~.~.~.~
No no please no-- I was moaning in my head, no, please this isn’t what’s supposed to happen, this isn’t--

But he kept on pulling away from me—slowly, gently, and it was all the worse for it and I wish he were jerking himself away, a clean break even if it was messy—because this slow shit was torture and he was drawing himself away like he was extracting himself from some mud puddle and I swear I tried to hold on, I swear I did, but my neck was sore and there was a cramp and my muscles were tired and so was the rest of me and I couldn’t hold onto him (my blackest, deepest nightmare--)

--and as he drew away from me he pulled a sob from my throat—because the tears that had sprung from me before had been out of pain, but once loosed I couldn’t stop them; there were tears I had shoved in the back of my head, pummeled into place, keeping them locked away because I didn’t deserve to fucking cry at any time, for anything. But now they fell and once started I was too tired to stop it—so the pain tears fell and there was a reservoir just waiting for it and they finally got their chance to cascade from me from a deep, deep abyss –
--and I watched him back away from me; I watched him and felt the words he had spoken against me reverberating inside me, my stomach and things (Elding, Elding, Elding) and I wanted to follow him again, oh god, I wanted to grasp him again and pin him down and twist his neck so his tears would fall out too—

--but I couldn’t even think about taking a step before my body shifted to the right, then to the left, wobbling on my own feet, and I was dizzy without realizing it and the tears I was crying was really exhausting cuz they just fell like weights out of my eyes and my tongue was still bleeding and I was still swallowing it and there wasn’t as much as before but my tongue still throbbed with self-inflicted stupidity—

--and something else was happening, too. An unspoken barrier between my mind and my mouth was dissolving, or at least the guy in charge of it was AWOL at the moment—and I didn’t realize it but when I was thinking no no no I had been moaning “No, no, no—“ and I was still doing it, all bloody and under my breath as I watched him retreat with eyes that grew wider and wider and WIDER—

--like he was looking at me like there was a storm coming or he was seeing something awful bearing down on him and goddamn I hated crying and I hated seeing him like—seeing him like he was staring into his own death—but he kept backing away from me--

--and my breath rocked and my chest shook and my heart was beating uselessly because everything was going cold.

*"It's like.. it's like there's nothing of me left in me. Just.. winter.”*

I shook my head at his words—well, I’m not really sure what I was shaking my head at, or why, or whatever, because I could’ve been trying to shake my tears off my eyes or I could’ve been shaking my head at myself for letting him go—

--why was I so afraid of letting him go?--

--and he was still talking and I wobbled in place to listen to him.

*"There's just this nothingness in me."*

“But there wa’ somethin’ before,” I thought to myself, “there wa’ other things, wasn’ there, there had to be, because nothin’ asks what’s wrong and means it—“ My teeth were stained; my tongue mangled my words and I didn’t understand why my mouth was hurting so much with thoughts I was keeping to myself. “I jus’ saw you there,” I thought again, the tears attempting to strangle me along with the blood, so of course I couldn’t talk, “I jus’ saw you and you asked me what was wrong and you saw my blood and you saw my tears and I—“

I leaned dangerously to the left; my balance was doing its own thing, I guess. “—I pulled your hair,” I made that epiphany deep in the recesses of my mind and I grappled with an idea that was too big for tired, “I pulled your hair and I—oh god I pulled you out, didn’ I, I pulled you out and fucked you up--”

My eyes had wandered off, doing their own thing—slipping off topic and away from the subject because my heart was twisted and my spirit was flipped upside down and nothing in me knew what was happening anymore and my knees were still shaking and so was everything else—but I caught hold of them again and I looked at Leos, watching him back away from me, watching him terrified of—

“…am I losing you?” It came out small, so very small, because you only just barely speak of fear. “Cuz I don’t wanna lose you, Lee.” My eyelids fell low over my eyes; the world was a throbbing shadow except for Lee in front of me


"talk"