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07-03-2016, 08:21 AM
EREBOS
He was tired, so tired of this gambit. There was no effort in the chase, no honor in the fight, no fatal twist in the schism. The boy just wanted everything to be over. Even his movements had been sluggish, listless, lethargic, half of them made on prayer, the other portion on pure instinct. The prince could hear Orsino yelling, grumbling, hissing at him through their connection, but his voice seemed muddled, mired, rooted too far into his lifeless haze. His attack missed too, swindled and caught, ensnared and tethered into the rumbling catacomb. The disappointment stung just as badly as all his other wounds. Rikyn maneuvered too quickly, too fast, for him to utilize any other strategy but running. The boy strived to gallop forward, out of range, out of reach of the swinging horn, the glowering hoof (as if they were tipped with poison or frustration; he could feel it all flickering around the cavern), but the floor, the ground, continued with Orsino’s dastardly tricks. While he’d missed the initial plunge of Rikyn’s sword, he stumbled, ceasing his advance, and felt the graze of a hoof glance off his left hip, plucking away at more bits and pieces of hair. It smarted like everything else, the bruises, the scratches, and the combination of their sweltering, aching nettles pounded through his skull, through his body, as he struggled to rise from the undulating ground. Then, instantly, it seemed over – the fox’s illusions disappeared, leaving the caves the way they’d been before, cracks filled, echoing ceased, fire glowing in the distance. A sigh of relief left his body, made its way through his lacerations, his agonies, piercing this way and that as they lanced along his right flank and shoulder, as they stretched their gnarled fingertips down the length of his left hip. But Rikyn’s rage wasn’t. His tired stare (heavy, everything felt heavy) became fixated on the pinned ears, the bold gestures, the haughty irritated features that had always symbolized Rikyn. He didn’t even bother to feel content or mad, dispirited or saddened. The lad just listened to the curses spinning, to the wrath curling. Are you even trying? he spewed, he accused, he rattled, and it all seemed to reverberate through his head. “No,” the scion whispered back in honesty, allowing it to grow and expand through the hall. “I didn’t want to hurt you.” I never have, he lamented. Didn’t feel the same, Orsino plucked into their bond, and Erebos looked away from his friend – wondering why it was always him that seemed to get the brunt of their damaging moments. Rikyn never seemed to care, and Erebos seemed to care too much. He’d fought because Rikyn wanted to. He’d fought to please his fellow devil. He’d fought because he’d wanted to prove himself – but even that sentiment faded off in the end. The prince’s final words stoked their finale, stare riveting back upon his bay companion, holstering their lost determination again. “I wouldn’t want to be a King without you.” [3/3 + 1/1 defense. 504 words. * As Rikyn comes for him, Erebos attempts to race forward and avoid his attack. He misses Rikyn’s horn and initial kick. * However, he stumbles on the ground, and Rikyn’s hind comes to graze his left hip, removing more pelt and hair. Final Injury Report: * Cut along his right flank. * Bruised right shoulder. * Lost hair/pelt on left hip.] |
Teaching Notes:
What Went Well:
* Emotions: Aww, be still my heart! Rikyn is so wonderful in the way you portray him. Always true to form. I especially loved these lines:
Our eyes meet in the charge; the deep, midnight oceans I’ve come to know as friendship are almost black in the dim, ruddy light. There has always been sadness in his eyes, sadness that I think belongs to Huyana, and, now, Arwen. I do not think of his lost ones so much as I know, and expect, this depth of heaviness to my friend, his somber evening to Aithniel’s brilliant morning having shaped the conundrum that is me, the remnant afternoon. It blinds me to his apology as he runs towards me; as his blade lowers for use, my own golden rapier tilts for blood, my cloven step clattering on the tremulous earth.
Is he not having fun?
Or…
Is he afraid to hurt me?
I almost roll my eyes as I come back down to earth, wondering why he’d bothered to accept the fight if he was just going to let me win. It’s frustrating, because I know how much can be learned from an opponent who knows you well, who can figure how you’ll react, just how to stir your temper… that he possibly hasn’t even been trying makes me want to yell at him, despite having been laughing only moments before. If he can’t fight me, how was he supposed to be able to fight for our empire? Sometimes, people you care about get in your way, and you have to put them down. An ugly truth, but one I’d been told of early on, one I’d expected.
"Are you even trying?" are the words I settle on with an irritated swish of my slender tail; the question is accusing, despite not being said at anything louder than a normal speaking voice, and the radiant echo about the cavern comes across as more mocking than I’d meant it to. Something softens in my face in exasperation of never being able to say anything right, a hoof slamming into the ground in frustration. "We’ll never be Kings of anything at this rate."
See! I had a hard time choosing which one I liked the most. ;D Writing out Rikyn’s emotions in battle are definitely one of your strengths – so keep utilizing it whenever you can!
* Surroundings: I really liked this bit: Sweat slakes down my sides, stings the open wound on the back of my ankles, and strikes the hot stone beneath us before it is almost immediately evaporated. I wish it would do the same on me, the dust riddled air growing in heat the longer we dance, and like a siren, the temptation of the cool air in the side caverns so nearby almost overwhelms my sense to fight. Because it really showcased the setting, how stifling it could be, etc. You could’ve pushed even further and used it to show how Rikyn might be getting tired, how it may be pushing him to stop, etc.
* Directions: Ah, thank you! I knew exactly where he was headed this time. Even indicating that simple line of: Swinging my ass about in a youthful tantrum towards the left, I grit my teeth against the pain of my minimal bruises and nicks, and kick out at the Reaper’s son with all my hard feelings about having been short handed in this fight by a man’s womanly sentiment. gives me a chance to note where Rikyn is and where Erebos could be. Very helpful!
To Work On:
* Attacks/Timing: I had to reread some paragraphs a couple times to catch all the attacks. I believe I counted three? They were all within the same timeframe too – horn slashing, then a kick, then another kick, all seemingly as Erebos was passing by. You’ve got to give your opponent a chance to do something besides dodge all your attacks (though I realize this is a final post ;D). They will not be standing in one spot for you to ream on them (I would hope XD).
There was an odd directional piece to this paragraph too: As we come together, his blade reaches towards my left; instinctively, my body pulls away to the right. Compensating, I lift my front hooves off the dark stone, curving my neck and shoulders towards his passing figure in a hope to strike the tip of my horn along his right side. It’s a good counter move, and even if it misses, I’m proud of myself for having thought of it, feeling a smirk rise to my lips as I kick out my undamaged leg for the hell of it. Relishing the relief of pressure on my damaged ankle, I’m satisfied (and surprised) to notice that Erebos’ blade misses its mark, finally piecing together his lack luster blows and brooding looks in the proper equation. - If Erebos is coming from Rikyn’s left, how can Rikyn get to his right? Is he launching over the side? I was a little puzzled by this. Sometimes I find using models (BREYERS :DDD) or my hands (to figure out where everyone is) very helpful. It’s easy to get muddled in the confusion.
* Pain: I would still think about pain from prior attacks, tiredness, etc. as your having Rikyn move around. Its especially pivotal in the final post, because this is the last time the judge will read about everything that has impacted your character. Constantly moving around with various attacks strewn about isn’t showing how Rikyn is affected by the battle – he should be somewhat limited because of pain or injuries. Maybe his strategy has changed (much like when he didn’t use his damaged leg to kick out, which I thought was clever, but then he did later on?). Did his shoulder hurt when he forced all his weight on it again to kick out?
Phew – and now we’re at the end! Thank you for doing this with me, Bunnie! I really enjoyed the two knuckleheads. <333 Let me know if you want a follow-up thread or PM me with any questions you have.
@Rikyn
