ELSA
Realism [+3]
This was a VERY good spar. You did a good job in the comparison of breed differences and how it would affect Elsa. I thought all of your attacks, defenses, and damage taken were realistic and plausible. Not only that, but there was reason behind the attacks and emotion to back them up (mentioned in the emotion section) which really helped me as a reader.

In the first post, however I got a little confused with her attacks. Writing that her goal was to bite him is much different than writing her actually attempting to. The only attack I thought she actually attempted was her kick. Make sure to be very clear in your language so the judge has no confusion.

In your closing defense you have an instance of powerplay: “As she ran past his body she came to a sliding halt a few meters behind him”. You cannot write that Tembovu stays still and she runs past him, only that she attempts to.


Emotion [+2.5]
I was very impressed with Elsa’s emotional state in this spar. I think this area is where a lot of writers struggle with spars. You, however, knocked it out of the park with emotion. I understood all of the shifts in Elsa’s emotions and mental state because you were able to give me historical and credible backup for it. I especially loved Elsa’s wrestling with her own self-worth throughout the spar.

Some parts I really enjoyed:

“Who wants a queen who can barely step up to her king? Was this why the Falls had been beaten so badly- because she can’t stand alone? No wonder her children hated her.”

“If he wanted to bite her, he’d have to choke on her.”

“Elsa knew he wouldn’t kill her. Killing would only show compassion, the true punishment was living long enough to watch herself wither away. The only thing that would remain of her would be a whisper. She would not die a queen, she would die a prisoner in her own head.”


Prose [+2.5]
You have a good style that is easy to understand, while also being creative and well-written. There were a few times throughout your posts where you changed tenses and only two grammar/spelling errors I found.
P1: “giant stripe boy was waiting” -- striped
P3: “did he have mental wounds” – she? I think you're meaning to reference Elsa here, since Edgar did not receive any physical wounds/didn't fight.


Readability [+2]
Your posts were well-written and easy to read. It is obvious you proofread these before posting them and you take great care in making sure your posts are to par.

Finally tally: 48 + (10*2)= 68 HP


TEMBOVU
Realism [+2.5]
You are good writer and it translates well into your spars. You have a good grasp for what is realistic and what is not regarding attacks and sustained damage. I thought you did a good job at taking the damage for the critical hit, although a torn muscle might be pushing it.

In post three I got a little confused. You change the injury location on his hind leg in this post. Earlier you mention that the injury is to his gaskin muscle, but in this post you write that it is behind his stifle. Be sure to stay consistent when writing injuries because, while those parts/muscles are on the same leg the gaskin is not behind the stifle but below it.

You have a few instances of powerplay that need to be addressed. They are minor infractions, but still worth mentioning. It is easy to get a little lazy with your wording when attacking and thinking about the other character, but I stress that you cannot be too careful when writing intentional language.

P1: “A low grunt escaped him as his great weight fell towards the pegasus at his side.” – This is a minor infraction, but you cannot write with any certainty Elsa’s position. In the time after her attack she very well could have moved.

P3: “He hesitated as she landed from her attack” – In Elsa’s post, it is not written that she has landed. You should assume she is still rearing.

:: “it would be enough of a blow that she would not consider it a restrained attack.” You cannot interpret how your opponent will interpret an attack physically OR mentally.


Emotion [+2]
I really enjoyed reading Tembovu in this spar and I really felt I connected with him by the way you wrote him. I yearned for some more of Tembovu’s history to come into play because you kept whispering teases of it. I appreciated Tembovu’s wrestling of emotion toward Elsa as well as his reactions to her companion.

There were a few lines that I really enjoyed, and they were:

“Distracted soldiers were dead soldiers. How often had he drilled that into recruits? Now look at him, fighting like a wet colt against a Queen. Where was the Elephant?”

“The rage in Elsa’s eyes hardened, and his doubt grew."

“But he felt (no, he knew) that his pity, his sympathy, would be unwelcome and even shameful to the wrathfully proud pegasus”


Prose [+3]
You’re a good writer and your writing is very grasping and interesting to read. I thoroughly enjoyed each of your posts. Throughout the fight you had a few tense changes and I noticed some grammar/spelling errors.

P1: “He his right foreleg forward” – Missing word here.

P2: “teeth aimed to re-injury his leg” – injure

:: “whispers of his training remembered by taunt muscles” – taut

P3: “would push the wild look over hers over the edge.” – of hers


Readability [+2]
Your posts were well-written and easy to read. Even with the few grammar mistakes sprinkled through there was no distractions to the readability of your posts.


Finally tally: 38.5+(9.5*2)= 57.5 HP