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05-24-2016, 04:17 PM
[quote='Ashamin' pid='177551' dateline='1461887101']
The haruspex let out a heady snort in response to his companions' warnings of company. The stallion who arrived was younger but larger--not someone Ashamin felt like taking seriously then.
Call it a hot streak, call it hubris, or call it the need to drown out his sins, but Ashamin was beginning to think he couldn't lose. When the other stallion answered his call Ashamin didn't deign to reply with more than a nod. Names might come later with the licking of wounds, or maybe he would just fade into the moist heat of the shore and disappear. Maybe Ashamin could live life as a passing monster.
Skilled or not, Ashamin was unprepared. He didn't expect such wild energy to come from the stranger; it was almost eerily similar to his own. He remembered how he had fought with Torleik, ignoring all signs that the braided beast was stronger than Ashamin had been. The same recklessness was painted in every straining muscle, every heaving breath of this challenger's approach. The haruspex had ample time to move but took too much of it analyzing his opponents build--noting the bay's slower speed. Ashamin knew his own strengths and being able to move quickly, turn well, and last long were all things he suspected he had on this stag.
So why wouldn't he move?
Was it because his companions both did, fleeing in opposite directions (Rakt to the left, Lochan to the right) and tricking Ashamin into thinking that he was running with them? Or was it subconscious want for hurt, memory of how deeply he'd been scarred when he'd stood still and taken Torleik's gouging attack? As if remembering, his hindquarters and the gold scars left from the Bloodskald shivered with fresh aches.
He hadn't moved then, why wouldn't he move now? Ashamin watched with cold eyes as his enemy's lighter ones drew closer. They looked so empty, so void of senses, but the haruspex was not mentally quick enough then to figure out why. That was a realization that would come later. After all, how was he supposed to suspect that a blind stallion would charge at him with such boldness?
The sound of wings fluttering overhead caught the haruspex off-guard and he looked up to see the bird. Lochan cast a dark image in his mind, the shadow of the oncoming attacker, and the confusing shock of both that and the sudden appearance of the bird caused the haruspex to rear and turn, facing partially away from the stranger and exposing the right side of his hindquarters. When the injury came, sliding through the flesh of his croup like an unclean knife, Ashamin didn't cry out.
This was the sort of pain that he deserved. As the skin tore and the blood burst, sending out with it harmless sparks that hovered around the new wound and tried to heal, it was his two companions that shivered and shook.
Was he channeling his pain through the bond, using them as shields? Maybe, but who knew if that was even possible. Maybe Lochan and Rakt felt the pain on a deeper level because Ashamin refused to. Could it be possible that the Clovenheart could disassociate from hurt so intensely that his body was blocked off from it, frozen in a state of shock? True, his hind quaked and his back legs threatened to buckle even as his forelegs landed and he tried to pull himself away from the dagger in his flesh--to twist his body further to the right and put himself parallel to the enemy, facing the opposite direction--but did he really feel it?
Did he really know what it was to be innocently hurt, or was every injury tainted by the memory of one that had come before it? This was bad, but couldn't he compare it to almost dying in the secret grove in the wake of his battle with Torleik, or the claw of the Bear God hooked just beside his jugular? There were times that the Clovenheart had almost seen the light of his life fade, but this wasn't even a flicker.
A dripping, ghoulish splatter of red to be sure, but in the end it was only a blip.
His teeth smashed down, narrowly missing his silent tongue, and when he turned to look at the upstart that had wounded him his eyes were wicked. The fang on his necklace glowed for a moment before expanding, and the mask that he summoned covered his features like a hideous scar. He sent out his magic like an arrow from a bow, devastatingly aimed and with vicious intent, and hoped to speed the boy's heart til it burst.
Sweat and blood covered his hide, anger painted his features. What a fool that had run blindly into this fight.
""
image credits
AP: 1/3, 0/1
WC: 800/800
Note: Apologies for my lateness! Finals and moving hit me hard. I'll be much quicker from here on out.
Teaching notes
So there isn't quite so much battle wise to talk about because this is the very first one, but here goes!
+ Companion Relationship: Not only did I get a sense of them individually, but I got one of them together. They had good back and forth and good physical interaction as well. Talking about the sensation of Edison's claws is smart, because a blind horse isn't going to be seeing his companion and he'll be using other senses.
+ Poesy: Your writing was beautiful! Seriously, downright poetic. I love the image of the glass paneling and some of the descriptions that you have.
- Clarity: On the above note, make sure the grammar in your sentences is as clear as possible at all times. There were a couple sentences where another word or comma might have helped to clarify what you meant, and you had the room.
+ Environment: You did a good job of not only describing the environment, but in ways that makes sense for a blind horse (by scent in particular, with the salty air.)
- Attack Positioning: This is a perfectly fine attack, but just be sure that wording is as clear as possible. The real problem is position. I have no clue where Roux is in relation to Ashamin so it's hard for me to figure out where I should take the attack, since I can't make it up without forcing Roux into a position you might not want him/have meant for him to be in. I just know that Roux is headed for one of my three but it could really be any of them, and from any direction. Roux located them through Edison so he should be able to know where he is relatively, and that's something you should communicate.
Suggestions for next time:
Wordcount: While of course you don't have to hit 800, it's always good to make use of what you have. Since there were a few places with clarity issues, I would suggest next post reading things over if you're under wordcount and seeing what can be made clearer. If you think it's an emotionally dry post, throw in that, lacking environment interaction, needing more description of positioning, etc., consider adding in more to help.
Senses: I would think about stressing how Roux takes in the surroundings, other than via his companion's eyesight. He wasn't born with Edison so he hasn't always been able to rely on him, so what are other ways he might be thinking about the world and experiencing it? This is good to know too because if you were fighting Knox, say, he could blind Edison too and then you'd need to be writing without that crutch.
THE HARUSPEX
on his own
on his own
The haruspex let out a heady snort in response to his companions' warnings of company. The stallion who arrived was younger but larger--not someone Ashamin felt like taking seriously then.
Call it a hot streak, call it hubris, or call it the need to drown out his sins, but Ashamin was beginning to think he couldn't lose. When the other stallion answered his call Ashamin didn't deign to reply with more than a nod. Names might come later with the licking of wounds, or maybe he would just fade into the moist heat of the shore and disappear. Maybe Ashamin could live life as a passing monster.
Skilled or not, Ashamin was unprepared. He didn't expect such wild energy to come from the stranger; it was almost eerily similar to his own. He remembered how he had fought with Torleik, ignoring all signs that the braided beast was stronger than Ashamin had been. The same recklessness was painted in every straining muscle, every heaving breath of this challenger's approach. The haruspex had ample time to move but took too much of it analyzing his opponents build--noting the bay's slower speed. Ashamin knew his own strengths and being able to move quickly, turn well, and last long were all things he suspected he had on this stag.
So why wouldn't he move?
Was it because his companions both did, fleeing in opposite directions (Rakt to the left, Lochan to the right) and tricking Ashamin into thinking that he was running with them? Or was it subconscious want for hurt, memory of how deeply he'd been scarred when he'd stood still and taken Torleik's gouging attack? As if remembering, his hindquarters and the gold scars left from the Bloodskald shivered with fresh aches.
He hadn't moved then, why wouldn't he move now? Ashamin watched with cold eyes as his enemy's lighter ones drew closer. They looked so empty, so void of senses, but the haruspex was not mentally quick enough then to figure out why. That was a realization that would come later. After all, how was he supposed to suspect that a blind stallion would charge at him with such boldness?
The sound of wings fluttering overhead caught the haruspex off-guard and he looked up to see the bird. Lochan cast a dark image in his mind, the shadow of the oncoming attacker, and the confusing shock of both that and the sudden appearance of the bird caused the haruspex to rear and turn, facing partially away from the stranger and exposing the right side of his hindquarters. When the injury came, sliding through the flesh of his croup like an unclean knife, Ashamin didn't cry out.
This was the sort of pain that he deserved. As the skin tore and the blood burst, sending out with it harmless sparks that hovered around the new wound and tried to heal, it was his two companions that shivered and shook.
Was he channeling his pain through the bond, using them as shields? Maybe, but who knew if that was even possible. Maybe Lochan and Rakt felt the pain on a deeper level because Ashamin refused to. Could it be possible that the Clovenheart could disassociate from hurt so intensely that his body was blocked off from it, frozen in a state of shock? True, his hind quaked and his back legs threatened to buckle even as his forelegs landed and he tried to pull himself away from the dagger in his flesh--to twist his body further to the right and put himself parallel to the enemy, facing the opposite direction--but did he really feel it?
Did he really know what it was to be innocently hurt, or was every injury tainted by the memory of one that had come before it? This was bad, but couldn't he compare it to almost dying in the secret grove in the wake of his battle with Torleik, or the claw of the Bear God hooked just beside his jugular? There were times that the Clovenheart had almost seen the light of his life fade, but this wasn't even a flicker.
A dripping, ghoulish splatter of red to be sure, but in the end it was only a blip.
His teeth smashed down, narrowly missing his silent tongue, and when he turned to look at the upstart that had wounded him his eyes were wicked. The fang on his necklace glowed for a moment before expanding, and the mask that he summoned covered his features like a hideous scar. He sent out his magic like an arrow from a bow, devastatingly aimed and with vicious intent, and hoped to speed the boy's heart til it burst.
Sweat and blood covered his hide, anger painted his features. What a fool that had run blindly into this fight.
""
AP: 1/3, 0/1
WC: 800/800
Note: Apologies for my lateness! Finals and moving hit me hard. I'll be much quicker from here on out.
Teaching notes
So there isn't quite so much battle wise to talk about because this is the very first one, but here goes!
+ Companion Relationship: Not only did I get a sense of them individually, but I got one of them together. They had good back and forth and good physical interaction as well. Talking about the sensation of Edison's claws is smart, because a blind horse isn't going to be seeing his companion and he'll be using other senses.
+ Poesy: Your writing was beautiful! Seriously, downright poetic. I love the image of the glass paneling and some of the descriptions that you have.
- Clarity: On the above note, make sure the grammar in your sentences is as clear as possible at all times. There were a couple sentences where another word or comma might have helped to clarify what you meant, and you had the room.
+ Environment: You did a good job of not only describing the environment, but in ways that makes sense for a blind horse (by scent in particular, with the salty air.)
- Attack Positioning: This is a perfectly fine attack, but just be sure that wording is as clear as possible. The real problem is position. I have no clue where Roux is in relation to Ashamin so it's hard for me to figure out where I should take the attack, since I can't make it up without forcing Roux into a position you might not want him/have meant for him to be in. I just know that Roux is headed for one of my three but it could really be any of them, and from any direction. Roux located them through Edison so he should be able to know where he is relatively, and that's something you should communicate.
Suggestions for next time:
See Ashamin's profile for more information about Lochan, Rakt, and his various items.
All magic and force allowed, barring death and permanent injury.
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