Elsa,

Feel lucky for what you have, when you have it. Happily ever after doesn’t mean happy forever.

Joy.
 
Why did the word seem so terrifying now? She had been listening to Mauja speak; seeing part of herself in his complexion. Yet, when he spoke the word joy, is physically hurt inside. She cringed back into her chest, as if the little shard of it that remained was clawing its way to the surface, wanting to be free of its depressive prison. How could he say it when it felt like a knife to her? She couldn’t decide what was worse, expecting joy and then being let down, or never expecting joy and learn to live with it. Did he truly believe that he could rebuild himself? She yearned to have a sliver of his mind if he was able to do so. All she wanted to do was forget.
 
So why did he care for her story? She was nothing in the eyes of others. Her job was to serve, and to remain, in the best days, unused. Elsa was nothing more than a puppet, and when she was told to pull her own strings; she only ended up getting herself into a bigger tangle than she was before. Who knew what she would say now that the dam was unleashed. Tears pooled at the rims of her eyes, glassing over the one that worked, and staining the grey scar into deeper darkness.
 
How could she even begin to approach this topic? There were so many little things that just piled into one big disaster. In pieces she sounded like a wuss, and in full context she looked like a walking insane asylum. Who knew she’d actually become the Asylum. ”Addictions. Expecting that a constant high will exist, and then having it stripped away… it hurts so fucking bad.” That was Oxy. All wrapped up into one nice sentence that explained the relationship. She relied on him so heavily that he had become a drug, and with him had flown her happiness.
 
Then there was the question of the twins. The girls. The ones that she barely even saw after they were named. Elsa had expected to be the good parent, but she wasn’t around for one single thing. She had let them down, like Oxy had let her down. ”Daughters don’t help either. When you have two at once, you think that you can love them even though you don’t love yourself. Turns out that’s a lot harder than it sounds, trying to meet the needs of the ones you want to give your heart to, while balancing mental sanity behind you…” Her voice trailed off as she shook her head. She had begun rambling again, like she had a reason to explain her failure at motherhood. ”I wanted to be there. And then they had to run. I let them go, I chose to try and keep a home rather than keep my daughters safe.” She glanced at the ground, taking a hesitant step backwards as if that was going to protect her. ”And apparently Oxy had gone through that to try and FUCKING HELP ME!" Her voice had escalated, cracking at the epitome of her pain as her entire body sunk backwards. If it were possible, she would have collapsed into a pile of nothingness in a heartbeat. It was as if screaming that had sent her soul out with it, and she watched it float away into the snow like everything else. ”I’m a walking disaster.” She muttered, glancing up to see how he would react. Mauja, did you really want a mentally unstable military “leader”? He probably didn't even have a single clue as to what she was talking about.




"talk" 
[.... who needs physics when I can write.]