For the first time in her entire sorry excuse of a life, she finds what it feels like to be top dog, to be on top and in control. She knew what the leads felt when their herds gathered before them at their call and how strong and powerful it must of felt in their hearts when they chose to raise their voices high into the sky and give information and orders.
All of that power, and she hates it with all of the years that fill an enternity. She is Sikeax, a weak girl struggling to find her place within the body of a woman and to live her dreams to the highest when the weight of one dream is as heavy as the whole world, placed solely on her heart and shoulders. Sikeax has no heart to bully and to rise up above others in a cruel way that it strikes fear in the eyes of others.
As Sikeax, her heart crumbles and begs for forgiveness for what she has just done.
Her actions were Hobgoblin searching for a hate vein she doesn't own. She cannot be Hobgoblin. Hobgoblin is a beast, a monster, a show of raw power with all the drive to flaunt it before the eyes of every spectator in the universe. Hobgoblin is who makes the selfish acts and thinks only of himself, who isn't scared to bully and rise above all others to be the king.
She needs to be Sikeax and only Sikeax.
She needs to apologize, but where is the apology at? Where are even the words that build the apology? Hobgoblin's hatred is so strong that she's fallen mute inside her true self.
Fear strangles her when she see's him buck, Hobgoblin recoiling with a cry of terror and horror, snapping outwards when the tail comes to hit him. He reaches and yet misses, finally accepting his fate when Sikeax's hand reaches his, drowning in the emotions that tell him she loves him and worries for his life as of the time being.
"Don't hurt him." Her voice is cold and shallow, broken into soft whispers as her eyes swell with tears. "Please."
She makes so many promises to grow some strength and courage, yet here she begs for mercy as wounded eyes turn to her and burrow into her chest and soul. Kindness was not something she was ready to give, and there he stood, looking for it with dark eyes.
Hobgoblin gives a long hiss as he swings back around to Sikeax, wrapping talons into her forelock. Squeaks flutter from his lips and dip into her ears. The boy(for she cannot call him a man just yet) offers weak nips upon her ears as if to remind her that he is okay, to stop the tears she's so close to spilling at the very thought, almost the sight of losing him when she hasn't had him around long enough to know exactly how important he was.
She lets go of one tear in bittersweet, heart-wrenching joy through the bites, trying to ignore the pain and the slow, small bleeding cuts he leaves behind with each mark.
He's all I've got.
The silence is shattered like broken glass, raw feelings dripping from the hole in her chest as he speaks. A needle and thread to stitch up the wound would be comforting at this point, but she can't search in her medical book of a brain on how to fix the issue. She's only done it for others and not once for herself.
"Nothing is a grave. If you abandon something because there is nothing there, then you haven't given it a chance to start over new where it can grow into a beautiful garden. You gave up on it before you even thought of giving it the second chance it needed."
She chokes down a sob and tries to lock away the tears before she speaks again. "It might not of even been a grave when you left it behind."

OOC: I got feels.
Why this, Jen, why
@[Ashamin]

"If you could hear me then, can you hear me now?"

Sikeax;

i'm missing the beauty in your soul