i am the vanguard of your destruction

[ couldn't help yourself with the post either, I see xDD rofl ]

And just like that...

.. doubt comes rolling back in, a tidal wave of memory and sensation, of devil-may-care excitement, and...

.. of a young girl, black coat speckled white, and her blue, blue eyes. Eyes as blue as the glaciers, eyes as blue as the winter sky, eyes as blue as his. It was an almost sickening lurch, going straight through soul and heart, tangling up in the memory of sweat and heat the gull-breeze off the ocean and the tug of teeth against a sweat-soaked skin—

It's like having a five years younger you invited back into a body it no longer inhabited, full of mistakes and sharp edges, fresh cuts that won't ever turn into scars. It's like having everything you thought you knew questioned, the ground ripped out from under you, and without neither warning nor excuse, explanation, you're just tumbled gracelessly down.

It's like staring at the woman you fucked and wondering how you can claim to love someone else.

He wasn't sure if he was big on this whole monogamous thing anyway (never mind the fact that his lips were sealed tight and he hadn't said shit to her about liking her so he had no obligations and no rights and why the fuck couldn't he stop thinking about her)—but it rang hollow all the same, and while the board had altered dramatically, the premises remained the same. Sweaty black mare, jackass stallion, heart and dick going in two different directions.

Consequences.

He tries to freeze himself with the image of Glacia's eyes.

He didn't need more mistakes running around longing for the love he never gave. He didn't need.. he didn't need.. fuck, he didn't need any of this; he didn't need the over-powering memories of her scent, didn't need her refined shape plastered onto his retina, or the knowledge that she knew who he was—there was no more Liam on the beach. No more carefree rolling in the sand, because shit had gone all wrong and she knew that he was Mauja, an angel chained by his own name and everything he clung to because it was familiar.

Never mind that it drowned him.

He gritted his teeth, and turned his head away until his cheek lay flat against the rough bark of the nearest tree. He'd taken refuge in the small copse to avoid the worst of the day's heat, but it had been futile—heat had found him anyway, and coming from a different place this time. The sun might've taken its scorching rays and gone to torment some other poor sod, but in its stead memory had come, and it wasn't like he wanted to do that with her anyway—

So what the hell was his problem?

His problem was that he had always hated this—and ever since Lotus, it had been more like a trauma. He wanted to run, not from them but from himself, from the way it chewed at his control and dared him (because commanding would not work; it had to be subtle, until it was too late).

He bit the tree. He bit the goddamned tree. It tasted rough and earthy, but it didn't help. It tasted vile after a second and that didn't help, either, because his mind just played up the memory of pinching black skin between his teeth, and in frustration his tail lashed against his sweat-crusted hocks and sides. Damn but it was annoying—frustrating—so fucking seductively sweet and in disgust he dribbled out saliva-drenched pieces of bark. Like, holy fuck, man, get a grip, because things had changed. It didn't matter that she probably knew nothing of what Mauja meant—but what mattered was that he wasn't just some handsome stranger on the beach anymore.

He was the fucking father of her child.

Because that's how these things ended up.

[ @[Sialia]. I'm sorry but I think it must be official by now that Sia + sweat is just a huge turn-on. ]