like so many other moments before this, Ampere let herself get swept away in the tide, and in doing so, lost her footing. hnggg
P3: "He is a slave to you, and you have the audacity to think that is a good life?" Ampere sneered, feeling her rage ebb into weariness as her hurt and her hunger caught up with her. Damnit, she wanted to pummel this girl, but she'd be fighting uphill at this rate. "Stay in the shit were you belong, bonded."
With that Ampere turned to stalk off, ready to zap her ass if she tried to pursue.
Prose [4]
A few tense changes - and blood pours between the black and blue of the wind borne limb., and the next sentence, Ampere folded it in.. Other than that, no problem.
Readability [2.5]
They are like an orchestra singing to her with the humming of their energy, and so she plays on their strings, tugging them gently into the song of battle.
Ampere has been stabbed a time or two in her lifetime, and probably will be a couple times more, especially if she wasn't wary enough of them. This was awkward to read. I assume by 'them' you mean ... horns, or unicorns, but you don't mention it. Also the tense was weird.
Finally tally: 46.5 + (12.5*2)= 71.5HP
