I couldn’t help but feel my heart break into more shattered pieces when he cut mid-sentence. He should care about how blue my blood was. Perhaps if I had been bluer then I would’ve had more respect for things as well as myself rather than to toss them to the side, worn and used. That was the past though, this was the future. The future I was crumbling up like a paper ball that had everything I could’ve ever wanted in the future. The pain intensifying with every crease while he figured out exactly what I had meant.

It wasn’t easy. It sure as hell wasn’t as simple as he made it sound. The first word to leave his lip made me tremble. The large elephant before me whom I was terrified of the sight of in the Threshold, becoming my lover, and in turn becoming the creature that should have been more frightened by me than the other way around. My head hurt, my stomach hurt, but nothing physical could hurt as much as everything he said did. Why did I lie? Because it was easier than explaining the truth at first. He knew nothing about me, nothing at all.

It was then when I realized I had become Caleb.

I had become the creature that I never thought I would. A liar, trickster, deceiver. Lying about who I was, what I did. At least I had the courtesy of telling him my true name. Unlike Caleb had. A slight throbbing pain found its way into my skull and as I stood there, ready to take whatever anger the mammoth before me could release, he spoke. His voice breaking the chill of the air like a knife.  I remembered that day at the beach where he revealed to me the mare that had been his life; his child as well, both found dead. The thought of it pained me more in the realization that it was like I was killing myself in a way to him. Having him learn that I’m a creature of certain ways before taking all those walls I had built about who I was and tearing them down like a rampaging monster.

The monster was me, rampaging and stumbling over myself. I had created this and I needed to destroy it before it hurt more. The idea of that began to make me feel better, even despite the lecturing tone of the heartbroken beast. I wanted to love him, I really did. At this point, I didn’t even think that he could ever love me again. And again, I was stuck in my rut. The last few words of his speech began to frustrate me in a way. Yes I loved him, yes he loved me, but I was Calebs before I was Tembovu’s. Tembovu was the other one in the relationship. And to make it out as though I didn’t love him? Perhaps he could’ve understood that I was telling him because I loved him. I really did. But could he see that? Could he see I was wounding myself in being honest with him?

Fire stung my eyes as I swung my head up sharply. “It’s not that simple.” My voice was sharper, carrying that glaze of frustration I had just felt so abruptly. “I’m telling you because I love you.” I paused, inhaling sharply and turning my gaze away from the statuesque creature, his head away from mine. “The… other one… It was either I learned to love him or I was forced to, Temb. I chose my freedoms. Then, then I met you. My whole world got changed when I met you. Someone I could relate to, someone that frightened me to death. I was scared to open myself to you.” I sighed, lowering my head again to stare upon the blanketing snow.

“You were the other one.” I sighed. “And I loved you so much I couldn’t bear to keep this secret and I’m sorry, but I would have rather you found out from me than any other way.” Yep, that was it. I could feel the sting of tears gliding down my face, trailing the black markings that made them resemble running paint, perhaps a sign that something like this was destined to always happen to me. I could only hope he understood.






Rexanna