i won't be saved

a mocking bark followed the yips of the smaller pup, bemused by the frustrations and aggression towards her, sameira stamps her feet around the little pup, trying to trap him beneath her large body. a toothy, almost maniacal grin shines down upon the little rougarou as he bounds about. my attention snaps, too much weight against a thinning rope. the Skinwalker lingers, its toothy smirk and haunting eyes watching my every move, a single blink and it appears behind sia, blood red tongue slithering out to gently caress the skin of sia's neck. my blood boils, like a territorial dog watching another dog piss on its pole. "oh.. a little— envious are we?" my body shakes, i'm ready to lunge at the Skinwalker before it melts away, slipping beneath the shadows and reappearing in the distance.

sia's voice brings me back, her questions on if i'm okay pulling my focus to her. i attempt to say something, mouth gaping open as my eyes are glued to the place where the Skinwalker just stood, hollow laugh haunting my thoughts. "oh um.. nothing. just thought i saw something." a weak lie, like that spun by a sick spider, an adolescent whose webs were flimsy and easily ruined. i looked at sia, trying to manage a smile despite the weird, tumbling emotions trapped within my constricting gut. the Skinwalker had gotten closer to sia, closer to her than i ever have. something felt off about that, something seemed wrong that i wasn't as close to sia as i'd like to be.

i stop, my thoughts washing away, swept out to sea with the incoming tide. well actually.. no, i'm not okay—" my tone drops, eyes settling on the ground as i feel my heart rate quicken. whether i wanted to or not, i had to tell sia. i couldn't live with her being oblivious to my mental state, to have her not be aware of the sickening nightmares that haunt me every night. "i just.. there's something... er— a few things i guess.." someone's cold, moist breath runs down my neck, a wicked laugh resonating within my ear. "go on—"

i swallow what little courage i have left, lower lip trembling as i try to press my nose to sia's side, a desperate attempt to hide my tears and anguish as i breath in her sweet, familiar scent. the most pathetic smile and laugh fall from my quivering lips, my hind legs tucking in closer as i lay beside sia. while i try to calm myself down enough to tell her, she invites me to live within the throat, to have a family that would care. something drops, maybe me stomach? maybe my heart that's growing too heavy to keep in my chest anymore? my eyes close, nostrils flaring as i feel my emotions pivot from purest ecstasy to despair, breathing rapid as i can't control anything anymore. "sia i want to— but i can't. no one will want me." i murmur as sia begins to groom my withers without care that i'm breaking down before her.

"sia please, listen." i beg, attempting to push her away with my arched neck while keeping my face pressed against her. "i can't. they won't want someone who's crazy." breathing becomes strenuous, my lungs corrupted by the dark tendrils of my anxieties. "sometimes.. i wake up covered in blood... or in places i don't remember going to. but it's not sleepwalking, i don't sleep at night sia. i don't sleep at all because it keeps me up." i feel the sleepless nights weigh down my eyelids, scratching beneath my amber eyes with their tedious, foul little claws, whispering and beckoning for me to succumb to sleep. "i don't know what's happening to me," some tiny voice slips from my lips, weak and feeble as i whisper, "i'm scared."

i close my eyes for just a second, feeling sameira sending moral support before nearly squashing goblin's head with her massive paw, ears flattened as she watches the tiny pup jump around. she swipes her tail towards the juvenile, planning on tripping him. some compelling force emanated from her, making me need to assert my dominance over something. within, something stirred. my body strained, my mind blurring and recklessness becomes a need, a desire. i wanted to dance at the edge of cliffs and scream that i didn't give a fuck, to kick my feet out carelessly as the ocean sang a little song while my body crumbled into it's eager waves.

while a slow, odd process begins, fatigue wrapping me up while my mind shifts and changed, a puzzle that can be solved a million different ways clicking and winding, shifting into something completely different and unfamiliar. "but what would i do there? i'm not talented at all, but i want to be useful.." i wanted to go to the throat and stay with sia, but i couldn't muster the strength to, i couldn't allow myself to put an entire herd at risk for my odd, destructive behaviour and random bouts of amnesia.

@[Sikeax] • <3