DREAMING OF _R E V E L R Y bronzehalo.deviantart.com |
You're off to a really great start! You had some great tactics, like utilizing the sun which is good way to incorporate the terrain and make the scene feel more real - too often fighters never describe, much less use, the settings and so it just seems like they're fighting in this void of nothing, but scenery plays a huge role on how certain attacks succeed or fail. You also gave some mention tot heir stat differences which is very helpful too :D the judges do count a difference between a mention and a use though, so just saying "Nephele is stronger than Ampere" is a mention, but saying "Nephele is stronger than Ampere, which is why she chose to wait until the mare was close enough to kick out" is a use, because you're saying their stat difference is this, but it helps/hinders because of this.
For your attacks, it was very uncharacteristic for a horse, much less a fighter, to just stand there as they knew their opponent was running right at them. You knew that Ampere didn't have an attack coming there, but Nephele couldn't have known, and just instinct alone should have made her want to protect herself in some way, whether by moving away or retaliating defensively, but instead you just stood there (unable to see no less!). Now realism is a funny thing here because so much of what our horses do is already unrealistic, but there's certain natural laws we always want to take into consideration - like the instinct of any living thing to try and avoid pain and preserve its life. What you can do to help justify what would normally be unrealistic, is to explain why it's realistic, because each character is different. Maybe if Nephele was setting up her own trap for Ampere would explain why she stood still, or maybe if she said she really doubted Ampere could do much damage it'd make emotional sense why Nephele stood still, unfazed by the direct charge, but as it was you just said she stood there and was herself shocked to not be attacked, so this just read as unlikely to me. I did however like how that realization seemed to anger Nephele and drew a wounded sort of pride from her which was a great way to display emotion. I always try to figure out how my character feels about a certain attack/defense/strategy and then why they feel that way. So seeing Nephele grow from confused, to angry/hurt, to then realizing this was a test when she saw Ampere's smile was really really good!
You also do a great job of explaining everything Nephele does. Sometimes in a fight it's so easy for you to visualize what your character is doing that you assume it's easy for everyone else too, but it's important to take the time to expand on what you're doing because that's what helps make it realistic. So when you explained in several sentences Nephele getting airborne, and how she had to run and struggle to do it, I really liked that.
You had a good defense as well, avoiding the sensitive area of Nephele's head and instead taking it to her well muscled neck, which is within close proximity so a reasonable place to redirect the damage. When taking injuries it's always best to avoid injuring critical areas like your face, your joints, your senses etc. because any injure you take you really need to remember and have it affect your character the whole fight, so when you get injured somewhere very valuable, that realistically limits your character's options for future attacks/evasions. Of course, you can't just redirect damage to somewhere safe if it doesn't make sense, but usually you can figure out a way to describe how the aim switched to somewhere more forgiving, because with fights even a slight change in your body can alter aim.
On the topic of injury though, you could do with explaining it a bit more, especially on how it will affect Nephele. you had her take Ampere's kick to her neck, which was good, but you don't really describe bruising or muscle stiffness, you just say it hurts and it bleeds, but hooves are not really sharp, they're mostly blunt bashing instruments that cause deeper tissue damage like bruising or bone problems (not advised to fracture or break bones, just saying hooves can). If they did manage to snag and tear skin, it would be very very minimal - teeth could do a bit more bloody damage, but are also rather blunt and not ripping like predatory animal's nails and teeth. So I didn't really find that injury realistic for the attack that Nephele took. I assume because I rolled a 5 damage you were trying to up the gore to fit that damage, but remember you can dole out damage from more than one source, so you could have just said Ampere's kick strained and bruised Nephele's neck, but her quick evasion also pulled a muscle elsewhere etc. Taking multiple bruises can be just as justifiable for a 5 as one bloody spot, especially if that bloody spot isn't realistic.
Again though you have already a great eye for tying in those extra details that make the fight more real, like surrounding and stat differences. your writing was very good, just a few typos or lacking command and such that I saw that I always struggle with too, even when I proof read @.@ You have a good eye for attacks, defenses, and injury, just consider more closely what would actually be realistic - sometimes studying real horses fighting can help with that! keep at it though you'll be a kick ass fighter in no time :D
p.s. sorry I talk a lot when I teach.