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09-01-2015, 10:22 PM
By my verdict: TORLEIK is the winner!
TORLEIK
Realism [+3]
Overall very realistic, particularly with your first post where you started strong with the charge attack and mentioned breed and surroundings which seemed to fall to the wayside in later posts. For instance you start of describing the hill and using it as a strategy method but then it’s never really described again. I liked seeing you take some damage from your own ram attack in post 2 with the spine compression! Good mentioned of your bruised back in post 3, although i think given your height and Ashamin’s situation/injury, it would have been unlikely that his hooves even hit your spine. In your closing defense you seem to mention Ashamin’s bite attack but do not describe whether it hit or missed, so it felt ignored.
Overall great realism and good injuries! Keep up the great work and try to incorporate stat/breed differences and surroundings more. I
Emotion [+2]
Emotion steadily increased in each post, being exceptional in the third post. I would have liked to see more of his companion present, even though she wasn’t fighting, particularly given the way this fight went. Overall though I got a good sense of Torleik and his purpose.
Prose [+4]
Great vocabulary and imagery throughout all the posts making each one a pleasure to read.
“Torleik had witnessed lengthy rudders in the past – Resplendence’s long, treacherous backside locks came to mind – but this particular tail trumped all others.”
Readability [+2.5]
Very readable, just some minor errors.
P3:
“...continuing on despite his clearly serious wounds such a need?” (confusing)
Finally tally: 55.5+(11.5*2)= 78.5 HP
ASHAMIN
Realism [-2]
You had good responses to attacks, but your damage was insane in that first post where you rolled a 1 damage (the lowest) and took an injury where Torleik’s horns gouged into your flanks, something which I consider beyond a 6 damage (the highest) because it is just so crippling. Not only that, but ontop of that incorrect damage, I think felt that injury you committed yourself to was not properly inhibiting you the rest of the fight. You mentioned it to be sure, but in the same post where you’re spread, you then also rear which relies on the very place just injured, so that was entirely unrealistic to me. I do like that you feel and were also injured by the surrounding rocks when the horns were ripped out, but you stand up and charge and run in the next two posts - you say you’re slower, that you limp, but it seems so insignificantly mentioned when in reality he would have been dragging himself around.
There were also some confusing moments of realism for me when in your first post you used your tail to grab onto Torleik’s horns. While I can appreciate it’s a long tail, I’m not sure I can stretch the idea that it’s prehensile, nor stroke enough to hold a horse’s horns inside of you longer.
Then in your second post you mention Torleik bit your tail, which was described after Ashamin already fell onto the ground, but Torleik bit at your tail when you used it to hold his horns, so the timing of that attack and injury was very off.
I would have liked to see more consideration given to the surroundings and breed differences. For instance, describing how being on the hill affected things, how Torleik being much taller affected your attack when you aimed for his spine, etc. Otherwise though the flow and timing between your attacks/defenses/injuries worked well and aside from what’s been mentioned your fought realistically. Just keep up the good work and pay attention to the damage that gets rolled!
Emotion [+1]
I really felt the emotion strongest in your third post. I liked the continual references to past things in Ashamin’s life which you were relating to this thread/spar, but you never expanded on them enough for me to understand the way Ashamin was feeling about them, so I often felt like I was just being told what he felt, rather than shown, rather than feeling it alongside him. For instance I’m still confused by how he was so scared he stood to be gored his first post, but then was so tenacious he literally drug his crippled self around to continue to attack Torleik.
Prose [+3.5]
Posts were well written with some great wording and flow.
“He was running, barely growing closer, loping at a speed only the injured could manage to fall into, and he didn't know why, anymore.“
Readability [+2.5]
Overall clear and easy to understand, but some minor errors.
P2:
“His grip on Torleik's tail...” (I think you meant his horns)
“Ashamin was too ignorant to know was simply truth” (reads odd, seems like that second was should be something else)
P3:
“His rough horn scraped across flesh, the left hind of the older, maybe bolder creature, and though he smelled the sting of it, the resistance of the attack and how it tugged his face back was only another pain.” (long awkward sentence which I had to re-read 3 times to understand)
Finally tally: 30.5+(5*2)= 40.5 HP
TORLEIK
Realism [+3]
Overall very realistic, particularly with your first post where you started strong with the charge attack and mentioned breed and surroundings which seemed to fall to the wayside in later posts. For instance you start of describing the hill and using it as a strategy method but then it’s never really described again. I liked seeing you take some damage from your own ram attack in post 2 with the spine compression! Good mentioned of your bruised back in post 3, although i think given your height and Ashamin’s situation/injury, it would have been unlikely that his hooves even hit your spine. In your closing defense you seem to mention Ashamin’s bite attack but do not describe whether it hit or missed, so it felt ignored.
Overall great realism and good injuries! Keep up the great work and try to incorporate stat/breed differences and surroundings more. I
Emotion [+2]
Emotion steadily increased in each post, being exceptional in the third post. I would have liked to see more of his companion present, even though she wasn’t fighting, particularly given the way this fight went. Overall though I got a good sense of Torleik and his purpose.
Prose [+4]
Great vocabulary and imagery throughout all the posts making each one a pleasure to read.
“Torleik had witnessed lengthy rudders in the past – Resplendence’s long, treacherous backside locks came to mind – but this particular tail trumped all others.”
Readability [+2.5]
Very readable, just some minor errors.
P3:
“...continuing on despite his clearly serious wounds such a need?” (confusing)
Finally tally: 55.5+(11.5*2)= 78.5 HP
*******************************************
ASHAMIN
Realism [-2]
You had good responses to attacks, but your damage was insane in that first post where you rolled a 1 damage (the lowest) and took an injury where Torleik’s horns gouged into your flanks, something which I consider beyond a 6 damage (the highest) because it is just so crippling. Not only that, but ontop of that incorrect damage, I think felt that injury you committed yourself to was not properly inhibiting you the rest of the fight. You mentioned it to be sure, but in the same post where you’re spread, you then also rear which relies on the very place just injured, so that was entirely unrealistic to me. I do like that you feel and were also injured by the surrounding rocks when the horns were ripped out, but you stand up and charge and run in the next two posts - you say you’re slower, that you limp, but it seems so insignificantly mentioned when in reality he would have been dragging himself around.
There were also some confusing moments of realism for me when in your first post you used your tail to grab onto Torleik’s horns. While I can appreciate it’s a long tail, I’m not sure I can stretch the idea that it’s prehensile, nor stroke enough to hold a horse’s horns inside of you longer.
Then in your second post you mention Torleik bit your tail, which was described after Ashamin already fell onto the ground, but Torleik bit at your tail when you used it to hold his horns, so the timing of that attack and injury was very off.
I would have liked to see more consideration given to the surroundings and breed differences. For instance, describing how being on the hill affected things, how Torleik being much taller affected your attack when you aimed for his spine, etc. Otherwise though the flow and timing between your attacks/defenses/injuries worked well and aside from what’s been mentioned your fought realistically. Just keep up the good work and pay attention to the damage that gets rolled!
Emotion [+1]
I really felt the emotion strongest in your third post. I liked the continual references to past things in Ashamin’s life which you were relating to this thread/spar, but you never expanded on them enough for me to understand the way Ashamin was feeling about them, so I often felt like I was just being told what he felt, rather than shown, rather than feeling it alongside him. For instance I’m still confused by how he was so scared he stood to be gored his first post, but then was so tenacious he literally drug his crippled self around to continue to attack Torleik.
Prose [+3.5]
Posts were well written with some great wording and flow.
“He was running, barely growing closer, loping at a speed only the injured could manage to fall into, and he didn't know why, anymore.“
Readability [+2.5]
Overall clear and easy to understand, but some minor errors.
P2:
“His grip on Torleik's tail...” (I think you meant his horns)
“Ashamin was too ignorant to know was simply truth” (reads odd, seems like that second was should be something else)
P3:
“His rough horn scraped across flesh, the left hind of the older, maybe bolder creature, and though he smelled the sting of it, the resistance of the attack and how it tugged his face back was only another pain.” (long awkward sentence which I had to re-read 3 times to understand)
Finally tally: 30.5+(5*2)= 40.5 HP
