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04-13-2016, 02:18 PM
(This post was last modified: 04-13-2016, 02:18 PM by Albrecht.
Edit Reason: Tag BS
)
It’s early - way too early for bums like him to be out and about, yet here he stands with his head low and tail limp, staring blindly out over the undulating floor of the Basin. His head feels hot and pressurized, as if great wads of the Weaver’s fleece are packed between his ears, behind his eyes, and sweat darkens his coat despite the chill of Frostfall.
Chipped hooves are planted firmly beneath him, knees dutifully locked, but still he feels weak, wobbly like a newborn foal still unfamiliar with the mechanics of standing and walking. His muscles quiver almost too slightly to notice, but the feeling from within is that of swaying wildly from side to side, uncontrollably, buffeted by an unseen wind. He wills himself still, closes his eyes. The beat inside his chest is too quick, too irregular. Why?
He’s seen the after effects of trauma before. He recognizes the signs, can place a fat red check in each little box on the list in his head, but those victims were exasperating their condition by blaming themselves, refusing to forgive themselves, refusing to move on or otherwise stagnating the healing process to the point that mental dysfunction begins manifesting physically. He doesn’t blame himself.
He wishes things had been different, yes - gods, yes - but he doesn’t disparage his own actions. It had been kill all or kill some. Save none or save a few. The judgmental can spin it either way, but the numbers don’t lie. He had ensured their survival. That’s not the work of an evil man, a tyrant, a monster. If he was to suddenly find himself there again, trapped in the snow and the endless howling, he’s certain he’d do the same all over again. It was the most logical choice. It was the best he could do. He doesn't care to debate wrong or right. Those words are just opinions justified by flawed systems of belief. He caused the least possible harm with the best possible outcome. That's rationalization enough for him.
So why do the nightmares persist?
Chipped hooves are planted firmly beneath him, knees dutifully locked, but still he feels weak, wobbly like a newborn foal still unfamiliar with the mechanics of standing and walking. His muscles quiver almost too slightly to notice, but the feeling from within is that of swaying wildly from side to side, uncontrollably, buffeted by an unseen wind. He wills himself still, closes his eyes. The beat inside his chest is too quick, too irregular. Why?
He’s seen the after effects of trauma before. He recognizes the signs, can place a fat red check in each little box on the list in his head, but those victims were exasperating their condition by blaming themselves, refusing to forgive themselves, refusing to move on or otherwise stagnating the healing process to the point that mental dysfunction begins manifesting physically. He doesn’t blame himself.
He wishes things had been different, yes - gods, yes - but he doesn’t disparage his own actions. It had been kill all or kill some. Save none or save a few. The judgmental can spin it either way, but the numbers don’t lie. He had ensured their survival. That’s not the work of an evil man, a tyrant, a monster. If he was to suddenly find himself there again, trapped in the snow and the endless howling, he’s certain he’d do the same all over again. It was the most logical choice. It was the best he could do. He doesn't care to debate wrong or right. Those words are just opinions justified by flawed systems of belief. He caused the least possible harm with the best possible outcome. That's rationalization enough for him.
So why do the nightmares persist?
@Ki'irha
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