Almost as though thoughts of her had summoned her, Sikeax appeared.  She was damp and mussed, her eyes betraying the depth of a sadness that rivaled Sohalia's.  The Transcended knew that their new Sultana had taken Gaucho's death particularly badly, for not only had she the guilt of failing to save him, but she also had the suspicion of the rest of the herd to deal with.  Whispers plagued them, whispers that would no doubt be voiced whenever the herd met as one again, whispers that suggested that Sikeax had purposely killed Gaucho.  Sohalia didn't believe a word of it.  She could see in the former healer's eyes how haunted she was by the whole ordeal.

She wondered how long Sikeax had known that Gaucho was dying.

She wondered if she should have known.

A part of her ached to be angry, like many of the others in their herd.  She longed for the ease of placing blame upon someone else, for a simple scapegoat to bear her sorrow and pain.  It was easier than facing her own demons, but at what cost?  She would not destroy someone else simply to replace the aching hole in her chest with a momentary vengeance.  Especially when it was not deserved.  Especially when her anger was directed only at herself.

She had failed him, much more so than Sikeax ever had.

The dove stretched her neck in silence, offering her muzzle in consolation.  Her bi-colored eyes brimmed with unshed tears, but there was no blame there, no hatred.  Still, despite her best efforts, the Sultana's question brought a sigh to her lips.  "I am..."  But what was she?  Physically, nothing ailed her.  She was as strong as ever, particularly after having been working with metal as Cera's teacher-turned-apprentice.  Mentally, though, she was shattered.  But if she said that, it would only make Sikeax feel worse. "... as well as can be expected."

She paused, her gaze far away as memories assaulted her.  Her parents had died when she was young, and now she couldn't remember their faces.  But she remembered everything about Gaucho.  She remembered the way he watched over the herd, the way he played with their children, the way he touched her just so - she remembered it all, and she could not stop it from replaying over and over in her mind.  But with the images and emotions that combined to torment and soothe her in equal measure came hollowness.  He was gone, and her memories were all she had left.

What if she forgot him, too?

"I need a job, Sikeax.  I need to keep busy."  If I don't, I'll break.

"talk talk talk"

@Sikeax - gentle bump :3

Brighter than the northern lights
Want to live to feel the daylight