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06-01-2016, 01:48 PM
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Isopia Does your imagination try to make you what you wanted to be? Because I'm sorry I do what I did, but it came naturally Suddenly the circles of frost stopped, though it took Isopia a moment to realize that they had. She plunged headlong into the open air and only then, as she felt the lack of chilly moisture on her face, did she realize that Hubris had been distracted by something. The demigoddess pulled up abruptly, feeling a flash of embarrassment heat her cheeks, and turned her golden gaze to the skies to locate her bronzey counterpart. Hubris hung in the air, wings beating and blue eyes focused across the field. He hadn't noticed Sjal and her companion when they were crouched and in waiting, but he noticed them now as they danced across the field. Look. Play. He sang into Isopia's mind, directing her attention towards the approaching duo. Inexperienced Sjal might have been, she didn't look it to Isopia. Galloping across a field straight towards someone she didn't know, surely was an indicator of confidence, was it not? The idea of approaching someone like that horrified Isopia, whose introverted and academically condescending outlook on life only further enabled her stand-offish nature. So to see the unicorn - not much older than Isopia was by the look of it - galloping towards her offering only a casual Shall we? by way of introduction or prelude to the inevitable spar, suggested to the girl that assuming her opponent was familiar with battle would likely be advantageous. Sjal's circling (and non-intentional show of confidence) did the trick she had intended: Isopia's gaze was firmly fixed on the moving unicorn rather than what circled above her. The demigoddess's large shoulders stayed relatively still as her hindquarters moved in a circle which aimed to be parallel, though obviously much smaller, to the one Sjal was making. As the unicorn lunged, Isopia followed the advice of her body's instincts and tried to shuffle her pivoting body away from the length of Sjal's horn. Despite Isopia's (surprising) agility, the unicorn was far too fast. The tip of Sjal's horn scrapped jaggedly against Isopia's ribs, catching and bouncing on the cage of bones that gave her barrel shape. A bright red line followed in the wake of her horn, as if it was more like a fountain pen than the sword it proved to be. Isopia gasped, causing her sides to expand and giving the horn one more opportunity to plunge itself into her - though this time due to the mare's continued movement the point found the curve of her shoulder. Sjal's horn pierced the taunt muscle of Isopia's shoulder before the big mare could finally pivot herself fully away. As this was occurring, Hubris had been focused on the descent of the bird-cat that Isopia's mind had previously called a griffon. The dragon deduced what the griffon aimed to do based on the angle of its body and its outstretched claws. The bronze swooped low, a blast of icy plume leaving his open jaws, aimed below the griffon. He hoped that the shock of flying through the icy air would jar it enough to divert its course. Though whether it was because of him, or because of Isopia's flailing that saved the big mare from the griffon, the dragon didn't know. But suddenly she was screaming. Isopia, normally so focused on shepherding her instincts and the natural responses of her body, let forth a scream unlike anything she ever had before. It was of course partially due to the immense pain screeching down her left side, but also partially because of surprise. Isopia had never been stabbed by any sort of blade before, but nor had she expected to be. She had assumed Sjal was a practiced warrior yes, but she had also assumed this spar would be more like the one she'd just had with Seanan. More play and less pin-cushion. Through a fog of pain and uncharacteristic anger (though not terribly so, for it was true that Isopia hated being wrong), the demigoddess lashed out with the only part of her body not currently consumed by pain: her mind. It was difficult to grasp her magic with the overwhelming tidal wave of pain erupting from her side, but she fought through it. Water and earth appeared in the air, combining together to form a thick sludge of mud. From his vantage point Hubris breathed a stream of frost onto the amalgamation, freezing it nearly solid. This frozen mud ball was then thrown towards Sjal. Isopia was aiming for the girl's right shoulder and neck, but the pain made her aim wobble slightly. More mud appeared in the air before Isopia, but this she directed towards the bloody line on her barrel and the puncture on her shoulder. The mud mixed with fur and blood in an attempt to prevent any more blood from spilling down her body. WC: 799 Attack: 1/3 TEACHING NOTES So good! I got a really good feel for Sjal's motivation in your opening few paragraphs. Sometimes these can read as being contrived and put there purely to get points, but yours seemed really natural and flowed. Grammatically everything looked just fine to me - some of your sentences did get a little long though (- Breeze good, -- the griffin mentioned with low, feral growl riddled with anticipation; the princess quickly caught on, noting that although she could smell the scent of the stranger, it was less likely that her own smell would alert the mare to her presence. ) which made me go back and re-read it. That isn't a criticism, just a note, since 'readability' is one of the things that you'll be marked on. UGH THIS SENTENCE: With a toss of her head and a snort, the princess brandished her horn, attempting a wide circle around the bigger mare, hoping to consume her attention and distract her from the tiny figure circling far above, invisible in the sun's bright rays. SO GOOD. I like how you already mentioned that Isopia was bigger than Sjal. That much is obvious, but you already seem to be aware of their stat differences. For what it's worth, they're actually fairly evenly matched. Isopia is stronger and Sjal is faster, but their agility and endurance are the same. This might seem weird given that Iso is larger than Sjal, and so you might consider having her be like "WTF. HOW CAN SOMETHING THAT BIG TURN SO FAST." The two things I'd suggest considering for future posts/spars are 1. You didn't mention Hubris! He's flying around breathing frost, and given that your griffin is attacking from above, I would have thought he'd be on the look out for the dragon. Or that maybe Sjal herself would be like "Mental note, avoid the frosty-lizard" or something. 2. Your attack was very vague. I think you probably did that just because she was running across the field, and Iso could have done any number of things in the meantime which would have changed where she was attacking. That being said, the way to handle it is just by saying something like, "So long as Isopia didn't move too much, Sjal's horn would aim for her _____. If she did move, all bets were off and the unicorn would just try and hit whatever was in reach" or something like that. As it stands, saying, "mare's center of mass." just makes me confused. I assume you mean like ... the center of her side? It's hard to manage vagueness, not PPing, and somehow being specific enough. Last tiny note. I'm way stricter on PP than anyone else here. So take this with a grain of salt. This line, ...intending to sink her outstretched talons into the mare's back felt a little too declarative to me. Saying "attempting to sink her..." would have been better. 'Intending' just seems stronger than necessary. But again, I'm stricter about wording than everyone else. |
