Welp, the hotline was goin’ off. And I guess this time me ‘n Cheek had to answer it.

A herd meeting. Wow man. So many years had passed since the last one I attended as a member of the establishment. It was weird to think about it, especially after seeing Mesec and his fucking kids man holy shit he has lil’ fuckin tots runnin’ around--

But uh, anyway. The last time I had attended a meeting, I had been their size, sidled up next to Mesec just like they did. Sleepin’ on his knees because Ma was doing important big-lady Chief shit. It was so weird to think about that--to watch time move like that, and see it do its work.

So...yeah. Me ‘n Cheek heeded the call, which was blown out by a lady we both remembered vividly. It’s hard to forget the face of the person whose garden you’d been shittin’ in. I guess I missed the memo that she was queen of this place though, which made both of us nervous because, even though we knew her face, we couldn't remember her name to save our asses man. And that’s rude (I guess).

Was I ready to stand in the group? Hell no, so we stood a ways away, close to a tree line so we could break for it easily when the meeting came to an end. It...it was still a claustrophobic feeling, being among so many people at once. But luckily for me, the meeting didn’t turn out to be that long anyway. There were only a few items to go over. A few missing items.

I am troubled to inform you that our Emissary, Mauja, has been missing since the herd meeting.

Chico was pulling on my mane and I wasn’t feeling it, probably because I had unknowingly stopped breathing for a second or two. I didn’t know why either, why this...this chill crept over me when she said that. Why would I get worried like that, so immediately? Why should I? It’s not like it was bizarre for someone to wander off from the herd for days at a time--hell, I did that. It didn’t strike home for a few moments that his absence was mentioned--which made it notable, which made it unusual, which meant that something could’ve happened to make it unusual. Which meant trouble. Which meant--

(I'm falling apart, he told me once, with words that broke like ice--)

Ros, Chico was biting at me now, trying to get my attention, because my body was freezing and something was steeling over in my face and I still wasn’t hearing him. Because I was thinking about Lee, about Mauja and everything I knew about him. That he was sad (duh) and that he always had been but now it was worse, now there were all kinds of new things to break him down and I remember my last time looking at him, how skinny he was and drawn and diminished even if he could still stand there proud and sparkly and handsome--and I remember asking myself, once, as he lay at the body of his daughter, if I had ever had the heart to remind him he still lived in this awful, heart-crushing world--

(oh shit oh shit I was the one who reminded him he had a heart--)

And what kind of nerve did I have to get scared like this, at the thought that he could’ve finally taken the plunge from the plank to hurry home? Who was I to reach for him, to pull him back from it, to assure myself that he actually hadn’t...hadn’t done the thing that I was scared silly he had done? (That I couldn’t blame him for doing--) Why should it matter to me like that--why should my bones go cold and my body go numb and my face go buzzing with--with I don’t know what because I can’t look myself in the face when I want to?

Ros. Chico still couldn’t reach me.

Tembovu had a son and he was missing too and my body throbbed with another dollop of hurt but my brain didn’t care (oops oh shit there it is) because there was a rising panic that I wasn’t doing a good job of holding onto.

Ros!

I glanced to my side, glanced behind me, my mind racing blindly and the next step I should take, where to go, where to go where to go where to go and Chico was beating his wings on my back and tugging my mane and my head was booming with ROS and before I knew it I had bolted out from underneath Chico, leaving him bewildered and flapping clumsily to the ground while I sped off into the trees, my legs pumping wildly, almost in time with the thoughts in my head.


"talk"