ZUNDEN
Realism [0]
You did good to compare the stat/breed differences between Ashamin and Zunden, but it felt just obligatory—there was no explanation to how these differences would help or hinder Zunden in this spar. I would have also liked to see more incorporation of the surroundings and how they affect the fight and the character.

P1: “If he moved out of her reach she would simply rush past before turning back. If she made contact, well that would just depend on if he fell or not.” – Try to shy away from this, because it can mess up the timeline. While it is not unacceptable to predict how your opponent might react, by putting the statements of what your character will do in regards to what an opponent might do can limit the opponent. This can even move towards borderline powerplay if you’re not careful!

In your second post, first paragraph, you get the timeline a little confused. You mention Ashamin’s companion moving away (which he wrote happened before Zunden attacked, which was your prior post), and also Zunden thinks about how she is going to attack him after she has already attacked. Be careful not to go too far backward when posting!

You mention that she bucks, and from what I understand, she wants to hit Ashamin’s mouth. That is not really plausible with the positioning, for he is perpendicular to Zunden and I don’t read that she continues to run forward.

Later, you mention that Zunden limps from taking damage to herself, but after that there is no mention of the pain she feels. In fact, she is able to run at and attack Ashamin without being hindered, which should not be the case if she is limping. A good battle writer incorporates how an injury affects the character, not just how it feels.

P2: “Even if he turned she should still be able to hit some part of his body” – You can write where Zunden is, but not Ashamin! While she is rearing or turning, he could have run clear off, you never know! Use language of intent, not certainty.

Emotion [+0.5]
I really liked reading the first paragraph in your first post, where there is some explanation as to why Zunden will be fighting today and in general. It gave me some deeper understanding as to why a non-warrior ranked character like her would spar.
Later in post one, you say that as she begins the spar she feels a mixture of excitement and anger, but there is no explanation of where the anger came from. I was left confused and yearning for more—and you still had 51 words left over! Post two, in contrast, was rather dry and heavy on action.


Prose [+1]
P1: “the girl charged head lowered” – Either missing a comma or extra words: “with her head…”

P2: “She had to do some damage to him this time, or this spar would defiantly go as she longed for it to” – This is confusing. I am not sure if you meant she “definitely” wanted the spar to go a certain way or not. I am also not sure if the outcome of the spar would be “defiant” of how she wants it to be. Either way, be careful how you word your sentences and make sure you have the correct word where you want it to be.

:: “trying to watch his movements had keep from getting hurt even more.” – “To” instead of “had”.


Readability [+0.5]
Your first post was easy enough to read, but your second post was much harder. The second post not only held more typos, but I had a hard time grasping how Zunden was moving and attacking. I struggled through the second post, having to read it three times completely, to understand it—and even then I was still left a little cloudy in what exactly Zunden’s movements and attacks were.

On a side note, I think you should watch how you structure your posts according to your writing. For example, you bold and put thoughts between ‘’, but you are not consistent with it. While this does not affect your score, it is just a suggestion from me about your coding and how it translates into your post.

Finally tally: 42=(2*2)= 46 HP



ASHAMIN

Realism [+2]
P1: “foreleg and let his hoof hang loose by the hock” – Hocks only exist on horse’s hind legs.

:: “He watched her charge into empty air “ – While Zunden did have a critical miss, be careful how /you/ interpret it—because she can write something completely different.

:: “he brought himself a few quick steps closer to Zunden” – Try to use language of intent, not certainty. “He tried to bring himself…” or something along those lines would be much better!

P2: “It was a wide walk, one settling along her left side” –Again, use language of intent.

Overall, I think you have a good grasp for attacks and the movements of horses. Be careful when you use anatomical language that it is correct. I thought you translated the dice damage well into the damage you took, but I would like to see the damage described better. I understand that Ashamin’s injuries are minimal, but there was no description of the pain he felt, or how they would affect him throughout the rest of the fight. I would have also liked to see better incorporation of stat/breed differences and the surroundings, both of which can play a large part in how spars run.


Emotion [+1.5]
I loved Ashamin’s thoughts in the opening of the first attack post regarding respect, humility, and his role in the herd. It gave some good insight into this character. In his second post, I liked him trying to talk Zunden down, and his thoughts over her pain and injuries. Overall, however, I felt there could have been more expression of emotion inwardly, rather than just stating it. I want to feel Ashamin’s emotions, not just read that he is thinking or having them.


Prose [+2]
P1: “And thankfully, too,” – No need to begin the sentence with “and” when you have “too” later.

:: “But though the Haruspex “ – Drop the “but”. But and though are synonymous. Also try to avoid starting sentences with "but" or "and".

P2: “He, by past her attacks and trying to be positioned at her back” – Bypassed? By passing? I am not really sure what you mean here, but currently it is awkward and reads incorrectly.

:: “by striking the tender crook one of her gaskins” – of one of her gaskins

:: “Ashamin let his black eyes flashing to grab hold of his target” – Flash back/toward/etc. instead of flashing


Readability [+1]
A few of your sentences were hard to read, but especially in post two. I had to reread a few sentences over again (not including the ones with errors) to truly understand what was happening.

P1: “Ashamin let his turn carry him as if his feet were hovering over the ground--felt his heart beating loud and electric in his ears, felt blood flow readily to every tensing muscle.” – This sentence read a bit awkward. I would suggest breaking this up.

Finally tally: 53+(5.5*2)= 64 HP