the Rift


[JUDGED] Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues [Erebos vs. Weaver]

Erebos Posts: 474
Aurora Basin General atk: 7.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.1hh :: Four HP: 75.5 | Buff: DANCE
Orsino :: Plain Kitsune :: Dark Illusions & Enyo :: Common Griffon :: Draining Clutch Heather
#3
EREBOS
Perhaps he placed too much on trust and convictions. Perhaps he wanted too many things all at once, and asking, yearning, pleading for confidence, reliance, and assurance in his capabilities, that he could protect them, guide them, teach them, restore them, was overwhelming. Perhaps it was just the way some things were – the Basin forever harbored the chilling harpooners, more eager to fight amongst themselves than an enemy. History repeated itself through its cold, glacial generations.
 
But he aspired for them to be different, an alteration from the past, a chiming echo in chronicles of failed conquests. They could be more than a collection of assembled warriors. They could be more than wicked, conniving souls. They could be the protection, the brutality, the swords in a legion of might and power, dominance over each and every land, an empire to be feared again.
 
You’re still wounded too easily, was Orsino’s response through the gloom and haze, a sharpened glare sent to the boy, blunt poignancy. How was the kitsune supposed to harden a youth who’d already seen so much, who’d already met death, who’d already faltered and stumbled and crumbled his way into the ground?
 
Because I care? the prince offered, staring into the mist, watching as Weaver approached. He’d been born from a nonchalant King and a loving scholar, and maybe all the compassion his sire rarely showed was now embedded in Erebos’ heart, overwhelming when the rest of the world never bothered. The fox didn’t say anything else.
 
The skirmish loomed, silent, intoxicating. Even in the cascading rain, he sensed Weaver’s inquiry, her questions, her deliberations, and all he did in return was watch, wait, and grin. He’d forbear the world for them, and they didn’t know, wouldn’t be able to see until his soul was splintered and shattered on the rocks: ready for the pain, the anguish, and the torment.
 
Erebos would’ve enjoyed conversing with her, he mused as his muscles kindled, as his brain schemed, as his body became fervent for the impending skirmish. He would’ve liked to have gestured to her wings and spoke of his admiration for them, asked her about flying and what it was like to see the world.
 
But the rain fell into his eyes, and Orsino was muttering something about idiots, and as he tried to shake the droplets from his sight she approached alongside his left, all force and tenacity. He attempted an abrupt shift to the right, aiming to be quicker, faster, and lighter, pressing the agility his mother had granted him into the muck and mire, but it wasn’t enough.
 
Her kick landed directly on his left haunch, searing and scorching for a brief moment, as if fire licked and seared across his flesh, a bruising, smarting demolition – and he gritted his teeth, offered no response except for the glint of his raised lips and a snort of irritation, bearing it all so a student could become a master.
 
Swiftly, because his front end hadn’t received a potent punch, he tried to swivel back towards the left, intending to brandish a snag, a snare, a bite of his teeth along her hind (perhaps on her croup or her dock, using height to his advantage). It’d been on pure instinct, a driving force coiled within his mind, from days spent on the unfreezing lake, striking at imaginary monsters and intangible enemies. Orsino uttered naught, staring out into the misty, foggy void, wondering about the nature of valor.

[1/3. 579 words.
* Erebos tries to get out of Weaver’s way by shifting to the right, but he’s still not fast enough, and gets a nice bruise along his left haunch.
* In retaliation, he swings back to the left, and tries to bite down along Weaver’s hind end, aiming for her croup or dock.]

Image Credit


Teaching Notes:
 
What Went Well:
 
* Opponent Characteristics: I enjoyed this little bit: He is stronger, faster, and more agile than she. There’s little Weaver has at her disposal against him. Only stubborn determination, the ability to take a hit, the fearlessness her resurrection grants her. because it tied in their characteristics neatly, and you can use these later on in your following posts when they start to tire, start to ache, etc.
 
* Surroundings: I thought you touched upon the grounds/weather very nicely here: He would pick today, when the ground is slick and slippery and wont to send her feet stumbling. But his feet are as likely to slip out from beneath him, if not more so. She has the added benefit of wings. Even without wings though, she would be here, eager and ready and wet. It’s a nice way to start the spar, because you can build off of these descriptions and possibilities, use them to your advantage or when Weaver is attacked (she could slip, she could fall, etc.).
 
* Emotions: We get a little touch of Weaver here and there, and I liked the directness and poignancy of your lines, like: It has been so long since she’s fought, and for once, someone was going to teach her. She faced the four horsemen of the apocalypse as a child, but she got by on sheer luck. She wanted more than luck on her side. We get a part of her history, her motivations, and where she’s coming from.
 
Do you fight with honor as well? she wants to ask, but doesn’t, wasting no breath. She gives him a pointed look instead. So many unspoken words between one conniving and one honest warrior. What words could convince him that she trusts him? She would not follow him if she didn’t; would not stand here today with her life in his hands (though she has lives to spare). She does not know how to say it because she did not grow up in a world where trust existed.
 
All she can do is try to prove it.
- I really liked these lines, because it focused heavily on what they’ve said to each other before (ah, bear patrol threads), and it’s interesting that both of them have something to prove – likely something they’ve already granted and given to each other but they’re kinda too numb to actually voice it. ;D
 
It is only a spar, she knows, but she wants to prove her worth. And besides, she's been fighting all her life. It feels like home. - Aw yeah. It feels like home.
 
* Attack: Thank you for including directions! And the whole paragraph was great, because more of her personality came out, the why she’s doing it, how she’s doing it, etc. ( Needs him to be weaker. Needs to give herself some slight advantage. Likely, this is not a fight she can win, but she can damn well make it hard for him.)
 
To Work On:
 
* Proofreading: I caught some pieces here and there, so make sure to take your time, read things out loud, come back to your post after an hour or so, because then your eyes will have had time to adjust, will notice glaring things a little bit quicker, and your ears (when you read out loud), may catch some things your eyes did not.
 
Of course,. - What is this comma/period doing here? XD Pick one!
 
Ribs, shoulder, rump; she doesn’t care what. - When I ran your post through a Word document, it didn’t like your semicolon. XD Perhaps you could try: Ribs, shoulder, rump, she doesn’t care what.
 
You had a couple of fragments here and there, but I didn’t post them in here because I considered a stylistic choice on your part (and I liked ‘em. ;D).
 
 
To Think About:
 
* Will Raven involve himself in the fight? He’s young, but will he resist the pull? XD
 
* Damage Taking: Depending on the dice roll, this portion can be implemented in a variety of ways. She could take his attack, but she could also stumble/trip in the mud, etc. Don’t feel like you have to take a full hit (unless it’s like, a crit hit and pray to the dice gods that doesn’t happen) based on one attack, you can do a number of things. :D

There's a sliding scale of damage taking, from 1 - 6. 1 would be something very minimal, like losing bits of hair from a bite, while a 6 would be detrimental, a giant, gaping laceration, a fracture of a bone, etc. A 3, in the middle, could be a laceration, a bruise that affects movement, and then you can go from there (2 being slightly less than a 3 but more than a 1, etc.). 
 
* Keep using those motivations/surroundings/emotions throughout your posts to support realism! :D

@Weaver


Messages In This Thread
RE: Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues [Erebos vs. Weaver] - by Erebos - 03-12-2017, 09:36 AM

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