KI’IRHA
Realism [+0.5]
You write your attacks and defenses very well, explaining them thoroughly and realistically, but you seem to struggle with taking proper injury. For instance in your second post where you should have taken a 5 damage roll, which you translated into Ashamin’s buck hitting your shoulder, you seem to brush it off with no real mention of injury aside from that it hurts, and continue to run and even ram at him again. Then in your third post where you got a 3 damage roll, you take ashamin’s buck to your side, get the wind knocked out of you, and possibly even have a bruised rib. I agree that taking a kick to the side is more damaging than to the shoulder, but comparing the damage rolls for both scenarios that aspect isn’t realistic, she should have taken greater damage in post two and less damage in post three. Just keep in mind the damage rolled when determining injury and be sure to describe your injuries clearly and ideally have them affect your character the duration of the fight.

Your third post had some other trouble areas. You mention Ashamin’s kick as being a cow kick, but his text never specifies it this way, and a buck and a cowkick are different enough to be a big deal. You also don’t seem to mention him using his heartbeat magic on your at all - I know it’s not really an attack-based magic, but I would have expected some response to that since he is utilizing it in the fight.

I did enjoy you using your warrior’s rank magic of war stomp, great tactic! I also appreciated the mentions you made of their height differences, but if you could include more pros and cons of their different stats, it would bring in more realism. Additionally mentioning the surroundings a bit more would also help make this fight seem more real, especially to actually use them in some way with the fight.


Emotion [+2.5]
Fantastic emotion all throughout the fight. I constantly knew what her feelings were and why she was acting the way she was. Excellent!

“He had no sword to combat her with, which left her careless to his brow.”


Prose [+3.5]
All of your posts were a joy to read, full of imagery and vocabulary. You had nice flowing transitions and really set mood with your wording.


Readability [+2.5]
Overall very readable with few grammar issues or typos, just watch how often you start sentences with “and” and “but” because that’s not proper.

P1:
“...before him. Nothing else....” (comma not a period)
“...in a elegant bow…” (an)


Finally tally: 40.5+(9*2)= 58.5 HP


ASHAMIN
Realism [+3]
I definitely noticed and thought you used well the mentions of stat differences and some surroundings. Such as how you tied in Ashamin’s endurance in nearly every post, but especially your third one, and how you strategically avoided the trees where his speed wouldn’t be as strong. You also had well explained attacks and defenses all throughout the fight, and I thought you handled your damage well and included it somewhat throughout the fight.

I did think that you took a bit too much in your second post, given it was a damage roll of 3 and just a bite to his tail, to make it drag the rest of the fight. Normally when a body part is incapacitated due to injury that’s more in the 6 or 5 range of damage rolls. That you had his hind quarters knocked out from under him also seemed a touch much for a 3 - I know she has greater strength than him, but only barely, and height wise he’s taller. However I didn’t really mark you off for it, especially with the war stomp unbalancing him, and because you didn’t say his haunches were heavily injured the rest of the fight so I think it worked out.

Be careful of minor power play such as occurred in the following:
“The haruspex listened as he stood looking North and past her, slightly on her left side. He listened as he attempted to recover the speed he had lost and run past her left, as he bucked haphazardly at her left hindquarters and let his injured tail cast sparks across the earth as--compromised at the base--it dragged awkwardly in his wake.”

It’s just the way you worded this, first of all made it seem like the heart beat magic he just attempted was for sure working, and second of all that she was in a set position - it’s up to her to decide if he’s on her left side or not, you can only make attempts to be on that side.

Otherwise very well written battle!


Emotion [+2.5]
Really strong and constant emotion all throughout this fight, it was a lot of fun to red. I enjoyed how you tied in past fights to Ashamin’s current experience!


Prose [+3.5]
Really lovely writing with a lot of different vocabulary and well set tones and mood. I loved your imagery and how well it flowed.


Readability [+2.5]
Very readable with few grammar issues or typos, just a couple minor ones.

P1:
“...was focused star-studded mare.” (missing words)
“...rear was unnecessary warning…” (+an)

P2:
“...only watch and fell as his…” (fall)


Finally tally: 42.5+(11.5*2)= 65.5 HP