the Rift


[JUDGED] '88 Cutlass

Official Posts: 847
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Stallion :: Equine :: ::
Official
#9
By my verdict: THRANDUIL is the winner!
 

ROSKULD

Realism [1]
Post Two: No damage taken from her critical miss. You take damage from Thran’s attack, but not from your own attack that should have hurt you. You did take a lot of damage from Thran's attack for it being a roll of 2—but I think it is because you are rolling your critical miss in with the damage meant to be from Thranduil, which shouldn’t be the case. 

Post Two: “He sailed by my left side, his charge carrying him passed my mutilated body” – Powerplay. Thranduil is not described as attempting to still run past Roskuld, so you cannot say that he did that. In this moment, the only way for him to be passing Ros is actually for Ros to be passing him by moving away. 

Post two:: “but when he slammed into me spikes appeared, fucking spikes lining his collar, teeth and teeth and teeth everywhere,this fool was dripping in them—and one stabbed into my skin” -- This is also slight powerplay. While Thranduil describes what the collar is capable of, and how it works, only he can determine whether or not that happens.

Overall, you made some good mentions of the terrain and used it to both help and hinder Roskuld throughout the fight. However, I would like to see more breed and stat differences--especially at this point where Roskuld has been in her fair share of scuffles. She should know how her strengths and weaknesses are against someone else's. 
 
 
Emotion [2]
I liked Roskuld’s confusion and concern about Thranduil having a lot items. I also really like the way she interacts with her companion—there is a lot of connection through their bond that the reader can see through your words without filling it with dialogue! She is a very diverse character when it comes to emotion, and it is nice to see her transform throughout the fight from anger to panic.

In post two, this is beautiful: "...something base and instinctual gripping me instead of a calculated mindset that I associated with battlerage. I shot that wave of lightning at him, forgetting momentarily that it had been a failed tactic—I just wanted him gone at that point. The anger I had been feeling had started devolving into a panic, a blind fear..."
 
 
Prose [3.5]
Overall, no grammatical errors were made and you stayed true to a unique style of writing that helps a reader connect with your character's personality. I enjoyed reading your posts!
 
 
Readability [1.5]
Post One:  “… being done with this banter and being sick of looking at his smug ass” – This sentence was hard to read, and I had to read it a few times. What made it hard was the “being done” part, as it is a passive voice statement in an active voiced prose.

Post two was much easier to read and comprehend than the first post.
 
Finally tally: 50+(8*2)= 66 HP
 

*******************************************
 
THRANDUIL
Realism [3]

Thranduil has a lot of items, and these items are sometimes hard to write in battle because they are not intrinsically realistic to horse fighting. You were creative in using them, but parts were a little hard to understand. Especially when his items could have helped him! Or hurt him! For example, in post two he has his armor on, but there is no mention of it when he takes damage. How does the armor help or hinder him? 

In post one, Ros rolled a miss. While the attack was a miss, it is still your job to determine how your character evaded it. Why did the lightning not hit Thranduil? Did he move? Simply you write that no damage was taken—but why? In your post, it seemed that you merely brushed this off. 

You made some good use of the terrain to have it impact Thran in this fight, but in the future I would like to see him consider the breed (and stat) differences between him and his opponent.

 
 
 
Emotion [2]
Thranduil's personality really shines through. He is a proud stallion and is offended when Ros strikes at him with lightning--perfect!

“…This was not blood lust though, but something more selfish. It was a breath of fresh air…He was powerful. No longer a passive face to the hells around him but an active force fighting back.” :: I also loved this bit in post two (despite the hard to read part in the middle) because it gave Thran a real purpose to continue this fight outside of the typical emotions we see: anger, bloodlust, etc. and stayed true to him.
 
 
 
 
Prose [3]
Post One:  
:: rawr of war = roar of war
:: and the he quickens = and then he quickens

Post Two: No mechanical errors.
 
 As a whole, be careful to watch your tenses. You have a tendency to slip back and forth between past tense and present tense. Make sure to read carefully over your posts.


Readability [1.5]
Post Two: “It was intoxicating almost for it empowering” – This sentence was hard to interpret, and still I am not quite sure how to correct it--I feel that maybe there is a missing word in there somewhere.


 
Finally tally: 69+(9.5*2)= 88 HP


Messages In This Thread
'88 Cutlass - by Roskuld - 05-11-2015, 01:40 PM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Thranduil - 05-23-2015, 01:17 PM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Roskuld - 05-31-2015, 02:05 AM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Thranduil - 06-02-2015, 11:52 AM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Roskuld - 06-07-2015, 11:07 PM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Thranduil - 06-20-2015, 09:39 PM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Blu - 07-27-2015, 09:05 PM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Blu - 07-27-2015, 09:48 PM
RE: '88 Cutlass - by Official - 09-12-2015, 07:51 PM

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