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04-26-2016, 10:47 AM
Once within a grove of trees, I found a rolling marble.
--"Marbled in monochrome colors"
+1 | appearance ref
Despite all its beauty t'was dulled by its company
--"While she is rather bland in comparison to the rest of her family"
+1 | appearance ref, yup
and lay at the foot of a high-reaching tree--
--Tree marking
0 | This is a little too vague for me as well - maybe too abstract? I didn't get that this is a tree marking.
a sapling compared to my canopy's rings.
--Trees age in years, she is smaller and younger than Knox like a sapling is smaller and younger than a tree
0 | I think there is too much going on here - I sort of understood that you are saying Knox is older, but smaller as well?
Now though other trees and glass bits lay about,
--Onsite relatives marked with trees, most notably Tilney who is in the edge with a broken glass wall
0 | I did not get that this was supposed to be relatives = trees D: I got the glass part with the edge, but it made me think that she too was in the edge but then the "other trees" part confused me
this one had rolled on its own.
--"... she refused to go crawling back to her home. She began to make it a point in her life that she would be able to learn how to thrive without others"
0 | this screams outcast to me, not really history
What a curious thing indeed!
--"Aelf asks many questions which could be annoying to some, but it wouldn’t bother her even if it did. After all, curiosity can be a wonderful thing."
+1 | Personality reference!
2/3 - overall a good stealth, but a little too abstract with lines that rely too much on each other
--"Marbled in monochrome colors"
+1 | appearance ref
Despite all its beauty t'was dulled by its company
--"While she is rather bland in comparison to the rest of her family"
+1 | appearance ref, yup
and lay at the foot of a high-reaching tree--
--Tree marking
0 | This is a little too vague for me as well - maybe too abstract? I didn't get that this is a tree marking.
a sapling compared to my canopy's rings.
--Trees age in years, she is smaller and younger than Knox like a sapling is smaller and younger than a tree
0 | I think there is too much going on here - I sort of understood that you are saying Knox is older, but smaller as well?
Now though other trees and glass bits lay about,
--Onsite relatives marked with trees, most notably Tilney who is in the edge with a broken glass wall
0 | I did not get that this was supposed to be relatives = trees D: I got the glass part with the edge, but it made me think that she too was in the edge but then the "other trees" part confused me
this one had rolled on its own.
--"... she refused to go crawling back to her home. She began to make it a point in her life that she would be able to learn how to thrive without others"
0 | this screams outcast to me, not really history
What a curious thing indeed!
--"Aelf asks many questions which could be annoying to some, but it wouldn’t bother her even if it did. After all, curiosity can be a wonderful thing."
+1 | Personality reference!
2/3 - overall a good stealth, but a little too abstract with lines that rely too much on each other
