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I’d never looked at him as anything other than human. I’d never seen Ulrik like I saw his machines; he was more than the metal and more than the formulas that made them turn… But, I had come from a different past. I had come from faded glory and a royalty that was no longer my own. My life had once been so promising before my mother had- I’d told myself that I was finished with death and its misery, but I had been so blessed as a child and now nothing remained. Maybe Ulrik and I were equal- two figures perched upon a single plane of understanding. Though I couldn’t decide what it was that we shared… what pains existed between us now that brought us any closer than before, despite the wrongs we’d committed?
Relaxing on a sigh, I settled into my skin for the first time in weeks. I was free to make my own decisions and to go where I pleased, but Ulrik was still there. He hadn’t cured my prejudices against the Basin, but his persistence had certainly intrigued me. Anger and loss had always been the pillar of my existence and they had been stripped because of my inability to remain unfeeling... As much as I wanted to simply hate him, I couldn’t. Wouldn’t.
Yet, how was I supposed to hide that fact that my time in the Basin had greatly affected me? Whether it was because they had robbed me of my family and home or because I’d simply donned a new appreciation for their faction was still debatable, but things had come to pass.
Opinions were so easily changed.
Even now, as I desired to summon the hatred I’d once felt for the Basin and for Ulrik, I could not. Everything felt like the hazy mists of the World’s Edge… Could I not simply return to my youth? Could I not return to my childish naivety? I didn’t want to grow up; I wanted to remain oblivious to life and to what was right and wrong. Morals held no bearing on my heart… but freedom did. The freedom to run and the freedom to sing and to dance and to be... how I missed that part of myself. However, that wasn’t enough… it wasn’t enough for me to remember. I needed to share my past; I needed to show someone.
I didn’t need a land full of mothers, fathers, sisters, and brothers to hear me. I only needed one- One what? Friend? Mentor? I wasn’t sure what I needed, but one day I would be able to answer my own questions. I would be able to determine what my soul needed to flourish… I just wished today was that day. Weakness had crumbled my defenses and I’d been coaxed from strength only to embrace the darkness that was death and grief.
Yet, I was not alone, even if I couldn’t discern why.
I poured over eyes of deep bronze, searching for something that was not mine. I traced the hard lines of muscle I could not touch, still wishing to find comfort against their taut curvature. Everything about Ulrik was hard and unforgiving and yet I found warmth simmering just beneath the icy fortitude constructed to keep me out. I’d never wanted to gain his confidence, only his favor, until he’d been compelled enough to release me from captivity… Still, here I was wondering. But, I didn’t want to press him; I wanted to forget him and the Basin and whatever tragedy awaited me in the Falls. I wanted nothing more than to move on from this moment and those that had segued into this loss of direction. I was stronger than that, wasn’t I?
I’d always told myself to find encouragement and instruction from within… I’d always been independent in so many ways. I’d always… been okay. However, Ulrik’s violent tongue and hopelessly attractive accent warped my every receptor and destroyed my every oiled thought… this newfangled, mechanical heart of mine, one probably crafted by Ulrik himself… broke.
The Edge… my home and my past…
They had caused this hurt. They had caused my suffering and my hatred and my…. I didn’t have the words. I couldn’t even find it within myself to remain unmoved.
“ You knew. You knew what was happening and you didn’t even have the decency to tell me. Lies or not, that’s deception,” I urged quietly. They’d robbed me of my fight, but there was no use in acting like I felt nothing, because I felt everything. I felt the flutter of my heart, I felt the heat of my anger, and I felt the guilt that made my skin cold. Was there truly any use in telling myself otherwise? Yet, it was not I who attempted to claim pride now. It was the Engineer as he breathed outward, his back stiff and straight with tension… What could possibly compel him to care? What compelled him to think that I was not permitted a mere moment of unabashed hate and anger and scorn? As far as I was concerned, this moment was entirely cathartic. Fuck righteousness, I just wanted to wallow.
“ You also had plenty of chances to tell me Ulrik! Yet, you chose to ignore the truth completely. Why is it that the Basin always involves itself in matters of anguish and war? What does that teach me about you, about your people? I find it humorous that you can compare our lives as if they exist in the same universe. You know nothing about me; you know nothing of what I’ve been through. I don’t need your advice when it comes to losing things, I’ve lost plenty. Call me pitiful; call me sad or weak- I don’t mind. This isn’t the first time I’ve dealt with betrayal and it certainly won’t be the last.”
Yet…
“ Why are you here? Why spend your time with me after you sought to aid the Edge in taking everything I cherished?” |
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