| Outcast atk: 8 | def: 11.5 | dam: 5.5 |
| Stallion :: Unicorn :: 15.2 HH :: 5 [Frostfall] HP: 79 | Buff: NUMB |
|
Lochan :: Plain Cerndyr :: Dark Mist
& Rakt :: Common Cerndyr :: Starpast
Jen |
Ashamin's black eyes fell upon the black form of his haunted opponent. As Mortuus ran, Ashamin watched. Every hoofbeat, every thundering step that came towards the haruspex, was a warning. They spoke to him, said you can run now, you can move faster, and then, at last, you don't have to do this.
The paint did have to do this, though. He felt the burning in his chest, the same desire that was his downfall. He would improve himself, he would harden himself until even the very shadow of who he had been was obliterated. Mortuus didn't need to know how Ashamin felt, because Ashamin didn't want to feel at all, anymore. If no one saw, did such feelings exist? If a tree falls...
As Mortuus approached, the haruspex considered his options. He could run, try and put distance between himself and the other stallion and surely succeed, but to stand his ground was to be strong, wasn't it? If he wanted to become stronger, he had to stop running someday.
So he watched, eyes wide and nostrils flared, as the other drew closer and dipped his jeweled crown. The two horns were fast approaching battering rams, the scarred body behind it a threat spelled out by rippling muscles. The closer that Mortuus came, the more Ashamin felt himself doubting this simple and perhaps stupid plan. Standing still now, taking the brunt of those horns... wasn't that just spelling his end? He'd cripple himself early in the fight, lose the wager and be forced to reveal his hand.
At the last second, when the first rush of air flew onto the Haruspex and the very breathing of his opponent could be heard, Ashamin dug his hind legs into the Tallsun softened frost by the shore and swung his body to his left. Not fast enough, not smart enough to avoid Mortuus' attack completely, but as the horns scraped against his side--rubbed fur away to reveal thin stripes of dripping red and the start of a tough bruise--Ashamin knew he had made the best decision he could in so little time.
The buck wouldn't let himself be caught off guard again, though. He had to move faster, think smarter. His side burned, eyes rolled to show their whites as the spar began, but he did not give up. He let his body follow its swing to turn him from the dragging heat of horns against his side and charged forward, straight into the water without fear. It was cold and his body complained, but the relief of it splashing onto the scrapes and growing bruise was incomparable. Ashamin cast his gaze back through the spray, watching as the other stallion bucked at nothing but air. He let out a quiet neigh of satisfaction as he avoided the other's attack with his unexpected move.
It may have seemed to be an odd choice, to charge into the lake, but Ashamin foresaw it giving him an advantage. Mortuus had proved his agility with such a quick turn from charge to buck, shown his strength with the pain caused by his horns, but the time it had taken him to move towards the haruspex had revealed his weakness: a definitive slowness. Ashamin didn't know how long Mortuus could last but he knew his own limitations and his own strengths. With any luck, drawing the heavier stallion into the water would slow Mortuus even more--drain his energy until Ashamin could come out on top.
Around the haruspex, black water painted with the sky and his own reflection swirled and lapped. Ripples from landed splashes radiated from his body; the cold dark sucked at his knees and dripped down from where it had splashed on his sides. The pain was numbed by the cold but still present. Tallsun made the water warm enough to be tolerable, but the heavy chill of night gave its bark a gentle bite. Were Ashamin able to keep his eyes off of Mortuus, he would have noticed how beautiful it looked with the aurora reflecting on its mirror; it was only Lochan, stationed patiently on the shore, hidden in the shadows, who admired the beauty.
"Come on, Mortuus!" Ashamin dared. His voice was tinged with taunting, his eyes flashed with the lights of the sky. His tail--lifted high above the water to keep his coils clear--beckoned his opponent. "Strike me where I am, not where I've been!"
With that, Ashamin reared. Work your magic, Lochan, he commanded as his companion crept towards the ram-horned beast with black mists swirling towards Mortuus. Draw him closer to me, cloud his judgement the haruspex went on as he cast his own magic, attempting to slow Mortuus' heart and tire his opponent further.
Together we'll bring him down.
""
there is a design,
an alignment to cry of my heart
to see the beauty of love
AS IT WAS M A D E TO BE 793/800
PC: 1/3, 0/1
Note: None
OOC TEACHING
What Worked
Breed Differences and body types: Yes yes yes! Amazing job here taking the time to describe these in detail. You named the differences in their breeds and took into account not just the fact that Ashamin has higher endurance and speed but why: his arabian descent. Your own comparison with Mortuus sets us both up for an informed fight and makes for good characterization of your own character, too. Mortuus is not just built for war but he's experienced with it, his history involves fighting and it makes sense that he would pick up on this. You also used Mortuus' horns well; he has ram horns, it makes sense that he would lower his head and use himself to batter Ashamin's side. Just be sure to note how he will feel this attack as backlash if Ashamin takes the hit, impact like that will have an affect on the neck of a horse even if they've prepared it.
Use of surroundings: Good job making note of the lake and Mortuus' care not to slip into it. Based on the fact that Ashamin left the cave first in my into post and got a head start, you can assume he is closer to the lake than Mortuus is since you didn't write your boy running past. This is a good way to write positioning without forcing anything on your spar partner. If Mortuus had run all the way to the lakeshore and then made an attack, rather than you positioning Mortuus in relation to Ashamin, you may have run into some confusion.
Attack wording: In general, it's always good to say your character is aiming, hoping, trying, but never surefire hitting. You did well with this.
Physical details: As with the picking up on the bodies, you have some nice moments in your writing where the eyes, teeth, and body just come into play really well. Great job. :)
What Needs Work
Word count: In attack posts, it's always good to take advantage of your wordcount to the fullest if you need to. I'm starting off with this one because it feeds into the rest as a whole, but remember that those words are of use to you. The more you write, the more there is for the judges to look at and see that you and your character have knowledge of the situation. Sometimes it feels like overwriting, but being extra clear in spars (which direction and angle did you come from, what was the ground like, what was your speed like, what side and part of the body are you aiming for?) is very helpful for all parties. Some of these words will be taken up in later posts by describing your own injuries, too.
Thought/Motivation/Emotion: Overall I wanted to know a bit more about Mortuus' motivation. It's clear that Mortuus is frustrated with Ashamin and thinks he needs to express himself, but why? Did Mortuus once bottle up his feelings and hurt as a result, did he see it happen to someone he loved? How does their spar make him feel about his past or his present, maybe even his future? There are a lot of things you have time to think about and discuss here, you had about 350 words at your disposal that could have gone towards this. I also pick up from the way that Mortuus is acting that he is experienced as I said above, but you can also tap into memories of specific fights that may remind him of this one and inform him on how to act. Maybe he learned that spin buck move from his grandsire by a lakeshore so he thought to use it again now that he is by a lake.
Attack Timelines: In my opinion, you should never do more than three attacks, and even that is pushing it. You don't have too many attacks here, but they're both very big/important ones (which is another thing I wondered about: why is Mortuus charging ahead so violently with a casual wager? Both these attacks could kill Ashamin if successful, think about motive, scale, and strength of attack in relation to a situation. If Mortuus is angrier than he should be or wants to hurt Ashamin that badly, the reader should know why.) By having another large attack that requires Mortuus to move after the first one, you restrict your spar partner's attack/response options and their timeline. I can't really write in Ashamin, say, ramming his side against Mortuus and biting his neck as Mortuus attacks now because you already wrote (with certainty) in your post that Mortuus turned away from Ashamin after his first attack to execute the second one, and then after that second one that he leaped far away. If you had just left yourself to one attack, you would have had more time to describe it in detail and allowed your opponent to have more options in response. Also, say you had rolled a critical miss and needed to take damage to yourself: you could have written that he tripped while charging and hit his knee, but now that you have written him successfully turning to buck that's no longer an option for you. Hopefully this makes sense, but the tldr is: less attacks, the better. Gives you more words to work on making your first one super clear, gives your spar partner freedom to write a more realistic scenario with you, and is simpler/more realistic for judges and spar-participants alike. If you're aiming for multiple attacks, keeping them in close vicinity to each other time and space wise (ie, charging and nipping at the same time) for plausibility/flexibility. Horses move more slowly and awkwardly than we wish they would in spars. :P
Overall
An amazing first spar post! Keep up the good work and I look forward to continuing this with you and seeing where it goes. If you have any questions about my notes or my post before you post hit me up on skype. Also thanks for the speediness, it's appreciated/more fun. :)
See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
Do not tag me, please message on skype instead
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