Toulouse gains 1 VP and Raeden's rank. Raeden earns 1 EXP.

RAEDEN
Realism [+1]
You do a good job mentioning breed/stats and surrounding throughout the fight, but it’s extremely minimal that you ever utilize them. In fact in one scenario you state being shorter can be advantageous, while trying to kick Toulouse’s head, which to me seems like a case when being shorter is less helpful since it’d be harder to reach a taller horse’s head!

You fail to react to Toulouse’s attempted bites in post 2. Your companion’s magic to make you vanish was clever, but a better explanation would have helped as I wasn’t sure what magic was being used (I assumed rank magic as she’s a sneak so I was surprised when I looked it up and she had lie detect instead of chameleon, which proceeded to cause me to have to look up a few records). You mention you don’t trip in the mud but don’t say how!

“Blood rimmed her maw like a bright red lipstick…” He did not say he was bleeding. Mild powerplay.

In your third post you received a damage roll of 5 so your injury to your right shoulder and your subsequent explanation of the damage doesn’t seem nearly enough.

“Her powerful rear legs dragged her pale body backward to look the snake man in the eyes.” Would be attempting to look him in the eyes. Mild powerplay.

I liked the way you took the critical hit and Toulouse's attack in your fourth post, which was also clever use of scenery to have a tree stop her from going over the edge. I also liked you mentioning your companion echoing her pain. I’m surprised by her canter-attack so quickly after fracturing her rib, maybe more explanation of pain would have made it more realistic.

In your closing defense you evaded his attack nicely, but fail to mention any other injuries, most notably her fractured rib which I imagine would have flared up with her evasion. You then walked away from the fight which resulted in a significant penalty.

Overall you have a good eye for attacks and defenses, but need to incorporate your injuries sustained throughout the fight better and detail the damage more thoroughly. You do well mentioning breed/stats and surroundings but need to actually use them more (i.e. she was able to evade him because as she jumped the mud slid under hoof and carried her further away).


Emotion [+1]
Your emotion improved as the fight went on, especially when she heard her son on the sidelines, but I still rarely felt a connection with what she was feeling and what she was going through. I was frequently told she was mad or annoyed or upset, but I never really got a depth to her feelings or the true relationship between her and Toulouse and their ranks and this fight - nothing aside from surface level insults and anger at being challenged anyway. What was motivating her to fight so hard? Is she fighting for honor, pride, the herd?


Prose [+1.5]
You posts seemed to improve as the fight went on, but sometimes they didn’t flow very well or have captivating imagery. Sprinkle in more detail to really set the scene and grip the reader!


Readability [+0.5]
I was extremely confused by your mention of her son and later a bay pegasus flying to save her. Only through further reading into Toulouse’s posts and connecting the dots with the challenge watching thread did I determine that you were reacting to events happening in the watching thread. That’s fine to do, but you must clearly explain yourself. You were responding as if Gawen and Thranduil had posted to the challenge thread themselves and that was not the case!

Many instances of sentence structure issues and some tense changes as well as typos. Please re-read before posting to find errors and read aloud to catch choppy sentences that may need grammar assistance.

P1:
...jumped with eager to start... (eagerness)
Her tongue is laced… (tense change)
...with toxic venom filled words. (toxic, venom-filled words)
...day with a patrol, it was typical … (patrol; it was)
...there is the... (tense change)
... move deeper into Edge. (the Edge)
... "did'nt do." (didn’t)

P2:
...dirty slush that, they battled on. (don’t need that comma)
.. nothing about Stealths and the inner workings of them. (stealths should be lowercase)
...white teeth scrapped against… (scraped)
Tin never let his magic rest. He still cloaked their bodies from the pale eyes of their opponent. With the thought of his skull still being close to her haunches, the mare attempted to lash out both rear legs. (because you were just referring to Tin, going on to say “him” makes it seem you’re referring to Tin. Use definitive language.)

P3:
...blurted how "You cheated "... (lowercase you)
For a moment she glanced away watching the birds fly off wishing, they would carry him away with them. (incorrect comma placement)
Raeden was Frozen in time. (frozen should be lowercase)
...a snakes fangs towards… (snake’s)
Raeden out a deep guttural… (missing a word)
...he shuttered with the feeling…. (shuddered)
...making the mare a tad agiler. (more agile)

P4:
“..not worry about Gawen.He will be safe.” (need a space after Gawen.)
“...ribs shuttered with each breath…” (shuddered)


Finally tally: 45.5+(4*2)= 53.5 HP - 10 HP for leaving the fight! = 43.5 HP


TOULOUSE
Realism [-4]
Your realism greatly suffered due to powerplay and lack of detail or explanation. I think you have a good sense for correct fighting, but you don’t explain or word things properly so they come across incorrectly or lacking, particularly when it comes to you explaining injuries. In most cases you say you are attacked, but don’t go on to explain the damage, nor seem to have your body affected by it (aside from the occasional blood), which makes it seem like you didn’t sustain proper damage and gets you greatly marked down.

In your first post you don’t explain why her horn only grazes his side instead of completely puncturing his stomach. Was he moving away at the same time? Then in your second post you take her double barrel kick to your face, your face, and not only do you not really explain that it hurts, you don’t seem to have any injuries because you go straight on talking and attempting to bite her. Taking a kick to the face would have very likely broken his jaw, and it certainly would have made him very head shy and unlikely to use mouth related attacks.
On the topic of your mouth, although you have your fang mutation, be aware that you still have the jaw strength (and shape and teeth location) of a horse, so be cautious that you don’t pretend he’s a wolf now able to rip flesh from bone!

“These were the last words he spoke before he stepped forwards, meeting the woman face to face.” Be cautious with your wording. Raeden has already written past this point so you cannot assume they were standing face to face. Mild powerplay.

“...upon his horns’ meeting with her body came the next attempt at a conjoined attack.” This wording makes it seems like his horns do meet her body, which you cannot decide. Powerplay.

“Slipping his off side front hoof under the near side of Raeden, he aimed to trip her completely.” You word this in a way that makes his leg sliding beneath her’s a definite thing, which you cannot decide. Powerplay.

“There!
Not a few paces away the mud looked like it was being disturbed, slushed and splashed about.” Raeden ended her post directly after her double barrel and specified she was on dry ground, so you cannot say he found her splashing in the mud. Powerplay.

“The serpent sprung his hooves into the mares side in an attempt to pin her downwards…” Your wording makes it seem as if his legs hit her side regardless, and only her being pinned or not is the part where she can choose. Powerplay.

You mention some breed differences a couple times and incorporate a little bit of the scenery, which is good but do it more! In your third post you do this best, but in that same post you have very poor timing. Raeden saw her son then was bit by you, but you write as biting her then pausing as she looks at her son.

Overall be mindful that you always word things as attempting or trying to do action upon another character, and provide more detail to explain what you’re doing, especially in terms of sustained injury.


Emotion [+1]
Your emotion started off well but then seemed to taper off as the fight went on. I rarely felt a connection with what he was feeling and what he was going through. I was frequently told what he felt, but I never really got a depth to his feelings or the true relationship between him and Raeden and their ranks and this fight - nothing aside from surface level insults anyway. What was motivating him to fight so hard?

“ “If you’re behind me with your horn aimed up my anus, please know I will deeply enjoy it!” the brute grumbled, hoping to trigger some sort of response be it disgust or laughter. “
Loled at that line!


Prose [+1.5]
You started off with some really great style and prose. Your writing flowed and you had great imagery. Yet as the fight continued you got so caught up in the action and responding to attacks that things fell very flat and simple and I was often left wanting more detail and more setting.


Readability [+1.5]
You table is hard to read, I always had to highlight the font to see it. You have a lot of grammar issues in each post, please proof read beforehand as many of these could have been avoided.

P1:
The music of the ocean, the crashing waves below and their placid threats only caused… (doesn’t read correctly, missing a comma or some form of break)
...the geldings smile… (gelding’s)
... the serpents velvet… (serpent’s)
Toulouse clenches his eyes … (tense change)
...clean teeth cut against the horrible sound of her voice… (what does this mean?)
...infiltrated the Dragons Throat… (Dragon’s)
...before he stepped forwards… (forward)
...won't do you a single favor” (favor.”)
Slipping his off side front hoof under the near side of Raeden, he aimed to trip her completely. (this was confusing to understand their positions in relation to each other)

P2:
He could not attack what was not there!? (is not a question, no question mark)

P3:
“Was she build to endure…” (built)
“...gilded one slinked through…” (slunk)
“..noting his opponents footfalls.” (opponent’s)
“Pale orbs switching from the feathered…” (tense change)
“...advantage of such a distraction though it was…” (needs a comma)
“The vibrant language that strange from Raeden's mouth…” (strangled? came?)
“give me your best shot” (lacking punctuation)

P4:
“...the cliffs edge…” (cliff’s)
“...the brute gritted his teeth…” (grit)
“...current specter’s daggering hooves…” (dagger?)
“...the mares side in…” (mare’s)


Finally tally: 45+(0*2)= 45 HP