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11-26-2015, 03:46 PM
EREBOS
It’d been an absolute disaster, and the boy knew it. He could feel the shame, the embarrassment, the tenacity burrowing down in his heart and pumping through his chest, cutting away at his skull, seething and staining any remnant of hope. Another miss in the storm, barreling through darkness instead of the monstrous figure, had made quick work of his motivations and pursuits: the child knew when he’d been beaten. He just didn’t know how to take it. With anger? With fury? And what was the other going to do when he realized it? Kill him? The harsh, discordant din of movement and motion rumbled again, and while he tried to dodge to the left, away from flailing hooves, the attack still managed to land a fiendish blow, rolling down his right barrel in a bruising, agonizing contortion, joining all the other aches, pains, and miseries. Even Orsino, desperate to help his bonded, had failed in his mission, kicked away from the eerie-eyed deer and landing on his side, not terribly hurt, but irritated, exasperated all the same. Enough! the other bellowed, and frankly, Erebos had to agree. It had been enough. He wanted to do nothing more than hang his head, tend to his wounds, and reflect on how much power, on how much strength, he truly had. This battle only made it all the more clear that he had a long way to go before he could ever be hailed as powerful. But just when he thought it was finished, mostly because the opponent said so and his body ached so mindlessly that he was ready to adhere to anyone’s command, the harsh, unrelenting, piercing slate of ivories, of fangs, clenched down upon his neck. Whether from fear, from pain, from the pure, brutal torment, the boy screamed. He launched forward as best he could, breaking away from the onslaught, feeling his muscles twitch from the barbarity, feeling the blood pool down his neck and joining the rest of his shattered, savaged frame, and trying desperately not to break down in front of his enemy. He wanted to sob. He wanted to cry. He wanted to be left alone to pout, suffer, and conjure further plans – but the sound of something falling apart made him shift his head. The monster’s strange skull had fallen away. Beyond the hollowed pits, beyond the ivory bone, he’d been one more mortal figure – he hadn’t even been bested by an actual demon. Instead, as the lightning flickered over his painted frame, his small companion, the boy was horrified to realize he knew just who the beast was. The Basin’s own Haruspex. Amidst all the pain, all the misery, the boy’s jaw still dropped, stunned and horrified by what he’d done – and only one word reverberated through his mouth. “Ashamin?!” [3/3 + 1/1 defense. Erebos attempts to dodge to the left to avoid getting hit directly on his spine; instead the kick hits the right side of his barrel. Orsino is pushed off his feet by Lochan. At Ashamin’s bite, Erebos feels the jaws clench down upon his crest, and tries to launch forward to get out of Ashamin’s grasp – it’s a nasty wound, and begins bleeding. Final Injury Report: Left shoulder bleeding, right shoulder and barrel very bruised, scraped up, right hind singed, neck bleeding/bruised. Just assume everything is bleeding. XD Congratulations on the win, Jen! This was a lot of fun and really helped to explore some depth to Erebos’ character. ;D] |
@Ashamin
Notes:
What Went Well:
* Emotion – I thought you handled it very well this time. You could tell that Ashamin was proud, content, and satisfied by how the battle turned out.
I really liked this part: He hadn't realized how heavy and painfully his heart had been beating, but now it overtook him. It was a dangerous thud, a repetition of fight for your life, a haunted rhythm that he could not longer ignore. Surely it had been fear and adrenaline that had cast it from him before, but now that he had declared this final strike he felt reality rushing back. - because you’re showing rather than just telling. You’re showing he was frightened, you’re showing that in all the aftermath, he really had been terrified. NICE.
* Setting – Still utilizing this well. I think it helped that you picked such an epic surrounding to use~.
To Work On:
* Attacks: I still felt like it was a bit too much, but again, that’s down to personal preference. I’m a big fan of 1-2 attacks, and not launching three or more so that it doesn’t affect timing, or become too overwhelming for either writer (and trust me, you don’t want to waste your word count on three or more attacks; you’ve got to incorporate so many other things).
* Directions: I picked my own, mostly because I figured they hadn’t changed much as far as moving around, BUT please still remember to include these. It makes everyone’s life that much easier.
All in all, I thought you did a fabulous job, and I can tell you were improving with each post. Keep nailing those emotions in your battles, fine-tune the attacks and directions, and you will be SET, madam. Wunderbar!
