the Rift


[JUDGED] Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues [Erebos vs. Weaver]

Erebos Posts: 474
Aurora Basin General atk: 7.5 | def: 11.5 | dam: 6.5
Stallion :: Unicorn :: 16.1hh :: Four HP: 75.5 | Buff: DANCE
Orsino :: Plain Kitsune :: Dark Illusions & Enyo :: Common Griffon :: Draining Clutch Heather
#5
EREBOS
He knew he wasn’t supposed to wonder, wasn’t supposed to drift away from the battle, from the arts of machinations and swordplay, but the youth couldn’t stop his mind from whirling, from pondering, from bypassing the siege. Curiosity was a weighty thing, coiling distinctly over the roughened edges and corners of his membrane, like a web, like a vice, conspiring only to corrupt and condemn the channeling of his muscles, the fire and brimstone of his desires.
 
He wanted to know if she, if all his soldiers, felt him inept, felt him foolish, felt him a poor example of a military commander – if everything he ever did was all for nothing, if she could see how stupid, how ineffectual, how absolutely disastrous he truly was.
 
It distracted him in the midst of showers and droplets, no matter how much Orsino spit, hissed, and howled along their twisted, gnarled, knotted bond, because he wanted to be so much more than what he’d already become. He aspired to greatness, to grandeur, to lofty, brilliant heights, where the Basin would reign and dominate all over again. He wished for them to topple towers, bludgeon enemies, destroy opponents, obliterate, obliterate, and obliterate until the icy columns and glacial chambers were something to be feared once more.
 
Erebos bore the pain, the anguish, the torment just beginning its winding assault, for them. Maybe they did the same. But he feared they’d eventually look upon him in utter disgrace, see his worthless follies, his hopeless ambitions, shake their heads, and leave him for naught on the cold, hard floor. So many had fled, and he’d never asked, never pleaded, never begged for them to stay, but he poured it out of his soul now, as he clambered about in the mud, as he seared and seethed, as he dreamed and grasped. His teeth had barely grazed her, but her assaults affected him far greater, far deeper, than he longed to admit.
 
Her words were just echoes across his ears, and in the thick of his thoughts, he gave her nothing in response. Orsino’s tenacious clutching was finally enough to reignite him (something about fools, and then in sky), so that when he twisted his head to glance along the clouds, he found her above him, using those wings and feathers he’d admired so much to attempt a brutal annihilation of his bones, of his figure, of his valorous efforts.
 
The scion hastened forward, as much as his aching, left haunch dared permit, but in the end, he knew it wouldn’t be enough. The ground was too soft, the world was too slick, and no matter how far he stretched, she’d still have the advantage.
 
He didn’t give in even as her hooves crashed into his hind end, sending him reeling, viciously bruised, barbed, trying to smother a sharp outcry (to no avail, he could hear it drum through his vocal chords, harsh and fast) as he stumbled forward. The General dug into the earth, shifting so he didn’t flounder face first into the dampened terrain, so his eyes couldn’t look into hers, so the shame mottling their surface didn’t reflect back into the rain.
 
The prince only glanced up when he heard her land, gaze hardened now, illustrious and brutal, striving to reach deep down into that stupid, noxious part of his soul, yearning to bring out the warrior from within (not the boy, not the lad, but the General, hardened from his years immorality and recklessness). He reached forward again (but so much slower, his strides lessened by the stroke of assaults, pouring through his mind with throbbing aches), striving for her right side, offering nothing but the glint of his sword, inclining his skull towards her right haunch – hoping, somehow, someway, he wouldn’t always be the jester, the dunce.

[2/3. 635 words.
* Erebos attempts to get out of Weaver’s flight path by running forward, but due to his previous injuries and the ground, he’s far too slow and gets a nasty bruise along his hind for his troubles. He stumbles forward, but rights himself.
* When Weaver lands, Erebos tries to reach her right side and cut along her right haunch with his horn.]

Image Credit


Teaching Notes:
 
What Went Well:
 
* Emotions: I’m still loving getting those little touches of Weaver here and there. She’s a complex gal, and it’s interesting/intriguing to see how she responds to the flow of battle, or her motivations for fighting: She places a lot of stock in her own abilities, but only as they relate to herself. It benefits her to serve the Basin. Deep down she's even starting to like the place, but she wouldn’t stay without a reason behind the staying. and The Basin is a vehicle. One she wants to help. It does not benefit her for the Basin to be weak, for the residents to fight amongst one another. She doesn’t care if it becomes powerful under the rule of another, so long as it becomes powerful. She wants to wield the name of the Basin as a weapon. Wants the name to make others weak in the knees. offer your reader/judges some insight into why she does what she does, and I like it.
 
I even enjoyed this particular passage, which makes me want to kinda kick the both of them in the head (you’re right, we’ll definitely have to thread them outside of danger and stupidity sometime ;D): If only her and Erebos knew that they fight today, in the muck and mire, for the same end. Would it matter then that their reasons and methods differed? Or could they use those differences to help one another? He could soften her, and she could harden him.
 
* Species Advantages: I thought it was clever to use her wings – hey, why not? She’s got them! It was a realistic approach to anyone in battle – you want to use your abilities to help you, so attacking from the sky, where he really can’t reach her, was a fair method and mode to attack. Be sure to continue including advantages/disadvantages throughout the fight too – especially when attacks actually begin to accumulate and both characters might be hindered, slowed, etc.
 
* Attack: Again, smart of you. I thought it was simple and clear enough to understand, which is exactly what we want for both judges and roleplayers. We don’t want people confused or muddled about what we’re trying to do! ;D You were also careful to include attempting and trying as key words, allowing my reply/response to be of my own choosing, and not godmoding/powerplaying.
 
* Damage Taking: Since I rolled the ever lovely 1, you lucked out! ;D His teeth come down on her croup, scraping skin, though the damage feels minimal. A small bruise, at worst. It doesn’t hurt as she keeps running. is a fair response to the minimal damage, and truly shouldn’t hinder her much.
 
 
To Work On:
 
I really didn’t see anything glaring, worrisome/bothersome. I thought it was a well-written post, hit key portions, and displayed Weaver’s intentions. I would advise to continue proofreading/going back over your posts, just to get rid of any potential issues (there were fragments, but again, stylistically, they worked).
 
To Think About:
 
* Damage Taking/Realism: In case Erebos does actually land a significant roll, be sure to include it throughout movements/attacks/defenses, and how it affects them. Erebos has now taken a 3 and a 4, which has slowed him down – you want it to make sense with where her injuries might be located. And hey, maybe you’ll get lucky again and it’ll be nothing to worry about! XD

@Weaver


Messages In This Thread
RE: Their gnashing teeth and criminal tongues [Erebos vs. Weaver] - by Erebos - 04-01-2017, 06:48 PM

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