I was getting sick of this spiral of shit that I couldn’t escape, this fate or whatever that doomed us all to a shitty life. It was happening now—Auntie spewing the thoughts that already turned over and over in my head at night, one of those many things that kept me up at night, alone and ready for something to jump out oat me. At one point I would’ve gotten frustrated and snapped my teeth at the air at all the “fate” flying around us—but my heart didn’t have the energy for it, honestly. It was just this lump in my chest that pounded painfully, throbbing steadily and feeling more like a splinter stuck super deep in my skin instead of a vital organ.

It didn’t help when she mentioned two others that I had failed (and was failing); something in me shriveled up and I stayed quiet cuz I was happy to see her but my eyes drifted off somewhere to gaze at the surface of an almost-frozen pool. I didn’t know how to follow up with that—being compared to her children did a lot of things to me that was too tangled in themselves for me to see properly.

“I…” I kind of stammered, my voice figuring it should leap from my mouth for some reason, “I….yeah.” Which didn’t mean anything, really, and it was kinda rude, I dunno. Someone says “I love you” and you say “Yeah” and suddenly you’re an asshole. “I love you too Auntie,” I said back to her, and I meant it, I swear I did—but there was an air of awkwardness coming over me and I didn’t know how to handle it. I didn’t feel like holding onto a warm body right now (I wasn’t working with that sense of shamelessness I had a lot with Leos) so I…I kind of stood there for a moment wrestling with a thing in my head before I would let it leave my mouth.

“Have you…” I started, the question oozing out of me with agonizing slowness, “Have you…um…talked to Ma recently?” I wasn’t sure exactly what I was asking. I just knew the question had battled my sense of fear and preservation along with my rising sense of curiosity, and the curiosity, for now, won out. I think it had something to do with you (who was now nibbling on Eytan’s face with little skunk teeths, you idiot) because there were questions in  your head you had about the things swimming in my mind, and the questions you had were too good for me to be able to answer.


"talk"