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11-08-2015, 12:43 AM
i gave up on myself a long time ago
i'm a mess of worry and dread, letting it all wrap up into one complete package (might as well slap a bow on me for good measure). i tremble at the idea of seeing and interacting with anyone, my stomach plummets into the fiery depths of hell each time i pass someone. somewhere in my mind something ticks, and immediately i hear Them hissing into my ear, whispering about my demise. somewhere else i swear that She's telling me They aren't correct, but They're always much louder that She is. Oh silly girl, don't you know that they want you dead? They'll whisper to me as i pass a foreign equine. instinctively i'll turn my focus onto the passing stranger, gluing my eyes to them in fear they're plotting against me. sameira told me i looked mad like that, wandering about with eyes bigger than full moons and my body rattling more than an earth quake. i suppose in some ways i am mad, with the shadowy figures that dance in my peripheral, the black outs that occur after major mental breakdowns, the constant whispers that fill my head with paranoid thoughts and ideas.
some days when i'm tucked away in some random crevice, wedged within a space upon a cliff side or a cavern underground, sameira draws me back to reality. you're doing it again, she'll grumble in a generally monotone voice, an unamused expression painted on her face as she watches me gnaw at my forelegs. again and again i sink my teeth into my skin out of nervous habit, rubbing and itching at imaginary irritations until there's blood plastered to my lips. scar tissue flowers along my body in various places, showing my recklessness. by now i can state how long ago my last break down was, because there's always scabs along my legs from my chewing habit.
it's especially terrible right now, my forelegs are gushing blood and i feel that i've bitten too deep this time. something tells me i should be panicking, but the numbness of everything tones down that worry. sameira's decided to ignore my gentle prods, telling me to find someone else to bother because she's "busy." she refuses to travel so far to find me, so i get myself up with Their help. They wait, taunting me at the entrance of the cave, their quiet voice carrying its venomous words across the cavern to my ears. I force myself up, legs unsteady as I crawl out of a cave, letting it spit me out as i stand at its entrance and look out at the world with disgust clawing at my gut. after two steps i falter and stumble forward, almost nose diving into a thick layer of ice. a chuckle sends chills down my spine as i gather myself, unused legs buckling beneath me as i slip along the icy surface.
it takes me a long while before i'm finally able to lift off the ground, spreading my wings to the arctic clouds above the steppe. i'm barely ten strides away from my take off point when sameira enters my head, spreading her voice throughout it. i see sikeax. without further ado she sends me a mental reel of her location, sending me into a spiral of panic. my panic sends me rocketing across the sky in desperation, stomach churning in all of its empty glory as i see a champagne speck in the distance. the golden freckle along the horizon gives me a spark of hope as i plummet towards the ground, bracing myself for a terribly disastrous impact. my landing is rough and sloppy as i tumble over and over, wings tucked against my body as i roll through ice and snow. getting up is difficult, my weak figure threatening collapse as i bolt forward to continue my journey.
my neglected throat lets me down as i try to yell for sia's attention, tripping along like a newborn learning to walk as i near her. why she thought it was a good idea to gaze longingly into the eyes of death like this i do not know, but whatever the reason i'd make sure she didn't fall into those lovely blue eyes that gave false hopes. i tried to slow myself, tiptoeing the last few steps to her side. i sweep my neck down to press a gentle touch to her crown, throat knotted up as i keep my lips firmly sealed.
@Sikeax
