The longer I stood in her shadow, her warmth still radiating into my skin, the more my blood bubbled with that disgusting sledge that was left after I lied in her face. It didn’t sink away or evaporate or anything—it just sat there hardening into a plaque that started gumming up my arteries and veins, making my chest hurt and my heart pound thickly and my sweat come out cold, a trickle behind my ear she couldn’t quite see. I breathed through it, though; I’ll be honest and say I kinda outdid myself. I didn’t know I could be so cool and calm when my whole everything was fucking up.

I gave a tight grin when she mentioned you—when she worried about leaving you behind. “He’ll be fine,” I said in a quiet voice, “He’s not that much of a baby an’ I don’t feel like waking him up just to move somewhere else.” I wanted you to get as much sleep as you could. I could feel how bone-tired you were after your little altercation and I knew this would be good sleep for you. It’s the kind that makes your ass wider even as you dream, making your bones and muscles stretch and settle in place.

Lookit you, growin’ up ‘n shit.

We kept walking together--and Jiji asked me a question that pulled the noose tighter around my neck. I swallowed and we walked and she stammered and we walked some more and I knew if I told another lie it would kill me on the spot, it would drop me and my blood would rot and she'd be crying over a lifeless, useless hunk failed flesh.

"I tell you everything, Jiji," a voice was saying (everything you need to know), "But you already know that, right? You know how tired you sound right now?" There was a chuckle and a touch on her shoulder, a gentle one with the tip of my nose, and I don't think I've ever felt so miserable.

It didn’t take long to find a place that might suit both me and Ji. It was the side of a sanddune, a bowl-like suppression dug into the side of it. I saw it and immediately my insides burned and I felt sick and pissed because I’d never seen such a huge pile of literal shit in my life. Fuck sand.

It was perfect.

It was soft—it was snuggly—it was almost enough punishment that would keep me from feeling like crawling out of my own skin. Every grain would be like a whiplash getting stuck in the crack of my ass and I welcomed the torment. I welcomed a gritty pit of hell if it meant the lips that let me lie would accidently chew/eat/spit up tiny particles of sand.

“Here, this looks…okay…” I said, going up to the sanddune and settling myself in the depression, leaving just enough room for Jiji to lay down beside me. My nerves jumped and screamed and there was a visceral rejection from me from the way I could feel the sand already creeping into places it will never, ever, ever belong. Take it, something chanted in my head, with a voice that was mine and not at all, take it, you piece of shit, you fucking lump of literal, burnable garbage; take it and let it get all up under your tail and I hope you choke on it in your sleep you awful, misERABLE, DISGUSTING, SNAKE-TONGUED, SHITTY LITTLE—

“You coming?” I asked, looking up at Jiji with a playful smirk.


@[Ranjiri]



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