CICERON
Realism [-1.5]
Be careful with accurately describing your opponent, because Shida is only 2 inches shorter than Ciceron, and is defined as stronger than him (per stats) so I wouldn’t peg her as exactly “petite”. As a whole, I would have really liked to see a better description or analyzation of stat/breed differences between Ciceron and Shida. Ciceron is a Champion, an experienced fighter, so I was hoping I would've gotten to see his warrior's mind!

I thought it was very creative to have Ciceron attempt to surprise-attack Shida in his first post. However, horses are loud, especially in this setting. I would have liked some more description of how he was attempting to be stealthy and, maybe, what he was trying to do to make sure he stayed less-detectable. I was even thinking he might have learned the trick from Kiara (because she is a predator), and Ciceron is a prey animal.

I would really love to see some more incorporation of the setting--not just mentioning what it looks like, but how it affects your character in how they respond in their spars.

You have three instances of powerplay that I can see. You have to be really careful in the language you use in spars when dealing with your opponent, because you can only respond to what they have written. In post two, you describe Shida's blood, but it was not written in Shida's post that she was, explicitly, bleeding; so, you cannot write that you saw the blood.

Another instance of powerplay is in this part in post two: “Hooves sunk into the soft dirt easily closing the small gap between the two opponents as once again he lowers his head to place his swords directly into path of the girl and her puppy, if he didn’t hit her with his body there was no way in hell she would avoid getting electrocuted." Shida and Princess could have both moved in this time, and you cannot determine how your opponent will take damage.

The last instance of powerplay I saw was in this part in post three: “Spinning back around he reaches out to snap at the hellhound mid leap hoping to find some flesh before his hooves crash into the earth next to the mare once again throwing war stomp at her before she could manage to get her bearings. “ Again, Shida could have moved, so you can only say you hoped or aimed to land next to her. Be sure to use intentional language, not certain language!

In post two, I think you took too much damage. A roll of 2, Ciceron shouldn’t have fallen over. A roll of 2 is very small damage, falling to the ground is a heavy penalty for that roll that I believe is unrealistic.

You need to describe pain more in your posts and how the damage your character takes affects them throughout the fight. For instance, Ciceron is completely able to run around on an injured shoulder (not to mention he also fell to the ground), but that is not realistic.

In post three, you change the timeline of attacks. Where Ciceron had been locked in an attack toward Shida, you suddenly dropped it to have him go to Kiara's aid, when Kiara's scrap with Princess happened before Ciceron attempted to attack Shida.

In your closing defence, you ignored Shida's explosion completely. Even if it doesn't hit him or affect him, it still needs to be responded to.

Emotion [+1]
There were a few times in this spar were Ciceron was sassy and it was fun to read, but as a whole I was left wanting way more. For Ciceron being such an experienced warrior (IC) I was hoping to see him draw on that a little more and to use it to his advantage emotionally. I did enjoy his final thoughts on Kiara in the battle.


Prose [+1]
You have some good prose, but I would try to add in some more creative language in descriptions!

P2: “about her ass wound, Hardly the mouth for a woman” – lowercase “h” on hardly

“place his swords” – sword (he only has one horn)

“that he didn't accidently electrocute Kiara” – accidentally

P3: “Only good… “ – The only good…


Readability [+1]
While your posts are clearly proofread, there were a great deal of run-on sentences. Try to break sentences up with commas, semicolons, or even creating more than one sentence. Two run-on sentences that were extremely hard to read and grasp were:

P2: “Damn this little smart ass and her tricks guess the only way to ensure this didn’t happen again was to stick close and not let her get anywhere.”

P3: “Fire rains down from the sky fueling a new surge of adrenaline to rip through the stallion’s veins panic sets in causing him to veer sharply towards Kiara to try and shield her from the fire.”

You also had some tense changes throughout your posts, so be sure to stay consistent in that!

Finally tally: 44+(1.5*2)= 47 HP


SHIDA
Realism [+3]
I thought it was creative that you had Shida be distracted by interacting with her companion for Ciceron's first attack to land. I think you do well to incoroporate how the terrain affects Shida in this spar, and I think your responses to Ciceron's magic and attacks are realistic and done creatively. However, when describing the pain and damage Shida takes you fall short. It hurts, I get it, but how does it hinder her? How does it affect not only her motion, but her mood? Her companion's?

I do get a little confused, however, when you mention that Princess tells her to move. I get confused because I don’t understand or see her moving. It’s almost as if you ignored Kiara’s lunge for her while Princess attacks.

Emotion [+2]
Shida is a riot to read. As crazy as she might seem, I really enjoy her introspective moments and her interaction with Princess. I had a presupposition with Shida broken during this spar--that she did not care about Princess at all, which I found out she does!

My favorite emotional moment of this spar was Shida reflecting on how others might perceive her--particularly her father. It was short, yes, but the thought of having Daddy's approval struck me right in the feels.


Prose [+2]
Prose is definitely unique, and hilarious. However, be careful when starting sentences with “and” and “but”.

P1: “and then then ?????????????? bit” – then the

P2: “if you can’t take the heat” dropped period.

“and not any part ofhim poking into me” – of him


Readability [+2.5]
Your posts were easy to read and entertaining. Clearly proofread and well thought out.

Finally tally:31+(9.5*2)= 50 HP