ARAH
Realism [+0.5]
Overall your attacks and defenses are realistic in terms of physical ability and time. What happens however, is that you take inappropriate damage for the dice roll and/or you take the damage in ways that are not feasible. For instance in your first post, you took a damage roll of 6 which is a very high, and you put all that damage into being bit on the stomach, which you continually describe as painful and bleeding all during the fight (positive points for mentioning sustained injuries each post!). Yet horse’s teeth are very blunt, and a horse’s stomach very round and tight, so it’s hard for blunt teeth to get a good and strong hold on that. Thus, I find it unrealistic that Arah was that damaged by a stomach bite. Don’t forget you do not need to take all your roll damage from your opponent’s attack! If your opponent’s attack doesn’t give you all the tools you need to take proper damage, or isn’t the method you want, you have other options such as the environment or your own actions firing back against you to take injury from.

Then in your third post you roll 0 damage, but you have Africa scrape Arah’s front legs with her attack. Follow the damage guidelines the dice provide, sometimes it is okay to take no damage from someone!

Finally, your fourth post also has some damage concerns, in that you rolled a 5, and only briefly describe being hit on the rear with little explanation or detail to the injury. Closing defense is read only for the purpose of injury/defense, so focus on that is crucial, and I didn’t see that.

With realism description is key. Something I may not think is realistic, I can be made to believe is so if you provide enough detail and explanation through your writing. A reverse example of this is power playing. Sometimes just a word or two of difference changes a power player into something acceptable. Just remember to always attempt things on other characters, and only know them with yours - this includes your position when you are comparing it to your opponent’s position.

First post:
“Coming up behind her target…”
But you cannot say for sure you are behind her, so that is small power play.

Third post:
“...she charges Africa coming at the mare from the side...” (mild PP)
“She had covered the short distance in a matter of seconds, reaching Africa quickly and effectively. “ (mild PP)

Other than that, as mentioned you did excellent continually mentioning your sustained injuries. You also made realistic attacks, and used your companion and magic very well (thank you for including the magic description and restriction at the bottom of your posts when used!). You didn't touch on breed/stat differences at all, but you did mention the weather/terrain a few times, albeit just in passing description rather than utilization of it to help and/or hinder you in some way. All in all, you have the realism, just stick to the damage the dice lay out for you and adjust your wording to avoid power play penalties.

Emotion [+2]
You had fluctuating emotion throughout the fight, with it feeling the strongest in your second post. It was always present however, and Arah’s feelings and motives were always well understood.

“Golden orbs grew wide as she became decorated in the colours of war, the sound she would never forget. Flesh tearing, feathers ripping, bones...bones being ripped away from under the flesh. The doe's legs faltered, shaking as she stopped her charge. The other mare screamed in agony and Arah felt her own tears begin to tip over the edge of her eyes. Utter shock and disgust rocked her body.

What had she just done?

A feather became entangled in her mane, golden orbs focused on it….”


Prose [+2.5]
Great flow and description all throughout the fight.


Readability [+1.5]
Although your posts were understandable, I struggled quite a bit with grammar and typos throughout each post which were distracting. Mostly you had errors within your sentences, including frequent changes in tense, and improper comma usage. I would also recommend using more names since all the “shes” and “mares” got difficult to differentiate, particularly when they’re the same gender. Finally, I would have liked to see more directional language used to help me understand her positioning, such as saying left, right, parallel, perpendicular etc. when comparing to Africa.

Post 1:
“Yet.” (fragment)
“...on the spot, the closer….” (should be a new sentence rather than a comma)
“...Africa completes her circle…” (completed)
“...waters of shock does not…” (comma needed)
“...Arah's stomach's flesh, an..” (new sentence or maybe a semicolon instead of a comma, stomach didn’t need an s/apostrophe s.)
“...in the furthers part…” (furthest)
“...the grey’s mare stumbling…” (no apostrophe s needed)
“...griffin's claws, death is …” (semicolon better than a comma, also switched tenses from past to present)

Post 2: +2 lots of sentences that should be separated rather than using a comma.
“...his weak body, her powerful…” (should be different sentences, not a comma)

Post 3: +1.5 multiple tense changes all throughout post, some listed, no directional language
“... a hiss a pain…” (of)
“... to begin overriding wit and sense” (switched tenses)
“The griffin is thirsty for blood…” (switched tenses)
“...legs shock from time…” (shocked? Not sure what you were trying to say.)


Finally tally: 34+(6.5*2)= 47 HP


AFRICA
Realism [+1.5]
You keep a good eye on proper damage and injury, but at times you struggle with realistic defenses and loosely described attacks. For instance, taking a broken wing for your critical hit was awesome in your first post, however I didn’t understand how it was that Africa moved, placing Arah’s attack for her rump, at her wing instead. You go on to just blindly bite for an attack, which is fine, but you do similar when you just generally lash out in your second post, and somewhat again in your third post when you kick out. If you want poor aim or emotional fighting to be Africa’s theme, that’s fine, but I needed that to be described then; this method just felt like at the last second you rushed in an attack.

I was also confused about how Africa responded to Arah’s magic, which I otherwise thought you responded well to given the lack of physical attack. When you first respond to the magic, you seem to be saying Arah is appearing as Midas, or being Midas, causing Africa to later shout out “Imposter!” yet I didn’t get that feeling from Arah’s post at all. You go on to respond more in accordance with what I read Arah’s magic as doing, which was rewriting an old memory with Arah being helpful in it.

Similarly I was confused about how suddenly in your third post you write that Silas was still being held by Wynter. I got that he was in the end of your first post, after the draining clutch magic, but it seemed as if they separated then - Wynter certainly didn’t specify in any of her further posts that she still had Silas. So that threw me off, but then you go on to attack Wynter, then power play your release to use Silas later in the thread, which just made it generally unrealistic and hard to sort out.
“In a bold exercise, the Roc thrust upwards his skull with the intention of sinking his sharp raptor beak beneath the Griffin’s skin - at least, he would startle the creature’s grip and be released. Like a rock he fell indeed, but free again and without the terrible curse of those claws upon him, his strength began to return quickly.” (PP)
I did however think your usage of Silas’ time magic to assist with Africa’s bird transformation was awesome, and that using that as a way to leave the fight was all very genius!

Furthermore in your third post, although you rolled a 6, I would say having your cecum punctured, even if “just a little bit”, is still a very big deal and likely to be fatal - that should be reserved for a critical hit, if at all. I’m also not completely sold on how Africa was able to jump up and over Arah’s antlers, resulting in that injury, even with your higher agility stat and height, that you did mention in passing.

Otherwise you had some good touches on stats and breed differences, and you frequently mentioned weather/surroundings, although you mostly noticed them rather than used them to some advantage or disadvantage of yours. You have a good eye for realism and follow the dice pretty well, but either spend more time explaining your attacks/defenses to make them more realistic, or view more actual horses fighting to get a better grasp of a typical fight.


Emotion [+2]
All through the fight you had good emotion and I really felt Africa’s upset over the entire ordeal.

““Silas..” she stammered, reaching desperately through their bond for his whereabouts, but the Roc could not answer - could not save her.

Still the other mare did not return, and Africa stumbled through the darkness like a lost lamb, helpless, searching for something… “Midas!” she cried achingly, hurling bitter melancholy into the moaning night. Wherewas he?”
P3: +2.5
“The white fiend from the north was as evil and untrustworthy as the macabre animals she called family; as honest as the fabled nymph of the ocean - alluring, manipulative and savage.”


Prose [+3]
Beautifully well written with excellent flow and vocabulary in every post.


Readability [+2.5]
Generally proper grammar and spelling, but there were some confusing areas I had to re-read a few time to understand what was happening. Thank you for including magic descriptions and uses in your OOC notes when you used them!

Post 2:
“... her mind, core - soul.” (needs and or her before those words)
“Wherewas he?” (space between words)

Post 3:
“...using to her advantage apparently…” (missing a word?)


Finally tally: 39+(9*2)= 57 HP