No matter the volatile nature of their meeting, Kaj cared for Brisa. He did. He would not have been so frantic in his efforts to save her, if he did not. He would have done the same for any other herd member, but he recalled her easy, quiet friendship. That did not simply disappear - though everything else had, he despaired as he watched her wince and cringe beneath the pain of her head wound. There was no magic within Kaj's abilities to take that away from her, but he - and Other Kaj especially - both seemed to have the miraculous knack of bringing more pain to others rather than leeching it away. He hated it, just as he hated that she made this such an issue. He could objectively understand her pain, but the emotions alongside it were dull, his empathy crippled by the removal of the deeply emotional, intimate experiences that had scarred and weakened him. For while he had become stronger of mind and spirit, something had to suffer equally, it seemed. Not everything could be so easy. 

This, especially. 

Kaj frowned deeply, not seeing how she could not comprehend that he and Other Kaj were different. "But I'm not the one who made the call, I'm not the one who initiated the stupidity then," he tried to plead his case, not sure what else he could say to make her understand. Much less what he needed to say in order to ease her from this suffering that he had caused her. It made him feel weary and wounded, though Kaj knew she was more so in this position. It rankled more than any insult she could throw at him. He could not provide for her like a Czar should, she was suffering because of him, and he had no way to stop it. It was torturous, especially because he remembered how fondly he regarded her. He could see now how, previously, that could have easily turned into love. But now he just needed the time for that to happen again, because those experiences had not happened for him. 

Did he want them to?

Pale eyes narrowed in exasperation. "I told you, it wasn't me who decided to cut you out!" He didn't want to grow frustrated with her but he was. He wished there was a way to direct her words to Other Kaj, bypass this matter entirely because it wasn't his fault. But for all her sorrow, her harshest words cut through at the end, for their truth was undeniable. Kaj, who had kept a rather dominant pose this whole time, seemed to crumple before it. His eyes dropped almost instantaneously to the earth, deflating slowly. 

A ghost.

"I know. Brisa, I know. I am not the stallion you know, or...well, knew. And I am not the one you fell in love with. And I will meet far more others like you who will say the same words. All I can do is try to be myself, even if that's not the Kaj that you all adored." Could she not see that asking Miykael to unblock the memories was akin to suicide? He would not be himself anymore. How had Other Kaj managed to stare that kind of fate in the face, unflinching? Knowing he would essentially be erased from existence, replaced by Kaj as he was now? Perhaps he had underestimated his counterpart's strength this whole time.