the Rift


riiiight into the danger zone!

Abraham Posts: 113
Absent Abyss atk: 4.5 | def: 8.0 | dam: 7.5
Stallion :: Hybrid :: 17.3 hh :: Three years HP: 71 | Buff: NOVICE
Gwyneverre :: Plain White Dragon :: Fire Breath & Brienne :: Royal Gold Dragon :: Frost Breath Time
#4
running all the lights with the girl of his dreams
He was a thundering demon as he pushed his body toward the golden-marked one, his mane and tail waving in the wind like gallant banners of a battalion. Every step he took shook the earth beneath him--he was a god, a titan, a monster. Thick muscles rippled beneath his inky hide, the shadows of his descending dragons painted along his spine. The atmosphere changed as the trio charged toward their acquaintance--it became darker, colder, frightening. The tension rose as Abraham mounted himself against Rikyn, to protect his sister hidden within the trees and waterfalls of his father's herdland. Ice cracked and shattered beneath the leviathan's hooves as he cantered toward his opponent. Snow and ice took no prisoner, he knew that well, and so he kept his movements strong and centered.

Above him, Gwyneverre trilled a high song before swooping down, making a wide arc around the soon to be duelers. Her jaws parted and white flame poured out, melting ice and snow to reveal dark, dismal grasses below. Abraham smirked. His dragons were so keen, so brilliant. They were goddesses in their own right--queens even through death. Brienne followed the white, circling with her, poised for attack. Her green eyes never left the golden-marked boy as he ran toward Abraham, attempting to meet the son of hellion head on.

The golden boy was quicker than Abraham, that was apparent in his smaller stature and thinner legs. Abraham, without doubt, was stronger--he was taller, thicker, more robust and his body bulged with all of his glorious muscle. Where the two fell on stamina and grace, the leviathan could not determine, but a part of him decided that the thinner stallion would not tire as quickly as Abraham. Rikyn's speed gained an upperhoof momentarily as he aimed for Abraham's naked, right side--and the leviathan knew he needed to keep the thinner boy close to him should he wish to cripple him with his greater strength. Grunting, Abraham let the stallion stay there. Trained eyes watched as Rikyn's neck curled and lowered--Abraham knew this move well. His mother trained him in the fine arts of unicorn battle. Quickly, Abraham changed his three beat gait to four. It was a surge of power, feathered hooves entering the snowless ground Gwyneverre had prepared with her fire.

Tucking his large head in, Abraham let the boy's horn slide over the muscle in his neck as he attempted to move past him. Pain, white-hot and prickling, laced along his neck as his opponent's horn sliced across skin. On his right side shallow, but long, cut tapered down the bulge of Abraham's neck. He sucked in a breathe of pain, but thrust his front legs down and locked them. With trained precision his weight shifted forward and his hips aimed toward where he hope his opponent to be. With a sting, Abraham felt the horn slice over his right fetlock as his hind legs lifted. Another cut found its way beneath his thick feathering and it stung. Committed to his attack, however, Abraham aimed his heavy, devastating hooves like battering rams towards Rikyn's chest--dual-colored eyes watched the skid marks the boy made and hoped it left his chest open for Abraham to knock the wind from his lungs.

Twin dragons could feel the stinging, hot pain from Rikyn's horn on their bodies, as if the boy had attempted to skewer and slice them instead of their master. War cries left their jaws in unison, and quickly their wings flapped. Gwyneverre moved around to one side and Brienne to another. The gold lead the assault: her jaws opened, then the white's, and they took their aim. Fire and ice sprayed in broad, deadly bursts in an attempt to brandish both side of Rikyn's flanks with their respective elements. Simultaneous to their approach and attempted devastation, vines burst up from the ground. Like starving souls reaching for food, thorny vines snaked and groped for their morsel. They attempted to wrap themselves around the legs of the golden-marked assailant, hold him immobile within their grasp. Abraham smirked some, his dark face hiding any wince of pain as his hind legs met the earth with a thud once more. He lurched forward, the muscles in his neck pulled and agony biting him. He fought against it, however, turning his body around to face his acquaintance. He kept turning until his leftmost side was where he thought his opponent would be, trapped beneath the power of his vines, and he jumped forward once more, spike-laden shoulder aiming to demolish Rikyn's smaller left shoulder.



[PC: 1/3 | WC: 761 according to wordcounter.net | Magic: Can summon thorny vines to wrap around his opponents. Restrictions | Lasts one 1 post in battle. Requires permission outside battle.]

abraham
art by neo || coding by neo



TEACHING
Realism
I thought your attacks were very well executed. I would have liked to see some tactic and stat references here as he started the battle, however. I found it lacking, when the opening posts are the best place to do it. If Rikyn has been training, as you've written, it is not unreasonable for him to make assumptions on Abraham and how the fight might pan out.

"The shallow snow is treacherous, the gritty powder only doing so much against the hidden patches of ice; I’m lucky so far, each patch shattering with a crunch beneath my weight, but I’ll have to keep my senses on my feet." -- GREAT! I like this because you have not had to take damage yet, but this leaves for the chance to take that as the battle goes on. Excellent job.


Emotion
Good mention of emotion regarding the fear Rikyn feels as Abraham comes towards him. Not only was this realistic for his character, you also set it up really well by comparing it to his fight with Volterra and how he felt in that situation. It gave great depth to Rikyn that I enjoyed learning. I thought you also did a great job in giving Rikyn hope for winning against Abraham. I like his tenacity.


Prose/Readability
Your sentences are mostly long, drawn out and spliced with lots of commas. It is easier, and more enjoyable, on the brain to read paragraphs with a variety of sentence lengths. Think, for your next post, where you can change this up a little.

-- "..the memory of hiswrath, and the snap of..." needs space between his and wrath

Reflection for next post
-- Stats referencing!
-- The environment!
-- Past experiences!
-- Keeping emotion in while balancing with actions (something I struggle with)!
-- Tactics!
-- Vary sentence lengths!

@Rikyn


Messages In This Thread
riiiight into the danger zone! - by Rikyn - 04-13-2016, 10:58 AM
RE: riiiight into the danger zone! - by Abraham - 04-17-2016, 06:56 PM
RE: riiiight into the danger zone! - by Rikyn - 04-19-2016, 12:18 PM
RE: riiiight into the danger zone! - by Abraham - 05-03-2016, 07:46 PM
RE: riiiight into the danger zone! - by Rikyn - 05-10-2016, 12:22 PM
RE: riiiight into the danger zone! - by Time - 06-23-2016, 08:35 PM

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