Standing this close to fire would ultimately get me burned and whether or not I survived the heat was unclear. I only knew that the closer I came, the warmer I felt. It started slow, a choking ember that smoked and crackled, but it soon became an inferno so large I feared it would destroy us all in its flame. It spiraled and grew, a rampant wildfire that refused to be extinguished, and somehow -somehow- I was content to smolder. Standing this close, inhaling the unfamiliar traces of dust and earth and a life so far away, made me faint- breathless. The world had come to expect too much of me as of late… They wanted my loyalty, my promises, and even my flesh should the circumstances require. All of those things felt so cold and formal and routine, but he was different. I felt no pressure to repeat common formalities that ultimately meant little to anyone other than myself. There was no tension and no expectation… we just were and we would forever be exactly what we saw in one another’s eyes.
There was freedom in him… or rather just and image I wanted to remember long after he was gone. I didn’t mind if I burned because of it.
Quietly, I watched as my words coaxed a soft smile from the greyed warrior –for I could only assume as much from the blackened scars he wore- and nearly laughed when he was able to tempt me into smiling in return. “There’s no finer love,” I agreed while studying the retriever who listened with rapt interest. Clearly she was better suited for conversation than play, because she had all but ignored Romul’s attempts to engage her in their earlier antics. This prompted the wolf to pause and question her change of heart and eventually he came to paddle and whine against my shoulder. Since I was not yet comfortable with a forty pound wolf trying to claw his way across my back, I motioned for him to return to shore. I didn’t mistake the look of forlorn rejection in his eyes, but also knew that he often tried to tug on my heart strings when his desires didn’t come to fruition.
Besides, I feared that he would give away the concept of our proximity and more than anything I wanted to remain at the stallion’s side, if only to imagine this was the only universe in existence. Somehow we had managed to create a niche in this world of doubt and sin and, for whatever reason I felt so at ease with the warrior, I knew that I didn’t want to let it go so easily. “If not as a friend, then what? Since I’ve met Romul I knew there was a certain connection between us, but it was a connection that had no words in which to describe it. It just was and now it is. In truth, I feel more than “love” for him –whatever it means- and something else entirely. I’m afraid I just can’t articulate it,” I confessed shyly. Even as a pup, Romul was more than just my first love, he was… so much more. He was the part of my heart that could never be stolen and until the day I died, he would remain there.
As I looked again toward the rushing of the waterfall and the reflections that were sent cascading across the cave walls, I tried to imagine how the warrior saw them. Did he find them to be as enchanting as I did? Why was I so consumed with his opinions? What about him made me question everything- wonder about everything? He was nothing like Ulrik and his logic and coarse personality. Although, the Engineer had endured my frantic raving and somehow learned to see past it… What had happened to him since we’d parted? Why did I care? Even then, as I lost myself to the beauty and tranquility of the caves he was still on my mind… even if his image had begun to fade to grey.
”I have come to think,”
It was something like an electric kiss or a quiet buzzing beneath the skin –his voice- and when he spoke I was compelled to listen. “Romul has and always will be my reason to embrace the future, but he’s also a reminder of who I used to be… back when things were less… complicated,” I concluded with a slight whisper. I hated that he would question the past I spoke of and I hated that there was a possibility that I would answer. But, I only hoped and prayed that it wouldn’t come down to that… Anything but that. “The past is a heavy thing to carry when it is burdened with rocks. Over time only more weight is added… Romul is the only one who knows what it was like when there was no weight, just simplicity. I’ve never wished for an alternative life, but only to remember that there was once a time when he was not forced to carry my burdens with me,” I allowed distractedly while glancing around and finding the wolf himself. “You may be right in retrospect… I wouldn’t want to be the naïve young child I was, but there is certainly something comforting in the thought.” |
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