Fucking nailed it.

At least that’s how you felt as you swooped in towards those owls—I mean, sure, maybe you were probably only a third their height with none of the class or the dignity but hey! You were an owl! You were feathery and you were flying and it was awesome because now you were in on the joke.

Heavy wings fell and something white and sharp flew for you—and maybe in a different life, in a different universe, your ass would’ve been grass and you would’ve been sitting pretty in something’s stomach as a weak-ass lunch. But you felt no fear as you saw the large snowy female swoop for you—if anything it excited you, spurring on that blind, star-struck devotion as she showed off her skills. So fucking cool--your mind was blowing and it was erupting in the back of my head and it felt like stardust flowing everywhere as you dove away from her talons, tiny wings beating swiftly in a tempo much quicker than hers as you tried to gain altitude away from her attacking (but not really) talons.

You swerved in the sky, much, much clumsier than she was—your happiness almost embarrassing to look at, your eyes wide and cheerful as you made all sorts of hooting noises (which were more like trills, let’s be honest, your ass wasn’t all owl like you believed yourself to be), wondering why the other one wasn’t joining in the obvious game you were playing with them. It was like a club—oh god, it was probably the most awesome coolest thing ever and this was probably the best day in your life.
My chest started glowing for you—well. Okay, not gonna lie. It was already glowing but your fiery happiness was making the glow almost too intense for me, a tangible pain that I had to breathe through steadily in order to take it. It was your happiness doing it—your happiness and that name Elding that I still didn’t understand, but tugged at me something fierce.

*“Elding?”*

How could something I didn’t understand mean so much anyway?

I stopped walking when he noticed me, whirling around to see me, my n…name slipping out of his lips with much more alarm than I was expecting. The very name itself was enough to make my bite my lip to keep me from—from what? Was I trying to keep some tears stuck in my skull again? It was easier this time, at any rate; Hototo had been a sudden thing that crashed down around me, a thing I hadn’t had time to process, a thing that caused a sadness to well up so violently that it had exploded outward, shattering crystals and plunging into hearts. But I had carried this thing for some time now, letting it haunt me at nights, during the day, whenever my eyes got too heavy. It was…

…it was becoming familiar, I guess.

But I wasn’t expecting to see the immediate worry in his eyes, the alarm—fear almost—contorting ice-like features of his face. But wait—oh yeah, I haven’t been sleeping, haven’t I? And come to think of it, my stomach was roiling in a way that I had come to ignore, because it was better than feeling an oily coat of nausea for letting anything slip down this throat. And I guess at this point the haze in my eyes was hard to ignore; maybe once upon a time I could’ve hidden it, acting all kinds of angry and ferocious like always, but I didn’t have the energy for it at that point.

I didn’t want to fake it. Not with Lee.

I wanted…I wanted to let it go. I wanted someone to know. Someone who could handle it; someone who wasn’t ruined by the very sight of me, who wasn’t sabotaged by my very presence. Who didn’t ”remember” something awful whenever they looked into my eyes.

*"What's wrong?"*

Everything, my mind screamed.

“Everything,” my voice whispered.

I stood frozen as he touched my cheek—keeping myself still, absolutely still, because his touch was almost enough to break down the dam behind my eyes and I…I didn’t want to break down again. Not now. And the other part of me wanted to fling myself at him, clutch at him, swing my head over his shoulders and let myself hold him and be held because I…

I…

…I don’t even know.

So I just stood still.

But I spoke to him, looking up at him with haunted eyes. “Lee,” I asked, something like a plea coming in my voice, “how do you fix a world that’s fucked by default?”

My breathing was shallow—but I did my damndest to keep it steady and I guess I was succeeding. “It’s like,” I blabbed on, letting my mouth run with Lee—because it was a thing I was able to do with him, “It’s like…we were just united together, this whole big-ass team against the murders and the Moon Goddess ‘n everything. But now it’s like…the moment shit gets too calm, someone’s gotta start some shit and fuck it all up and I don’t even know—“

The intensity in my gaze rose as I looked at him. “There was an invasion, Lee.” My voice turned desperate and broken, the image of those two little babies and that deranged woman swimming in my vision, “Some assholes from the Edge and the Basin just—they just jumped into the Falls and I still don’t understand why but it’s like—“ My chest started to heave; I stumbled closer to Lee, somewhere where his chest would be, blindly groping for an embrace that would soothe the wild rocking thing in me. “I met these two little girls, Lee,” I damn-near sobbed into his neck, “I met them crying in the meadow and they were so confused and scared and angry and I told them it would be okay but how do I fix this shit for them? How do I beat away the armies of two herds? Why wasn’t I there, Lee?” My voice started rising, almost hysterical. “Why wasn’t I there in the first place? Isn’t that what I’m supposed to do? Keep this shit tight from assholes running around just—just starting shit ‘cuz they got enough people to do it? Because they fucking can? Who’s that evil?”

“And then I—“ but I cut myself off at that point, because my soul was about to fly out of my mouth (Your mother isn't sure what to do with you? That's your fault. You're awful--) but I wasn’t sure if I could confess that special, personal horror of mine without breaking completely. So I—I shut up awkwardly, my body shivering in a way that had nothing to do with an Orangemoon chill.


[AWW BRO D*** BUMP YUS]
"talk"