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She hits, and she hits hard. Ordinarily, an apology would bubble up onto her lips. Sorry, she'd splutter. Didn't mean to hit so hard. And, indeed, the words try their level best to force their way out, to burst into her gullet and out of the gaping chasm of her mouth, but she bites them back. She doesn't know why - call it female intuition, perhaps - but she thinks he wants to be hit hard, that he wants a proper distraction. Perhaps it's the way he threw himself into battle, so brazen, so brutish, with such little regard for his own safety, a runaway freight train. She thinks that he wants a true fight, not a happy little exchange of pulled punches that will leave neither party satisfied, an anticlimax after the world's best foreplay. If he's anything like her, he doesn't appreciate pointless little skirmishes that shed no blood and fashion no bruises, that are as ineffectual as two newborn foals rolling around in a meadow. No, she thinks he needs a proper clash, and he'll damn well get one. They won't kill each other, but why should she apologise for landing a blow that she'd be proud of in any normal fight? Besides, he can take it. She believes he's made of stern stuff, and this will give her ample opportunity to see how he reacts to such severe pain so early on in the fight. Her soldiers will not be piss-weak oafs who talk the talk but shy away when it comes to the blood and gore of battle. No, war isn't all heroes and swords and gleaming armour - it's muddy, bloody, dirty, painful, beautiful, and not for the faint of heart. Her soldiers will be made of fucking steel, imbued with the heart of the storm itself, and this is what she wants to see from Rohan. Fight back, handsome, she silently bids him; make me pay for that. And he tries to. He swings around to face her, his teeth flailing towards her face. Perhaps it's luck, or perhaps it's some blessed twist of fate, that causes her to slip as she tries to move to her right; her feet skid on the saturated ground and she lurches to her right with an alarmed whinny, flailing her legs to try and gain purchase again. His teeth whistle past her without making contact, and his chest-charge also hits only fresh air, as well. That's all well and good, but she looks like a right idiot as she desperately snatches at her balance and fights to keep herself from toppling over. The thunder drowns out her anguised roar, and the lightning illuminates the whites of her eyes as she wrestles against the ground which seems to be trying to pull her down to it like an amorous lover. To her great relief, she manages to stay standing. She is unharmed, save for her wounded pride, and she desperately hopes her antlered opponent didn't see her ungainly lurch. It worked out quite well for her, as she avoided harm from his most recent barrage of attacks, but the humiliation of slipping does not sit well with her. Yet, she reasons, this is why she fights in different conditions - so she's prepared for quirks of fate like that slip. She blinks hard to rid her eyes of rain, and swings her front end to the left in an attempt to face his left shoulder again. Attacking existing wounds is a favourite technique of hers, as unpleasant as it can be for the recipient of her attentions. Again, she wants to see how Rohan reacts to her; will he be angered by her attempt at causing pain, will he turn into the storm itself and enact revenge on her, or will he crumble? She wants a reaction, a rise, to see how hard she can make him hit. So she lunges forwards, and aims a bite for the gored area of his left shoulder. Her teeth are too blunt to do too much damage, which is why she uses them and not her horn again; she doesn't want to ruin the leg, as he'd be a fat lot of use as a warrior with only three limbs. No, she simply hopes to cause pain and test his resolve, not cause irreversible damage. So she attempts to nip at the wound, to add to the pain of it, and to see what her audacious attack will make him do. This is all a way for her to try and discover his limits, to try and bend and break them. ________ 2/3 - 778 words |
THINGS I LIKED
- Emotion, again. It doesn't need saying again, but I'm saying it anyway - you write him beautifully. Not only that, but your writing itself is gorgeous, as well. It's poetic, but easily understood, and I'm getting pulled in as I'm reading it which is great! You obviously understand Rohan really well and this part of your post is fantastic so I can't really offer any feedback on it lmao except to say well done and keep up the great work! :D
- No grammar or spelling errors that I could see. As I say above, your writing itself needs absolutely no improvement, and you'll definitely score highly in the Readability, Prose and Emotion sections. It's just realism and the actual ins and outs and mechanics of fighting that needs work, but that's a lot easier to grasp than the basics of writing itself, which you're already brill at! :D
- I think you took a good amount of damage for the dice roll given. A 5 is a pretty high roll, and you responded to it well by having him take quite a lot of damage from her horn. I personally wouldn't have had him take damage to his abdomen as well, though, as the injury to his leg is already serious enough to fufill the '5' dice roll.
THINGS TO IMPROVE
- 'Rohan forces himself into a graceless turn, pivoting so that he faces the silver mare directly'. Although it's only minor, try to fit attempts/aims etc into sentences that involve movement! Although it's not as critical as not saying 'aim' when you make an attack, it could still be considered minor PP to assume that your opponent will just let you turn to face them. It's always best to be safe than sorry, so try to make sure anything your character does in a fight has mention of 'attempt', even something as minor as moving around.
- 'he throws his neck to the side as he does so, teeth lashing out to grasp at whatever part of Nyx he might be able to reach'. Again, no mention of attempt/aim etc, so this sentence could be seen as GM/PP. Those words are eyesores, but they're better than losing points for GM! Also, you could have used more detail by saying which way he threw his neck, to paint a clearer picture about his exact movements.
- Again, you had over 300 words left to use. I would have liked to see more detail in his bite attack - you say 'any part he could reach', but since he's facing her, you could have just specified that he's aiming for her face, or neck, or chest etc. In your second attack, you specify that he's using the right side of his chest which is great, but I'd have also liked to see him mention where abouts on her he's aiming for - her chest, side? Is he trying to barge her over backwards, or just slam against her? Remember, you can use up to 800 words, so try and be as detailed as you can! In my eyes, you can never be TOO detailed, and it's better to be safe than sorry. If your opponent can picture in their mind's eye what your character is doing, then the judge will be able to as well.
Other characters have permission to use magic/violence against Nyx at any time.
