Although she was fairly certain that she had lived here in the Edge longer than Mauja - unaware as she was of his deeper history with this place that stretched further back than the four years she had lived here - she didn't say anything about it. It was entirely likely that he considered the time that he had spent here (the time Alysanne was aware that he had spent here) too long - some did. Archibald had barely been in the Edge for any time at all before waging war on the Falls.

Alysanne had not realized Mauja was spacing out - how could she? She assumed because she had been speaking, he had been listening - typically, in her experience, that was the natural order of conversations. So when he startled away from her touch, she immediately believed it was out of repulsion. Whether it was her touch or just the touch of anyone, it appeared to be unwanted enough to cause a violent reaction. There was a small moment of hurt (rejection, in whatever capacity, never rested well with the black and white mare who loved everyone) but it was quickly overridden by concern and guilt.

She hated that she had forced him to react in such a manner, that she had done anything to make him feel uncomfortable in any way. “I’m sorry!” Aly quickly apologized, making a mental note not to invade his personal space again and even shifting away from him just slightly so it wouldn’t happen accidentally.

Guilt continued to riddle away at her even as the conversation moved on.

His questions about her quest were fair and she didn’t mind answering them truthfully. There was just one problem and she met his gaze as she responded. “I don’t really have an answer for you because I don’t know.” There was a faint wariness in her expression now, half-expecting Mauja to just run from her at her next misstep and trying to guess at what might set him off so she could avoid it. Only she was just getting to know him, all her information was summed up in this one interaction and a few scattered pieces from before.

This had seemed such a simple excursion when it began - find Mauja and make sure his burns were healed, make sure he was okay. And now they were debating the logistics of her quest, which felt incredibly personal but when had she ever shied away from sharing a part of her soul with whoever asked?

Her voice was slow and careful as she tried to riddle out her thoughts to explain the why of her quest when she had not yet figured that out herself. “Taking the pain away or just healing outright… neither of those ideas came to me when I went to the Moon Goddess. I was so sure that the best way to supplement the magic I have as a moon doctor was to transfer the pain.” She was far from being sure now. She had even tried to go back to the Veins, to admit defeat, but the Goddess would not hear it and gave her a second chance. To go back now in failure was… unthinkable. Alysanne had to try, however hard she found the tasks. “If pain is a necessary part of life, who am I to just whisk it away into oblivion? Should it not still exist somewhere? Even if it’s in me. I can carry that burden for anyone that needs me to.”

But of course she couldn’t. Alysanne was both stronger and closer to completely fracturing than she realized.

“There isn’t anything in it for me, I think that’s why I like the idea.” She was not self-aware enough to realize she was infatuated with the idea of being a martyr or that she needed to be needed.

Her sad, summer-green gaze did not shift from him once as she spoke, wanting to see if she could see his reaction to her attempts at an explanation. Would it make any sense to him?