CICERON
Realism [-1]
Your realism is good in the attack and defense areas, but you seem to struggle with forms of powerplay, mainly dealing with the timing of events and failure to react to all of your opponent’s attacks. For instance, even in your first post you say that you circle Volterra, but you should write it as if you attempt to circle Volterra. In your second and third post you go on to change the timeline of Volterra’s attacks. In post 2 the dragon is attacking Kiara first, if not in fact simultaneous to when Volterra attacks Ciceron, yet you have Kiara warn Ciceron of Volterra’s attack to help him dodge it, and then have Ciceron warn Kiara and help her dodge the dragon and have Ciceron run over to bite at the dragon. When you mention Volterra’s attack you also only mention the earth mound, not Volterra’s physical ram, and similarly with Kiara you only mention the dragon’s frost, not its claw attack - just because you roll a miss doesn’t mean you can discount attacks which are written, you need to mention how and why they miss.

Similarly in your third post you have Volterra’s buck occurring before the dragon ices the sand, but the dragon is written as icing the sand before/during the buck. You also fail to mention the dragon’s tail attack at Kiara.

There were a few cases as well where your explanation didn’t fully make sense to me. You try to tie in the pools of water in the sand in your second post to help your electrical attack, but I don’t understand how the sandy water would help you. If you meant the water would help conduct the electricity then you need to say that. In post 3 I’m also confused about how Ciceron jumps over the iced sand, but cracks part of it (without slipping). Considering he already crow-hopped to the side to avoid the buck, that could have easily been enough to also avoid the ice, or just have him slip on the ice but not have it hurt him; the confusing and complex jump but hit on the ice was harder to understand and less likely. In your last post I’m also confused about how he was hit in the shoulder when Volterra aimed at his head, especially since you said Volterra’ earth magic worked, which was a large portion of earth moved (written as a plateau) not a molehill as you call it. Because the earth worked it should have unbalanced Ciceron forward as Volterra wrote it - if that’s not how it happened you needed to say as much, but instead you just say Ciceron is unbalanced/trips over the earth and is then hit in the shoulder which doesn’t explain anything. I did enjoy your tail being frozen though! Even though the dragon’s attack came right after Volterra’s, if not possibly at the same time, that he was moving around because of Volterra’s attack made sense that the dragon’s frost didn’t fully hit him.

There were times you mentioned breed and surroundings, but I’d love to see it play a larger role in your writing to help give substance to your location and opponent. I thought that other than what was mentioned, you took good injury and had plausible attacks and defenses. You worked well with your companion.


Emotion [+0]
Overall I felt your emotion very lacking in each post, though it did seem best in your second post. There were attempts at humor here and there, but mostly in the way you wrote something as the narrator, not in Ciceron’s actions or real thoughts. I also never fully understood his reaction to Volterra and the dragon during the fight, or to Ciceron’s continued evasive luck. There was some brief mentions of feeling, but always told and never shown, so it felt very dry and activity heavy which left me disconnected from Ciceron and Kiara as characters.


Prose [+1.5]
Your posts had some good flow throughout them, but I felt the lacked good description and imagery that could draw me into the scenery and the movement of the fight. Most of your vocabulary was very layman’s terms and there was mostly factual information versus sections that let me imagine the post and its characters. Spice up your wording a bit with some metaphors/similes and descriptive language!


Readability [+1]
Your posts were frequently confusing due in part to all the grammar issues and typos, but also because you so frequently used “him” and “he” and “his” which makes it difficult to distinguish when both fighters are male. Please don’t be afraid to use names! You also had some tense changes here and there, particularly in your second post. Take the time to proofread and even read your posts aloud to make sure they’re clear and correct.

P1:
“...he nods politely grateful…” (comma after politely)
“...the outcome, to improve…” (period or semi-colon not comma)
“...circled around his opponent’s studying…” (no apostrophe)
“...keep Vérzés interest…” (Vérzés’)

P2:
“...successful strike as his hooves touch back…” (run on sentence)
“...back to the presence…” (present)
“..was to sly.” (too)
“While he loved the…” (this sentence didn’t make sense)
“...he was remember…” (would?)
“...ears great the…” (greet)
“...he stand lose?” (+to)
“... towards the brutes right…” (brute’s)

P3:
“Cow hopping sideways…” (crow-hopping)
“...luck of due…” (or)
“...ignored majority …” (+the)
“...his feet where…” (were)
“...slid in a tighter…” (slide)
“...begun to later his coat…” (lather)


Finally tally: 57+(1.5*2)= 60 HP


VOLTERRA
Realism [+2]
Your realism does very well and it’s clear you have a good handle on how to attack and defend. What I struggled with was that you only took a bruise in your first post when the damage roll was for a 5, meaning the injury should have been a lot more extensive. You also used that injured leg essentially immediately after taking the hit which didn’t seem realistic. I did appreciate how you mention your injury affecting you during the fight, particularly in your second post.

Your second post was extremely well written from a realism standpoint - you did exceptionally well with including breed and scenery mentions as well as incorporating injury. Your third post however seemed rather lacking - it felt a bit rushed which was probably what caused the lack of explanation about how Volterra sustained his cut chest. You mention the war stomp distracts him causing him to take the injury, but you essentially write he just stands there so I don’t understand how Ciceron didn’t collide with him and fully impale him. The injury description also falls short and seems to have no effect on Volterra directly after as he rears. Unfortunately this post drug your realism score down quite a bit, so do be sure to follow through the whole of the fight!

Otherwise keep up the great work, it’s all there, just stay consistent.


Emotion [+2]
I felt very connected to Volterra throughout the entire fight, and was especially drawn in by his continued anger over the missed attacks - your second post was especially nice for the feelings! I always felt I clearly understood his motivation, not just for fighting but for each attack and defense strategy as well.


Prose [+3.5]
You had beautiful pose all throughout the fight which made you posts a joy to read. You used imagery and flow very well and had a nice assortment of vocabulary.


Readability [+3]
Very readable and well proof read with clear grammar and sentence structure adherence.


Finally tally: 37.5+(10.5*2)= 58.5 HP