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03-05-2016, 06:36 AM
There was a certain level of mindlessness one had to enter to throw your body at another's in the hopes of proving.. what? It wasn't something the chocolate steed wanted to spend too much time mulling over as he hurtled with reasonable pace across the sands towards this taller, striped foe. The chocolate steed didn't hold back - he was not one to enter into any challenge, friendly or not, with intentions of taking it easy, or holding back, to spar the feelings of his opponent. No, Grimalkin was the sort of stallion who gave such events everything: his entire focus, his strength, his determination. And he expected nothing less of his opponents - perhaps that was why he was beat last time; it was also why he would not allow himself to be beaten again.
Stripes, the thought appeared in his mind, as his antlers met flesh and added some red streaks to his foe's already streaked, striped appearance. I'll call you Stripes, he grinned as flecks of blood dripped from his many points and spattered upon his own chiselled features. Perhaps it was too much for a friendly spar; too much bloodlust, too much desire to crush, kill, destroy his enemy, too much effort put into what should be just an exchange of blows, a demonstration of strength and aptitude. To Grimalkin, if he had delivered anything less, it would have been too little - it was better for him to go the other way, to deliver too much, and be awarded the victory because of it. The chocolate behemoth was not fond of leaving things up to chance; he would much rather secure a victory for certain, even if it meant bending the rules of exactly what friendly meant. He was beyond caring what Stripes thought however - he only wanted to win.
Because to win would mean he could go home. To win would mean he was worthy, he was strong. To win here would help set him up to win elsewhere, to rise victorious on everything he strived towards - he simply would not allow chance to steal this victory away from him. The stakes were too high, set by his own pride, his ego, and to lose now -- he would not consider it a possibility.
He must have been travelling fast, or else his attack against Stripes was powerful enough to allow him to slip through most of the taller steed's counterattack. Grimalkin felt hooves and teeth clatter against his retreating bulk; the hooves seemed to glance off as his movement carried him on and on, the teeth scraped and took some hair with it, but the fleeting grip was not enough to draw blood or break the taut skin of Grimalkin's barrel. The titan continued heaving forward, dipping his great crown low, tilting it so that he could glance to his left, around his own feathered limbs and assess where Misael's bulky, bleeding chest was. Lowering his crown also acted as a counterweight to his follow-up motion; a great, powerful kick with both feathered hind limbs, aimed directly at that striped, bleeding flesh. The motion reminded him of the bite Stripes had awarded him before, it twinged and ached as the skin stretched and the muscles flexed, but he powered on, too committed to restrain his intentions now. Perhaps it was rather morbid of the chocolate steed to want to bathe his hardened hooves in the blood of his enemy - Grimalkin saw it as simply a by-product of his victory, something that could not be avoided, something that simply was (and something he found he might actually enjoy).
Sand would inevitably be carried with his motion, its dryness a stark contrast to the last time he had pounded such battle rhythms on a beach. That sand had been heavy, wet; this sand was malleable, dusty, irritating in its own way. As his crown bowed low to it, he had to be careful not to breathe it in, or blink it into his eyes. He soon gathered his limbs beneath him again, pressing onwards another stride, raising his crown to a more neutral position, ready for what was to come next. Come on, Stripes, he thought to himself as he tried to hold his opponent in his sights, and assess what his next move would be.
Stripes, the thought appeared in his mind, as his antlers met flesh and added some red streaks to his foe's already streaked, striped appearance. I'll call you Stripes, he grinned as flecks of blood dripped from his many points and spattered upon his own chiselled features. Perhaps it was too much for a friendly spar; too much bloodlust, too much desire to crush, kill, destroy his enemy, too much effort put into what should be just an exchange of blows, a demonstration of strength and aptitude. To Grimalkin, if he had delivered anything less, it would have been too little - it was better for him to go the other way, to deliver too much, and be awarded the victory because of it. The chocolate behemoth was not fond of leaving things up to chance; he would much rather secure a victory for certain, even if it meant bending the rules of exactly what friendly meant. He was beyond caring what Stripes thought however - he only wanted to win.
Because to win would mean he could go home. To win would mean he was worthy, he was strong. To win here would help set him up to win elsewhere, to rise victorious on everything he strived towards - he simply would not allow chance to steal this victory away from him. The stakes were too high, set by his own pride, his ego, and to lose now -- he would not consider it a possibility.
He must have been travelling fast, or else his attack against Stripes was powerful enough to allow him to slip through most of the taller steed's counterattack. Grimalkin felt hooves and teeth clatter against his retreating bulk; the hooves seemed to glance off as his movement carried him on and on, the teeth scraped and took some hair with it, but the fleeting grip was not enough to draw blood or break the taut skin of Grimalkin's barrel. The titan continued heaving forward, dipping his great crown low, tilting it so that he could glance to his left, around his own feathered limbs and assess where Misael's bulky, bleeding chest was. Lowering his crown also acted as a counterweight to his follow-up motion; a great, powerful kick with both feathered hind limbs, aimed directly at that striped, bleeding flesh. The motion reminded him of the bite Stripes had awarded him before, it twinged and ached as the skin stretched and the muscles flexed, but he powered on, too committed to restrain his intentions now. Perhaps it was rather morbid of the chocolate steed to want to bathe his hardened hooves in the blood of his enemy - Grimalkin saw it as simply a by-product of his victory, something that could not be avoided, something that simply was (and something he found he might actually enjoy).
Sand would inevitably be carried with his motion, its dryness a stark contrast to the last time he had pounded such battle rhythms on a beach. That sand had been heavy, wet; this sand was malleable, dusty, irritating in its own way. As his crown bowed low to it, he had to be careful not to breathe it in, or blink it into his eyes. He soon gathered his limbs beneath him again, pressing onwards another stride, raising his crown to a more neutral position, ready for what was to come next. Come on, Stripes, he thought to himself as he tried to hold his opponent in his sights, and assess what his next move would be.
colourize-stock & larfsalot @deviantart
723 words.
2/3 attack posts.
0/1 closing defence.
WELCOME TO WHIT'S TEACHING TIPS OF DOOM
OK, so I'm going to just go ahead and explain EVERYTHING (that I can) - not because I assume you are Jon Snow and know nothing, but just to be sure there is no confusion anywhere across any aspect of spars ;D
First simple things to remember:
Word count. Do not go over it. Keeping below the 800 word count is an easy way to keep all possible HP. There is a penalty for each post that you post that exceeds the word count.
I pasted your post into a MS Word Doc and it said it was 801 words - this isn't good news, and it will depend on what wordcounter the Judges uses as to whether you get penalised here.
To effectively cut down words: Be concise with your writing. Can you say in one word what you just said in three? Be brutal when you cull. If the sentence is superfluous, CUT IT OUT. In saying that, if you have words left over, consider whether you need to flesh your post out some more. Add more details into your attacks, add some more feelings, more thoughts, more consideration for your environment (will go into all this more as the fight progresses).
Post numbering. I posted the first attack of the thread - this is the first one that a Judge will read. Our thread will progress like this:
1/3 attack - Me.
1/3 attack - You.
2/3 attack - Me.
2/3 attack - You.
3/3 attack - Me.
3/3 attack - You.
1/1 closing defence - Me.
You don't do a closing defence because I did the first attack - and in that first attack post I don't have an opportunity to defend from any attacks, because you haven't made one yet.
Familiarise yourself with the battle rubric. This is what you are being judged with. We are judged on the same things as far as the content of our posts go, with the added Dice Rolling, to make our HP honest. I'll go further into judging your post using this rubric below.
Interpreting the dice can be tricky, but Tamme put up a really good explanation in the Q&A thread:
The dice roll of 1-6 is always to keep the damage scaled, but the extent of that damage does vary with your opponent's damage stat, hence why greater damage stat means more HP is lost. You consider your opponent's damage stat and the value of the dice roll, but you do not need to add numbers or do percentages or anything like that, just consider that although a bruise (damage roll 1) is still a bruise, it can hurt more depending on who gave it to you.
If a 5 year old girl punches you, you arm is bruised, and it kinda hurts, like a damage roll of 1.
If a buff marine soldier punches you, you arm is bruised, and it really hurts. Just because he's a soldier doesn't mean you arm suddenly pops off, but the bruising will probably be more extensive, deeper, wider, more immediately tender. Still a damage roll of 1, still a bruise, but more damaging.
If a 5 year old girl hits you with a crowbar, your arm is maybe dislocated or utterly unusable, a damage roll of 6.
If a buff marine soldier hits you with a crowbar, your arm is probably broken, a damage roll of 6.
Now I'll go into the format a Judge would use:
Realism:
This is where judges will look at how accurately you interpreted the dice roll given, through how your character dodges/doesn't dodge, or takes damage.
I think the you need to keep in mind the pace of the fight - the time between Grimalkin's first hello words, and then his declaration of a fight, are very close together. Grim launches straight into his attack, and there is only one attack here - he's trying to head-ram Misael with his antlers, I think you've taken it as 2 separate attacks? Obviously I need to make my own posts a bit clearer - I'll keep that in mind, but don't ever hesitate to ask a question OOC if you're not sure.
Having your char rear up in the face of a body-slam is risky too - realistically if a heavy-set char like Grim was coming at you and you went up on 2 legs, no matter how tall or strong you are, you would likely lose some balance and risk falling over.
In saying that, you had Misael take Grim's antlers full on, which fits the 5 damage you rolled. Now you have to consider - how will this attack affect everything else Misael does? Being a 5 damage, Grim's drawn blood, think about how much that is going to be hurting him. Have you ever cut yourself on something, even just scraped your knee as a kid? It HURTS, you don't want to move. It's going to make you feel stiff and sore - so having Misael rear up high enough and fast enough to try and smash down on Grim straight after isn't the most realistic path you could take. It's going to hurt a lot, and also affect how well he's using his leg - think about it, if you had a cut on your shoulder, how much would you want to be using your hands? I'd wager that Misael is feeling the pain aching all down his legs, chest and shoulder from that hit, so be sure to keep that in mind when you make your next posts.
Also, be specific on which side of Grim's body you're attacking. As I specified that Grim would dart to the right (Misael's left), it's safe for me to assume that Misael is aiming for Grim's left side most, as that would realistically be the nearest side. Always try to have a specific aim for your attacks!
Also, no mention of your environment here. Always make note of where they are - currently on sand, will flecks of sand be stirred up and maybe make his cuts sting more during the fight? Will the cool breeze help or hinder you (or make no difference at all)? Try and be creative in your use of the environment, but keep it realistic too!
Emotion:
This is basically where you want to have your judges so captivated, so involved with your character, that they feel what your character is feeling.
Misael is a huge bag of feels! I can get that he is driven by his desire to prove himself as better than what he was previously, and better than his past opponents. Just don't get too confused between telling us about Misael's history and telling us WHY Misael is here now, WHY he feels the way he feels - captivate us. When Misael sees a great moose like Grim, what does he think? You've got that he assessed Grim's size, but how will that affect how Misael takes the rest of the fight? You've noted his antlers as something to watch out for, but there is little emotional reaction when Grim actually aims for Misael with those antlers - I would have liked to see Misael go "The Moose's great antlers point right at him - he was about to learn just how formidable they were first hand" as a sort of follow-on to Misael's earlier assessment.
Prose:
Grammar, writing style, etc, is judged here. As I mentioned above, your post count went to 801 when I checked it, this will be considered in the final judgement and may affect your final HP.
One thing I notice throughout your post is you switch tenses a bit. For example, your first opening sentence:
"He did not have to wait long, for across the way, another man stood." is in past tense, but the very next sentence, "There is a moment of contemplation, both being sure that their intents were not crossed." is in present tense. Try to be consistent with your writing so that you develop that nice flow, that easy story-telling sort of voice.
No misspelling of words (that I can pick up on anyway lol), which is fantastic, I can tell you went through your post with a fine-tooth comb in that regard.
It took me a couple of reads to understand this sentence: "His sun’s narrowed.." - I know that you mean his eyes, but I almost thought you had summoned sun-magic or something - be careful here, make sure you refer to his eyes clearly before referring to them as suns. Also, no apostrophe needed after suns in this particular sentence.
I really like the way you clearly define whether you are talking about Grimalkin or Misael throughout your post, because some people struggle with using 'he did this, he did that" and flipping between meaning their own character or their opponent - keep this up, ensure it is really clear throughout your whole spar, and you'll win yourself more points.
I feel like maybe you spent too much of your post telling us all about Misael and only allowed yourself a few words to construct both a defence and an attack. Especially because the opening sentence to your second paragraph said you were going to focus on the 'event at hand', then you went into more detail about who Misael is. Don't get me wrong, we want to know that stuff, but try to work it into the overall flow of the post a bit better. I do feel that your 3rd paragraph was a bit superfluous, and could have been cut out (maybe worked into your next reply somewhere), to give yourself a few more words to construct attack/defence reactions.
Readability:
This is judged separate to prose as some writers have a certain style (mine would be endless run-on sentences lol), if they can make it really work for them, it doesn't disrupt the way the reader interprets or reads through the post. If a judge has to read through a post more than once they generally will start knocking points or half-points off here, because remember - judges have to read each post of the spar, at least 7 of them, that's a fair chunk of reading. You want to make it as smooth a process as possible for them! I find reading posts out loud (sounds silly but it does help!) really helps me score more points here.
As I said above, you switched tenses a fair bit, which made the overall flow of the post a bit hard to track (I had to re-read a couple of sentences to wrap my head around what you were trying to say). Some of the imagery you were trying to convey was a bit awkwardly worded, I'll see if I can find an example of what I mean:
"A certain antlered palomino came to mind at the idea of war, and there is a flicker of frustration that ignites in his barrel, but he quickly engulfs that flame, he had moved on(or so he hopes.)"
Could be reworded to:
"Memories of past foes sprung to his mind at his ponderings of war, and frustration sparks like a newborn fire within him - he snuffs it out swiftly though, to focus on the present battle."
A great post overall - sorry for the really long set of notes, but I wanted to cover everything that I could see. Please don't hesitate to poke me on Skype or PM me if I've confused you here, or you want help with ideas on reacting to Grim's newest attack. I recommend youtubing horses playing and fighting and appreciating the sort of pace and movement they have. We're only talking about a minute or three here, tops, so while our chars will have thoughts and emotions, we must also appreciate the speed at which our actions will occur, etc. Happy sparring!
2/3 attack posts.
0/1 closing defence.
WELCOME TO WHIT'S TEACHING TIPS OF DOOM
OK, so I'm going to just go ahead and explain EVERYTHING (that I can) - not because I assume you are Jon Snow and know nothing, but just to be sure there is no confusion anywhere across any aspect of spars ;D
First simple things to remember:
Word count. Do not go over it. Keeping below the 800 word count is an easy way to keep all possible HP. There is a penalty for each post that you post that exceeds the word count.
I pasted your post into a MS Word Doc and it said it was 801 words - this isn't good news, and it will depend on what wordcounter the Judges uses as to whether you get penalised here.
To effectively cut down words: Be concise with your writing. Can you say in one word what you just said in three? Be brutal when you cull. If the sentence is superfluous, CUT IT OUT. In saying that, if you have words left over, consider whether you need to flesh your post out some more. Add more details into your attacks, add some more feelings, more thoughts, more consideration for your environment (will go into all this more as the fight progresses).
Post numbering. I posted the first attack of the thread - this is the first one that a Judge will read. Our thread will progress like this:
1/3 attack - Me.
1/3 attack - You.
2/3 attack - Me.
2/3 attack - You.
3/3 attack - Me.
3/3 attack - You.
1/1 closing defence - Me.
You don't do a closing defence because I did the first attack - and in that first attack post I don't have an opportunity to defend from any attacks, because you haven't made one yet.
Familiarise yourself with the battle rubric. This is what you are being judged with. We are judged on the same things as far as the content of our posts go, with the added Dice Rolling, to make our HP honest. I'll go further into judging your post using this rubric below.
Interpreting the dice can be tricky, but Tamme put up a really good explanation in the Q&A thread:
The dice roll of 1-6 is always to keep the damage scaled, but the extent of that damage does vary with your opponent's damage stat, hence why greater damage stat means more HP is lost. You consider your opponent's damage stat and the value of the dice roll, but you do not need to add numbers or do percentages or anything like that, just consider that although a bruise (damage roll 1) is still a bruise, it can hurt more depending on who gave it to you.
If a 5 year old girl punches you, you arm is bruised, and it kinda hurts, like a damage roll of 1.
If a buff marine soldier punches you, you arm is bruised, and it really hurts. Just because he's a soldier doesn't mean you arm suddenly pops off, but the bruising will probably be more extensive, deeper, wider, more immediately tender. Still a damage roll of 1, still a bruise, but more damaging.
If a 5 year old girl hits you with a crowbar, your arm is maybe dislocated or utterly unusable, a damage roll of 6.
If a buff marine soldier hits you with a crowbar, your arm is probably broken, a damage roll of 6.
Now I'll go into the format a Judge would use:
Realism:
This is where judges will look at how accurately you interpreted the dice roll given, through how your character dodges/doesn't dodge, or takes damage.
I think the you need to keep in mind the pace of the fight - the time between Grimalkin's first hello words, and then his declaration of a fight, are very close together. Grim launches straight into his attack, and there is only one attack here - he's trying to head-ram Misael with his antlers, I think you've taken it as 2 separate attacks? Obviously I need to make my own posts a bit clearer - I'll keep that in mind, but don't ever hesitate to ask a question OOC if you're not sure.
Having your char rear up in the face of a body-slam is risky too - realistically if a heavy-set char like Grim was coming at you and you went up on 2 legs, no matter how tall or strong you are, you would likely lose some balance and risk falling over.
In saying that, you had Misael take Grim's antlers full on, which fits the 5 damage you rolled. Now you have to consider - how will this attack affect everything else Misael does? Being a 5 damage, Grim's drawn blood, think about how much that is going to be hurting him. Have you ever cut yourself on something, even just scraped your knee as a kid? It HURTS, you don't want to move. It's going to make you feel stiff and sore - so having Misael rear up high enough and fast enough to try and smash down on Grim straight after isn't the most realistic path you could take. It's going to hurt a lot, and also affect how well he's using his leg - think about it, if you had a cut on your shoulder, how much would you want to be using your hands? I'd wager that Misael is feeling the pain aching all down his legs, chest and shoulder from that hit, so be sure to keep that in mind when you make your next posts.
Also, be specific on which side of Grim's body you're attacking. As I specified that Grim would dart to the right (Misael's left), it's safe for me to assume that Misael is aiming for Grim's left side most, as that would realistically be the nearest side. Always try to have a specific aim for your attacks!
Also, no mention of your environment here. Always make note of where they are - currently on sand, will flecks of sand be stirred up and maybe make his cuts sting more during the fight? Will the cool breeze help or hinder you (or make no difference at all)? Try and be creative in your use of the environment, but keep it realistic too!
Emotion:
This is basically where you want to have your judges so captivated, so involved with your character, that they feel what your character is feeling.
Misael is a huge bag of feels! I can get that he is driven by his desire to prove himself as better than what he was previously, and better than his past opponents. Just don't get too confused between telling us about Misael's history and telling us WHY Misael is here now, WHY he feels the way he feels - captivate us. When Misael sees a great moose like Grim, what does he think? You've got that he assessed Grim's size, but how will that affect how Misael takes the rest of the fight? You've noted his antlers as something to watch out for, but there is little emotional reaction when Grim actually aims for Misael with those antlers - I would have liked to see Misael go "The Moose's great antlers point right at him - he was about to learn just how formidable they were first hand" as a sort of follow-on to Misael's earlier assessment.
Prose:
Grammar, writing style, etc, is judged here. As I mentioned above, your post count went to 801 when I checked it, this will be considered in the final judgement and may affect your final HP.
One thing I notice throughout your post is you switch tenses a bit. For example, your first opening sentence:
"He did not have to wait long, for across the way, another man stood." is in past tense, but the very next sentence, "There is a moment of contemplation, both being sure that their intents were not crossed." is in present tense. Try to be consistent with your writing so that you develop that nice flow, that easy story-telling sort of voice.
No misspelling of words (that I can pick up on anyway lol), which is fantastic, I can tell you went through your post with a fine-tooth comb in that regard.
It took me a couple of reads to understand this sentence: "His sun’s narrowed.." - I know that you mean his eyes, but I almost thought you had summoned sun-magic or something - be careful here, make sure you refer to his eyes clearly before referring to them as suns. Also, no apostrophe needed after suns in this particular sentence.
I really like the way you clearly define whether you are talking about Grimalkin or Misael throughout your post, because some people struggle with using 'he did this, he did that" and flipping between meaning their own character or their opponent - keep this up, ensure it is really clear throughout your whole spar, and you'll win yourself more points.
I feel like maybe you spent too much of your post telling us all about Misael and only allowed yourself a few words to construct both a defence and an attack. Especially because the opening sentence to your second paragraph said you were going to focus on the 'event at hand', then you went into more detail about who Misael is. Don't get me wrong, we want to know that stuff, but try to work it into the overall flow of the post a bit better. I do feel that your 3rd paragraph was a bit superfluous, and could have been cut out (maybe worked into your next reply somewhere), to give yourself a few more words to construct attack/defence reactions.
Readability:
This is judged separate to prose as some writers have a certain style (mine would be endless run-on sentences lol), if they can make it really work for them, it doesn't disrupt the way the reader interprets or reads through the post. If a judge has to read through a post more than once they generally will start knocking points or half-points off here, because remember - judges have to read each post of the spar, at least 7 of them, that's a fair chunk of reading. You want to make it as smooth a process as possible for them! I find reading posts out loud (sounds silly but it does help!) really helps me score more points here.
As I said above, you switched tenses a fair bit, which made the overall flow of the post a bit hard to track (I had to re-read a couple of sentences to wrap my head around what you were trying to say). Some of the imagery you were trying to convey was a bit awkwardly worded, I'll see if I can find an example of what I mean:
"A certain antlered palomino came to mind at the idea of war, and there is a flicker of frustration that ignites in his barrel, but he quickly engulfs that flame, he had moved on(or so he hopes.)"
Could be reworded to:
"Memories of past foes sprung to his mind at his ponderings of war, and frustration sparks like a newborn fire within him - he snuffs it out swiftly though, to focus on the present battle."
A great post overall - sorry for the really long set of notes, but I wanted to cover everything that I could see. Please don't hesitate to poke me on Skype or PM me if I've confused you here, or you want help with ideas on reacting to Grim's newest attack. I recommend youtubing horses playing and fighting and appreciating the sort of pace and movement they have. We're only talking about a minute or three here, tops, so while our chars will have thoughts and emotions, we must also appreciate the speed at which our actions will occur, etc. Happy sparring!
@Misael
please do not feel pressured into mirroring the length of any of my posts
I write what I feel at the time
and hope everyone else does the same c:
