TOULOUSE
Realism [+0.5]
I really enjoyed your utilization of the scenery and camouflage armor in the beginning, and you started off with a very strong and steady attack which was easy to follow and well described. In your second post I love that you took damage from your surroundings (the tree), however as you rolled no damage for that round it did ultimately cause you to be minorly marked down. I was also confused by how you explained that you ducked beneath Sacre’s electric foxes, and I would have liked more expansion on the explanation for how Toulouse dodged Sacre’s attack. I did like your breed/balancing reference in this post. Your second post did include some minor powerplay as well.

“...as his hooves took him directly beside his opponent that the…” (PP - you cannot say you were directly beside Sacre given that he had been pushed into the tree by you and wrote as getting up and going away. I agree you two may still be close, but a better phrasing would be “it likely they were still close to each other…” use less definitive language when describing other characters.)
“...Upon reaching their opponent…” (PP - you were chasing after Sacre to make an attack, so you cannot say if you did or did not reach him, you can only attempt to position yourself close enough to attack, and explain why that’d be realistic, such as you having pursued him.)

In your third post I was looking for more explanation for how Sacre’s horn cut Toulouse given that Toulouse was wearing his armor - just simply saying the horn reached between an area where the armor came together would be enough. Overall you took too much damage for a roll of 2 given that you were hit by Sacre’s ram attack and cut by his horn, which would have been suitable if not for the detailed way you explained the cut which made it sound like a significant gash. Detail is good but be aware how your wording can alter things! In this post your timing was very off; Sacre attacked with his horn and right after rose to his feet to ram you, but you wrote as being hit by the horn and then Toulouse wandered off into the woods, long enough that you described he came into a completely new clearing and lost sight of Sacre, only for Sacre to reappear and strike him. This added too much time between a very consecutive attack string. Your attack was excellent. Some powerplay in this post as well.

“As the stallion of sanguine splashes and rosy blades darted past,” (PP - Sacre never said he was darting past, all he said was he was ramming at you, which you took, and then you in turn reared up to strike him.)

Your closing defense had good damage and injury, though I did want more expansion on the description for how Toulouse evaded most of Sacre’s horn assault. Overall you do well with realistic attacks and defenses, just watch your timing and wording a bit more.


Emotion [+0.5]
For the most part I didn’t feel a strong connection with Toulouse during the fight. Why was he so driven to battle? Why was he so ruthless in a friendly spar with a herd member (trying to crush an opponent’s hock is very brutal)? I was also curious to know more about him and his snake’s relationship (the snake seemed mostly forgotten in the last posts).


Prose [+3.5]
You have beautiful writing with a lot of great imagery and flow. There were a few times when you had phrases that were very similar and close together, so be sure to incorporate some variety!


Readability [+2.5]
For the most part easy to read and understand, just some minor grammar issues with each post.

P1:
“...strung to it’s lash…” (its)
“...his heels keeling for sport.” (keeling doesn’t seem to fit here)
“But alas.” (fragment)

P2:
“The rip and slash that came from the bystanding tree trunk as well as the lance upon his own skull caused Toulouse to murmur a faint grunt,...” (this confused me - is Toulouse’s horn injuring his own head?)
“...Sacre’s part though still…” (part, though)
“...only a few moment’s…” (moments)
“...for Sacres oncoming…” (Sacre’s)
“...he stood still as the night and glaring down at the Moon Doctor.” (glared)
“...strike. “you have…” (You)

P3:
“...his comrades vicious…” (comrade’s)
“...the doctors skull…” (doctor’s)


Finally tally: 60+(7*2)= 74 HP


SACRE
Realism [+2]
You start off with a realistic way of taking damage, but the way you described the injuries meant it was not sufficient for a damage roll of 5. You only sustained a bruised back and a cut flank, neither of which hinder you the rest of the post (nor most of the fight), but for a damage roll of 5 you should either be taking many more instances of injury, or more severe injuries. I thought your electric magic to help spot Toulouse with the surroundings was really smart!

Your second post fit the damage better, but I needed more explanation for the realism of the damage you sustained to be plausible. For instance, snake venom doesn’t normally work very fast, so expanding on the fact the snake is magical and your pulse is up would have helped. Also it’s not entirely clear why Toulouse’s stomp on your hock only bruised instead of shattered it - you said you lifted it up, but why does that affect the damage? I did like however that when you got up to pursue Toulouse that your hock injury meant your gait was off.

I really liked your use of surroundings in your third post where you tripped over some of the hidden roots and sustained injury from them! Your attacks were good but I needed more explanation about how you went from bucking at Toulouse’s chest to using your horns on his rump; the way you wrote it was very back to back with no mention of Sacre running around towards his rump. Overall though you have a great inclusion of surroundings, though could reference your breed and stat differences more. Work on expanding your description and explanation of things to provide more realism, but otherwise good attacks and defenses.


Emotion [+1.5]
I felt a good connection with Sacre during the fight, especially early on, as you really explained his reluctance to battle, but also why he was fighting and how other horses helped shape him. I was hoping for more of a connection with his companions - I know they were sitting out the fight, but there would still have been emotions and thoughts passing through their bond.

“Perhaps it was that Sacre thought, by opening himself up to the joy that could be found in battle and blood, he would also open up another part of himself that he didn’t want to know.”


Prose [+2.5]
You have some lovely writing with clear imagery and flow. There were times when I was hoping for more detail or greater vocabulary to help set the scene.


Readability [+2.5]
Overall easy to read and understand, just some minor grammar issues in each post.

P1:
“...older unicorns’ words…” (unicorn’s)
“...misty Worlds Edge.” (World’s)
“...the healers’ eyes…” (healer’s)
“...his armoured body nearly impossible for him to decipher in the dark woodland until he was almost on top of him.” (too many hims, hard to track who is doing what, use names!)
“... the Specters’ horn…” (Specter’s)
“The adrenaline filled seconds ticked…” (adrenaline-filled)
“...him and Sacres’ brilliant…” (Sacre’s)
“Casting a nervous glance towards where he had last seen Toulouse, ramming Sacre into a tree, still he winced as he moved…” (reads oddly with the way you reference yourself)
“...the fox-boy grasped for a new magic that had, up until now, lived untouched within him. Yet, Sacre summoned three electrical foxes…” (Why did that sentence start with Yet?)
“...slice of Toulouses’ right thigh.” (Toulouse’s)

P2:
“...His opponents chiding…” (opponent’s)
“...understatement. Which …” (understatement, which)
“Which was further proven by the now approaching Spectre, his calculated steps pounding ever closer as Sacre’s mind scrambled for any shred of an idea that wasn’t simply running away, his feet slipping in the mud dents he had just created earlier until Toulouse was upon him with the snap of a snake bite.” (tense change and seems like these should be two sentences, not a comma)
“...of his viscous opponent.” (vicious)
“...stellar collection, and he grimaced…” (should have split the sentence here, run-on)

P3:
“Only guilt and regret.” (fragment)


Finally tally: 43+(8.5*2)= 60 HP