His face clouds my eyes, and desperately I shut my eyes, only to find it worse there. "GET OUT OF MY HEAD" I shriek. My thin body is covered in thick lather of sweat, and my breathing is heavy and irregular. My eyes show whites and are opened wide, giving me a wild look. Insane. I was going insane.
Some days where okay, but why couldn't I just get past it? It hurt, and I saw his face. His perfect face, and I couldn't handle it. I saw him in Kvasir, I saw him in myself. I saw him in Rhoa. He was us, he was Kvasir. So perfect, so beautiful. So lifeless. I couldn't handle the pain and shame that his memory brought to me. Guilt, so much guilt. Unable to parent. Unable to carry both my children. I was a failure to my child, because I wasn't there for him. He knew I was absent. I was a failure to my parents, because they could be strong, and I couldn't. I was a failure to Rhoa. I couldn't even face him. Because I had tried to give our child away. The awful part? I still would. I would still give him up, because I am not fit enough to be his mother. I am mentally destroyed.
Broken glass. I had been beautiful once, and now I was reminiscent of that beauty. You could see the intricate designs in the shards, but once I was back together I would never be so beautiful ever again. I would never have that. I would always be cracked, I would always be wistfully referred to as "She used to be so beautiful."
I was mentally broken as well. Some times I could be me. Others, like today I was a shrieking banshee, sobbing for it to all go away, for it to stop. To finally let it end. The pain, the babbling, the sobbing. The weakness.
But it never does. And I can't end it myself, and so I am left babbling to myself instead.
"talk talk talk talk "
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