the Rift


Splashing around in the muck and the mire

Einarr Posts: 113
Absent Abyss atk: 5 | def: 9.5 | dam: 6
Stallion :: Pegasus :: 17.2 hh :: 8 years HP: 67 | Buff: NOVICE
Time
#3
Stand on my feet
Dance the warrior, the warrior

EINARR

This battle would surely be an exercise in growth for Einarr. He had never battled in such cold, snowy conditions. He knew snow could be different wherever it was, and it also depended on the temperature of the world around it. He knew snow could be slippery, powdery, hard, or many a number of other things. The stallion lowered his head briefly, sniffing at the cold, white substance before snorting. Why in the hell did he choose this as the battleground? Exhaling, Einarr quieted his mind some, mulling over the details he imagined to happen. He imagined the stallion he met, so meek and so scared, in this frozen land many seasons before today. He imagined Ashamin showing up, deer-like and ready. He imagined Ashamin at the fight of the Crocodile and Tiger gods, moving with ferocity and passion. Had the stallion really changed so much in their time apart? A small hmm of thought drifted from Einarr's lips into the howling wind, the flicker of wonder and pride could not help but set his chest on fire. If his words, his commands, had put so much desire to change within the boy Einarr would have no fear in calling Ashamin his comrade, his equal. Though whether or not the boy could best--or even match--him in battle would be seen here today. The bloodrider doubted that only a few seasons of training could outweigh a lifetime, but there was enough room to surprise this hardened stallion in Helovia.

Curving his body and turning, Einarr lifted his head. Ashamin's quickly-moving body was advancing toward him, a flicker of black and white. Snorting, the black stallion thrust his wings open and into the air, beating hard against the howling wind as he pushed off the snowy ground into a rear. Ashamin's speed matched Einarr's, it seemed, as the bloodrider lifted himself just off the ground enough to avoid the battering ram of the paint's shoulder against his own. However, Ashamin still managed to make contact with Einarr's body, and the stallion was pushed roughly to the left. A bruise formed beneath his dark skin on the right side of his body, just behind his shoulder. Thankfully it was not on his shoulder, for the pain of the bruise would surely hinder the use of his massive wings had it landed as such. Gritting his teeth, Einarr pushed hard with his wings to steady himself. Hind hooves dug into the snow as he kept his rear, head high above the painted buck's. Red-brown eyes narrowed and the pride in his chest turned to ash as Ashamin's teeth lurched for his blackened wing. Anger roared in his chest, an unbridled, instinctual emotion blooming from the deeply-bred desire to protect his wings at all costs. A pegasus without the ability of flying was not a pegasus at all! He knew how much losing the appendages meant, how much it hurt the pride and reputation of a pegasus. The others in the Dragon's Throat looked down on Laedere because her wings were useless, and as a warrior of the desert, Einarr could not face that fate. Quickly, Einarr moved his legs upwards, though it was not enough to save him from the paint's attack. Ashamin's blunt teeth scraped across Einarr's right cannon. Fur and skin scraped away to reveal a line of blood, and the bloodrider took in a sharp breath. There was very little muscle on the lower part of his leg to help dull the brunt of the attack, and so it stung like hell.

Snorting hard, Einarr swung his forehooves down wildly toward Ashamin's head. While the stallion normally might not usually use such harsh tactics in a spar of this manner, the attack to his wing was nearly unforgivable. Did Ashamin not understand what hurting Einarr's wings could mean!? Whether or not Ashamin truly knew the consequences of his intended actions was of little regard to Einarr. The part of him that burned so primally overpowered his more civil side in the wake of his disintegrated pride for the buck. Some more refined than he could argue that his civilized side did not exist at all, that he was merely a primal being no matter what the situation was. In his heart, Einarr knew that was not true of his being, but how could he show that when the switch from civil to primal was so easily flipped in his brain?

The black's back legs pushed off the snowy ground hard as his wings moved in a massive downstroke, bringing. They beat hard against the howling wind, and Einarr kicked his right hindhoof down in an attempt to hit Ashamin's crest as he took to the sky.




[PC: 1/3 | WC: 785 | FOR JUDGE: The restrictions/enchantments for Ashamin's bear mask were not in the records when we started this spar, and Jen and I agreed to not have them in use.]




TEACHING NOTES
Firstly, and you KNOW I had to say it (;D), word count--USE IT! We've talked about this just between us, but I firmly believe you should do your best to aim close to 800 words. There is so much room for emotion, tactics, thoughts and actions in 800 words it's crazy. You could have used your extra word amount to describe the differences in Einarr and Ashamin and how that would affect this fight, or had Ashamin reflect on previous battles that would give him purpose for attacking the way he did, or something along those lines.

Man, I really think you packed it in with this post regarding emotion. I like Ashamin's motivations to come in so hot, and his thoughts on the gods fights. It really sets the tone for how I predict Ashamin is going to feel throughout this fight. It is clear, to me, that he feels he has sometime to prove to Einarr--and I can see that without knowing their history. Good job!

Okay, here is where I think you need to really think and balance creativity with realism. In regards to your mask and sarong, there can be a fine line I see. How does this affect him? Can he see well enough, or is his vision slightly obscured? The wind is blowing hard, so it might cause his sarong to react in a certain way. These are all questions you can ask yourself when writing. The thing about having items is that they are both beautiful and dangerous, beneficial and harmful. I think it's really creative and well-thought out when the items don't completely make a character better--because they're not designed to! These are horses, not meant for items such as these. How can you effectively, realistically, and also creatively integrate these objects into your writing is the fun (but hard!) challenge! Another note on realism, is try to use anatomical language in reference to what you're attacking. I'm not sure what the "elbow" of a wing is.

I do think your post was beautifully written, and the prose was really unique. However, as far as readability goes, it was slightly difficult with the onomatopoeia breaking up the sentence in such a way that it did at the end. Sometimes, however, I think it is ok to make those stylistic choices--such as in this case--just be careful to make sure it can be easily understood.

@Ashamin


Messages In This Thread
RE: Splashing around in the muck and the mire - by Einarr - 11-08-2015, 06:25 PM

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