In the silence while she waited for Mauja to respond or leave, Alysanne remained where she was her gaze focused on the snow - counting the snowflakes as she tried her best not to stare at or will her would-be-friend to stay or go. He would make up his own mind eventually and it wasn’t as though she didn’t have the time to wait - the day was still very young.

Then, for the third time that day, Mauja surprised her.

Her periphery caught his movement but it wasn’t away - it was towards her. And not just a few steps, but right up to her - to the point where it’d be rude of her to ignore him. She watched him cautiously but curiously too as he approached, standing her ground and trying not to look too surprised at these actions. She was hopeful for a flicker of a moment when the quiet ‘yes’ exited his mouth, but it was chased not after his own problems - but questions about her.

While his ears pricked forwards, hers flicked backwards as she caught his words - as if angling them away would somehow make it impossible to hear his soft voice. Something that was almost a scowl (but softer) crossed her eyes at the same time, because while she had intended the conversation to be about him or non-existent, he wasn’t giving her that option. And she couldn’t believe that he really did want to talk about her - certain that it wouldn’t be a particularly interesting conversation.

But her mind couldn’t find a way to escape answering that wasn’t just turning and walking away so she was only left with the one option.

So her ears flicked forward again, the scowl disappeared, and she relaxed in Mauja’s presence. “I… I don’t even know if it makes any sense.” She lapsed into silence for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain what had been going on in her mind for the past, what, two years? There were a lot of things to sort out and it did not help that she stubbornly clung to injustices of the past, keeping those cuts open and bleeding so that they still aggravated her today. Well, selectively keeping some of those wounds open - she had held a grudge for a while against the one who stood with her now, after all, and now she only wished to be his friend. It was hard to hate someone after you had seen what their skin looked like when most of it had been burned away.

Alysanne didn’t understand exactly why she was entertaining the notion of explaining to Mauja what was wrong - likely, it was a combination of things. She wasn’t about to shy away from him and scorn the first act of friendship he had displayed toward her, it was too delicate of a gift. She also considered that it might be beneficial for him to focus on something else other than his own pain for a time and while she didn’t relish the idea of digging into her own, the chance that it might help him was enough.

As he had pointed out when they had spoke on the cliffs, she did wish to suffer on behalf of others, right? If she suffered for them, it might fix her - it might put her little problems into a light that showed her they were insignificant. She might return to the mare she used to be. Might, might, might. But it was a chance she wanted to take.

Then the words started tumbling out in a quiet voice, because he was close by and because the snowy morning seemed to demand whispers from her.

“Do you ever miss who you used to be?” Alysanne didn’t, of course, know anything about who Mauja was before the day he showed up and became ‘Queen’ in the Edge, but she meant it generally and almost rhetorically (though she couldn’t deny that she was curious about him). “I feel like I’m not much as slipping away from who I was, but being swept away in a maelstrom that is sucking me into somewhere, someone I did not intend to be. It started with anger, an emotion still relatively knew to me, and while I still haven’t figured out how to vent the anger so it does not choke me, I’ve at least been talked out of guilt for feeling it in the first place.” She frowned slightly, still trying to work out her thoughts, her gaze steady and soft on him.

“And now… I just never thought I’d be the sort of herd mate that would cause fights upon ascending to the throne.” Nyx had apologized, it was true, and she actually found that she adored the silver mare when she was not shouting against her but it had still happened. “I never thought I’d be the cause of a challenge between two herd lands, potentially affecting an alliance that’s been peaceful for years, or that members of this herd would show disgust and hatred because I don’t believe violence should be the way we solve problems.” Her tail flicked angrily behind her and she shuffled her wings as she let the memories of those days come at her again. Alune and Tilney’s words and actions still bothered her greatly, and she did not know what she could do about it. They were both friendly with Tembovu, she wondered if he would even believe her if she tried to raise questions about them. He was in the vicinity when they had shared angry words with Iona and Raeden, true, but he had been a little preoccupied with the Czarina he was battling with.

Another soft sigh and she willed herself to think about anything else so that she wouldn’t stomp and make herself look foolish with anger. “When I arrived in Helovia, I thought I’d be a healer, grow old and fat surrounded with children sired by the friends I made, a family, and be happy until the day I died.” That was all she had ever wanted - to live in peace. “Now I’m lucky if I see Naerys every few seasons, or her brother every few years. I have no healing powers, just my knowledge of herbs, which isn't really helpful at all when there's magic that can do the job faster. I’m just a Queen in a herd that vastly prefers their King…” Her voice cut off there, abruptly, and her green eyes darted away from his face. Anything that might have followed that line of thought could not have been charitable towards Tembovu and she was aware that the two stallions were friends (even after everything), and more aware that the Elephant King had been willing to accept a challenge on her behalf. It was a poor repayment for her to speak ill of him. Better to wait another week or so before she did that.

So she shook her head, dismissing those thoughts and that subject, and shrugged slightly with her wings as she brought her green eyes back to Mauja. “That probably doesn’t even sound like much it’s just… I don’t know. I miss what I used to be and have been wondering if there's anyway to go back, or if she's lost.”

And then finally she lapsed into silence, wondering if he might regret asking her that simple ‘what’s wrong’ and being greeted with a lot of nonsense.

If you could only understand—through my heart and through my veins

I gave it all,

I'll give again.