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09-30-2015, 01:31 PM
Slå mig hårt i ansiktet så får jag känna att jag lever
Was it really that easy? Lump a bunch of strangers together, slap the title of family on it and live happily ever after? It sounded like wishful thinking at best and delusional at worst, because there was no way something like that would actually work. Cathun pressed his lips together and turned the head from Ranjiri to Ampere and back as they barraged him with their thoughts, their views, their fucking feeling, until he felt choked and fed up and backed against a wall.
Why he had fought the wolf? Hell if he knew now! Back then he had been a jumbled mixture of deathwish and defiance, unsure whether he wanted to prove them all wrong or show them how pointless it all was by snuffing it then and there. But he couldn't very well say that, because then they'd lock him up with the healers and never let him leave the island again.
So for once he kept his mouth shut and listened, but what he heard only made him more and more frustrated. Important, brave, kind, family, duty, risks, expectations, it all turned into a swirling vortex that battered him, bruised him, hurt like fucking hell for reasons he couldn't even place and in the face of it all he backed away even further, shaking his head just a little, then more persistently as if they could be swatted away like obnoxious flies.
"I.. just... stop. Just STOP, okay?" He nearly shouted, but managed with immense effort to keep his voice level, despite the mounting desire to scream and kick something.
"Knock it off! All of that, it's just words! You both keep talking and talking but what are you even saying? What is it that you want from me, huh? WHAT? Because I don't have anything, I can't DO anything, and nothing matters because I'll be dead soon anyway!"
Couldn't they fucking SEE that? It was pointless, everything was a complete waste of time and that was the only thing he didn't have.
"Save yourselves the fucking effort and give up, whatever expectations you have.. I won't be able to live up to them anyway."
He felt like running again. Ampere was right about one thing, he didn't seem suited for the battlefield. The urge to turn tail and run was too strong, his own existence too precious yet not precious enough that he could sacrifice anyone else in order to live.
Cathun didn't know where he fit in - maybe his place was on the other side of life, in a different kind of existence.
He didn't know.
@Ampere
@Ranjiri
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