He took everything she said in almost nonchalantly (at least in her mind that's how it appeared), and watching him respond in which the way he did made her question if her anxiousness about the entire situation was even valid. Was she really just crying over spilled milk so to speak? Were her concerns ones that were just a thing people felt after giving their virginity away to a complete stranger? Before she could answer herself Mauja spoke, striking a chord within her. She looked up into those blue eyes once again, before hesitantly nodding. If anything the entire encounter only left her even more confused. Swishing her tail she looked away, sadness in her eyes as she still didn't know where to go from there.
To her relief she didn't need to though, because soon he questioned her, made her sit down and think about how she felt. Looking at him to acknowledge she heard him she then looked down to think, letting all of the emotions and thoughts cross her mind all at once to help her filter through and see just what was it that she primarily felt. She'd be lying if she said she didn't like it, he had certainly known his way around a woman and even for her first time it was something she had thoroughly enjoyed. Although she had a feeling that wasn't the answer Mauja would want to hear. So instead she delved deeper into the thoughts rampaging her mind and studied them, analyzed every one tediously. After what felt like hours, she finally resurfaced into reality to look at Mauja again, a look of seriousness upon her spotted expression as she spoke thoughtfully," I can't entirely explain how I feel honestly. I guess... I like him, but I don't think I would ever do; it, again."
That was the best way for her to describe it. He had been kind to her, sweet and honest, even made her feel like she could confide in him. Which she did, and then it had escalated into something she thought neither of them had actually expected to occur. But that was really it, when it came to Quilyan. She couldn't clearly see herself with him in the future, couldn't imagine a life with the painted prince, or even little ones running around them as they experienced their own "happily ever after". Yet deep down she felt this underlying guilt, that not only had she done something impure, but she had betrayed something; someone. That was when the image of emerald eyes flashed into her mind, the silver pearl of a maturing coat and delicate maw stroking the side of her neck. All at once memories of him were flooding in, filling her soul with anguish because she had betrayed him and who he was, what they had been. But, they hadn't been anything. They had just been kids with childhood crushes; shy, tender kisses upon each other's cheeks and nights where they would stare at the stars for hours.
Then how come did it kill her inside knowing that she had been with someone else first, and not him. Part of her felt that the moment she had shared with Quilyan had meant to be his. It would have been different; gentle kisses and tender touches. She imagined he would have been slow, gentle and careful with every action taken because that was how he was, how he would have been if she had given him the chance. This thought by itself was enough for the tears to fall, for her to bite her lip and to whimper. Sniffling, she looked to her companion once again, trying so hard to keep calm, but it just hurt so much that she couldn't help but simply cry.
" I feel guilty too... that I'm a dirty whore that should have kept her legs shut. Because he wasn't the one and I know he isn't because the man who is I can't keep out of my mind. But he isn't here and I don't know if I'll ever see him again; but I took away our moment, what we would have shared if I hadn't been so fucking stupid!" she sobbed, curling into herself and refusing to look at him, fearing he was just as disgusted with her as she was. She was no better than the dirt beneath their hooves, she didn't deserve to get his advice or his comfort. She had betrayed her first and only love, had broken something they could have had, and that was enough to break her on the inside entirely. How was she supposed to mend something such as catastrophic as this? Looking up at him again, with a hint of fear as to how he would response, she sniffled, searching for an answer in those blue eyes as she whimpered," Do you think he'll ever forgive me...?"
OOC:
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