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12-28-2015, 05:38 AM
i am the vanguard of your destruction
It frightened her—the intensity of his grief, the depth of his loss. Or maybe, it was just the suddenness of his voice, the starlit rim of white around his silvered irises, the myriad of shards in his gaze.
But his emotions were like that. Sudden, powerful, wild and feral and raw—but brief, like he didn't know how to sustain them. They burned bright in the darkness, a flare in the night sky, but they went out just as fast. The pinnacle of his outburst was his shout, and with the surge fading his whisper closed the book.
And what was left?
Ice.
The strength of his leftover feelings wasn't enough to break through the cold walls around his heart, so they lingered within, wallowing in confusion; it left him feeling detached, distant, unsure of what had just happened—of what had caused such an upheaval within him, because once the avalanche had settled there was just calm, pristine snow again, and no traces of the debris buried by the mass of snow.
She was hugging him, and he sighed, softly, into the hollow behind her withers. She was strong, physically at least, so he simply left the whole weight of his great head upon her back, idly lipping at strands of long, black hair when they blew too close and otherwise simply mulling over what she had asked. The flow of tears had become a trickle instead. But, did it get better? Did that feeling of your heart shattering (because it was frozen—) ever cease? It grew stronger, hardened, it kept on beating, found ways past the scars and the bruises and somewhere, the conviction to keep beating even when it was answered only by silence, but did it get easier?
"You sort of .. forget," he finally said, dark lips twitching into some sort of subconscious, humorless smile. It was probably a good thing his face was not that easy for her to see. "As time passes your mind finds different things to occupy itself with, and when you forget you've lost them, you forget that it hurts. But..." But when you think of them, it hurts again. When you remember, it hurts again. He swallowed. "I have heard there are those who make their peace with loss, and losing. And I think that does not happen if you do not allow yourself to properly feel and mourn." Because if all it took was time, Mauja would've been past that, right?
But he wasn't. He hadn't made his peace with anything. He had just shoved it all into a jar and slammed the lid on, hoping whatever laid in there wouldn't fester and break out.
"Take the time you need," he murmured into her silver coat. "Duty can be a great distraction at times, but do not force yourself out of some misconceived notion that you have to be able to perform, at all times. Because you don't. You've lost someone who matters to you, you've lost part of your life, and you need to give yourself the space to figure things out again—otherwise you'll just be walking around with this big hole blown through your existence, and you'll come upon it in the dark of night and you won't know what to do with it, so each time you find it you'll break all over again."
Now, if only he could follow his own goddamn advice for once.
[ @Nyx || Sorry for the wait.. I'd be fine with fading this out soon-ish; as you may have noticed I have somewhat of a hard time getting into 'old' threads :( ]
But his emotions were like that. Sudden, powerful, wild and feral and raw—but brief, like he didn't know how to sustain them. They burned bright in the darkness, a flare in the night sky, but they went out just as fast. The pinnacle of his outburst was his shout, and with the surge fading his whisper closed the book.
And what was left?
Ice.
The strength of his leftover feelings wasn't enough to break through the cold walls around his heart, so they lingered within, wallowing in confusion; it left him feeling detached, distant, unsure of what had just happened—of what had caused such an upheaval within him, because once the avalanche had settled there was just calm, pristine snow again, and no traces of the debris buried by the mass of snow.
She was hugging him, and he sighed, softly, into the hollow behind her withers. She was strong, physically at least, so he simply left the whole weight of his great head upon her back, idly lipping at strands of long, black hair when they blew too close and otherwise simply mulling over what she had asked. The flow of tears had become a trickle instead. But, did it get better? Did that feeling of your heart shattering (because it was frozen—) ever cease? It grew stronger, hardened, it kept on beating, found ways past the scars and the bruises and somewhere, the conviction to keep beating even when it was answered only by silence, but did it get easier?
"You sort of .. forget," he finally said, dark lips twitching into some sort of subconscious, humorless smile. It was probably a good thing his face was not that easy for her to see. "As time passes your mind finds different things to occupy itself with, and when you forget you've lost them, you forget that it hurts. But..." But when you think of them, it hurts again. When you remember, it hurts again. He swallowed. "I have heard there are those who make their peace with loss, and losing. And I think that does not happen if you do not allow yourself to properly feel and mourn." Because if all it took was time, Mauja would've been past that, right?
But he wasn't. He hadn't made his peace with anything. He had just shoved it all into a jar and slammed the lid on, hoping whatever laid in there wouldn't fester and break out.
"Take the time you need," he murmured into her silver coat. "Duty can be a great distraction at times, but do not force yourself out of some misconceived notion that you have to be able to perform, at all times. Because you don't. You've lost someone who matters to you, you've lost part of your life, and you need to give yourself the space to figure things out again—otherwise you'll just be walking around with this big hole blown through your existence, and you'll come upon it in the dark of night and you won't know what to do with it, so each time you find it you'll break all over again."
Now, if only he could follow his own goddamn advice for once.
[ @Nyx || Sorry for the wait.. I'd be fine with fading this out soon-ish; as you may have noticed I have somewhat of a hard time getting into 'old' threads :( ]
